To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

If everyone had this selfish attitude & only ever did what they wanted to do on Christmas day the world would be a much sadder place. Sometines we do things primarilly to help people in need, especially parents living alone.

Probably more people should be like your friend, and do what makes them happy as a family. I spent many years doing the whole extended family christmases, catering often for 13 people, and the day was just a blur of cooking and entertaining,

Surely your meant to care about people all year round not just one day a year. Surely say seeing a widow mum once a week is more caring and important than inviting her just for the 25th of December and seeing her once a month.

Making sure she has food in and can get her prescriptions and a trip to beach is more important than one meal on the 25th December.

It may be unlikely but it's not impossible. DH and I had/ have extremely difficult mothers. MIL is now deceased, but she would have rather sat on her own than accept an invitation from DH and me. And this year, after over 60 years of putting up with my mother's behaviour, I have gone extremely LC. My sister is cut from the same cloth as our mother.

It’s not selfish to occasionally make a choice that suits you, particularly if the rest of your life is quite stressful. It can be vital to recharge batteries, deal with anxiety, stave off depression etc….. it’s all about juggling the priorities where you can.

OP - is your friend a good and nice person?

are you just friends because you’ve already been friends since primary, or do you like her and think she’s a good and kind person - outside of Christmas week?

if she’s not really someone you’d pick to be your friend if you met her now, then perhaps this bothers you because it is a clear example in your mind of where your values don’t align. it’s ok to distance yourself from someone even if you have known them for most of your life.

But on the other hand, if you do like her, outside of her Christmas approach, you feel your values align, she’s generally a good person etc, then perhaps take on board you don’t know the relationship she had with her mum and sister.

Notice as women and mums we are supposed to be selfless and ever caring.

Till we become old, then everyone else would be selfless and ever caring towards us. Basically as a women shut up and put up to make others happy but if you get to old age/widow it’s your turn to make people miserable so your happy.

So it’s basically a buying your future time like the olden days of expecting that because your parents planned your wedding you will plan your child’s, because your parents controlled this or that still when you where an adult you’ll reap it back with your children owing you.

Only Times change and adults pay for their own weddings and have their own rules for their children and grew backbones.

One thing that’s bothering me, loads of posters are saying “I couldn’t leave my widowed, dying mum on her own” and I agree, except the OPs friend didn’t leave her mum on her own - her mum went to her sisters house.

it’s seen by the OP as “lesser” option as the friend is the only one with dcs. The sister isn’t lesser because she doesn’t have kids. The widowed dying mother may have preferred the quiet grown up Christmas with her childfree dd. Do we know for definite that the friend was invited to join them?

There is definitely this view that once you become a mother, it’s your job to provide everyone else with a lovely experience not to have it yourself.

It’s incomprehensible to me. Utterly incomprehensible. My previous next door neighbour did exactly this and I could never see her the same way again.

We have never hosted anyone or travelled to family on Christmas Day ever since DC1 was born. We ensure we see family the weekend/days before and days after but 24-26th we are pretty much home on our own.

why? Well a strained relationship with my parents who live 5hrs drive away. It’s difficult to go to them especially with Santa gifts etc and they refuse to come to us.

the other side of the family, 2hrs drive away and work shifts and rarely have the 25th off. So we see them when they aren’t working over the festive period. Sometimes this might not be until new year. Until
they retire this will always be the case.

If my family lived close enough to pop
over for a few hours or something I’d probably have a different approach.

To all those judging I would suggest considering that there may be logistical/work/strained relationships to think about.

I think this goes without saying. The thread is relating to Christmas day which is a sad day for many people having lost loved ones,especially if they live alone.They may wish to be left alone but the least family can do is extend an invitation.

I did too along wirh DH. We have loads of happy memories hosting in our house & wouldn't change a thing.

The issue goes both ways thought doesn’t it.

Possibly Ruining Christmas Day for many for one person, how many years do you let it happen? We ruin every other year for our children and my self tbh making them suffer their feral cousins they hate to make the wider family happy.

If Christmas by some people idea is just one day so shut up and put up to make others happy why can it not go the other way and they should shut up and put up
because it’s just one day out of the whole year.

You always see it, why don’t you just do your little Christmas after invite them make them happy… why? Why can the other person not have their Christmas Day after? Why is it always one side giving to the other seen as the right thing to do. Why if Christmas Day isn’t important enough to be selfish is it important enough to be selfless.

It’s either an important day and cannot be done any other day or it’s not and anyone can have a big roast any other day. Tomato tomatoe

The family member wasn't alone, OP has already said that.

Who is talking about pepple who could potentially ruin a family Christnas day? My posts give an example of caring elderly parents who may live alone. If they are not at least invited I could never justify that.

We absolutely bent over backwards to include late MIL in our plans, especially when we knew she didn't have long to go, and I am so glad she was able to spend her last Christmas with us.

Your friend appears to be lacking in empathy to an epic degree.

Because maybe they are the type of person who wants to hog the tv all
day and be waited on hand and foot such as another thread, the expectations of how they should be treated. Again a family member who expects everyone to bend to their way of Christmas not getting involved in games or anything putting a downer on the whole day.

People who brighten the day tend not to be lacking in invites. Those who put a downer or ruin the day tend to be the ones left alone.

also you don’t answer why if the 25th is so important why can it not be important enough to the people not invited to have whatever reason they have to not invite but do it on the 26/27/28th. Why does the invite have to be the 25th. Either it’s important or not and that means important for everyone.

OP I'm not convinced this isn't made up.

You're always on all the threads about in laws and people keeping children away from grandparents and people having their own Christmas. It's all a bit convenient.

If this is real - you cannot control other people's behaviour. If you think your friend is so awful then tell her an end the friendship.

If you feel so strongly about it, you could arrange a charity Christmas Dinner for people by themselves on the day. Give up your time, money, energy and Christmas Day itself so that others are happier.

She did! The sister has spent each year with the mother according to the OP.

I think it largely depends on what you mean by ‘Christmas’. Like, is she spending just Christmas Day with her immediate family but seeing other people around that, or excluding everyone for days around Christmas Day?

We’ve always spent Christmas Day just us and the kids, but we visit and spend time with our parents on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day or the days close.
My mother always had a houseful to cook for and I resent the time I lost with her on Christmas Day as a child - I don’t want my kids to feel that. And I certainly won’t expect to spend Christmas Day hosted by them when they’re older.

But what if the family isn't toxic?

I prefer Christmas with just the immediate family because it’s cosy and chilled. If we have a guest the whole dynamic changes, we have to be on top social form all day and wear real clothes.

But if she won't know and isn't capable of coming then again, different situation and you are clearly close so not the same

She came for the six years after we lost Dad, she’s never had an Xmas on her own, not even this year. They both came before that, unless we were doing something. We love each other deeply, but respect each other’s needs as well, hence nothing is seen as “duty”. My OH has been seriously ill as well this year, so he’s as deserving of some “just us” time. There’s no stress, it is how it is.

We have Christmas alone and love it.

i always feel like my only child has to ‘perform’ for the grandparents - she is the sole focus of the questions and if they were here all day she would literally never get a minute,

I don’t want that for her - I don’t want that to be her memories of Christmas and I do not want it to be mine. We have a lovely day just our small family, no pressure, no putting her needs second because of a moaning in law or bratty cousin.

If it’s selfish, so be it. I think expecting to be hosted just because you are family is selfish.

To those that say but what if she does the same with you when she’s an adult. Thats absolutely fine, I’ll see her the rest of the year and spent it quietly with her dad/go on holiday etc. I’ll take pride and pleasure that I’ve taught her to prioritise her happiness and not pander to me out of a sense of duty!