To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

Good for her.
I hope she has a lovely Christmas

I can't imagine leaving my mother, or any other family member alone on Christmas Day. Surely Christmas is a time for thinking about others, for generosity of spirit and for family?

And that's where I draw the line.

No, I wouldn't have vile family members over, people who ruin the day and never would expect others to. Hence why I have never had my alcoholic, drug addict, violent, abusive brother over again. Even though he's alone.

But in this example the OP says her friend and the family are close so that's why the friends behaviour seems a bit cruel to me.

It is.
Christmas based on deliberately excluding family for no good reason goes against the whole concept of the celebration.

Who mentioned Instagram? That’s a weird projection all of your own.
also Christmas is not just a Christian festival, it also coincides with Yule and is secular for many people now.
I also don’t see how it’s mainly about being kind? Christian christmas is about worshipping the birth of Jesus and showing gratitude to god.

The spirit of christmas definitely isn't people pleasing or judging.

You'll just have to ask. There is no way to guess. Could be anxiety and she can't cope with it so shuts off. Or she could be selfish.

I hate hosting (I'm crap at it) and tbh that's the same for most my family. (It's the Christmas dinner turkey cooking pressure) so for past few years we booked to have Christmas dinner at a restaurant or hotel. Then I made quiches and nibbles beforehand for the evening and everyone brought a dish.
It's the norm in our family that no matter whose house we are at we all join in on the clear up. (Except the kids, that would be carnage)

I always presumed that in close families you know eachothers strengths and weaknesses so support each other.

Until you ask you won't know what the dynamic is, if she's a good friend and you are to her be honest and communicate.

It's not having kids imo..if anything having kids made me want to do more childish christmas family stuff and flood the grandparents with naff Christmas tat 😂 If anything the grandparents want a break from me...😂

I am eternally single and have never had a boyfriend let alone one at Christmas.

All my sisters are married with kids and they all make it clear that I am very very welcome for any or all of their Christmas, New Year and Easter celebrations wherever I want, whenever I want.

Your friend sounds mean spirited and I would judge her too.

No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors though. I’m sure people would think I’m close to my family as I do a lot for them, but I would never invite some of them
for Christmas or want them to invite me.

Lol! I’d also offer up a Group F: people who have a quiet Xmas and hate it because no one invites them.

What this thread tells us is that it’s v difficult to please everyone. Either everyone has to compromise, someone does or no one does.

No one should feel they have to do anything they really don’t want to do out of duty or tradition, especially if it involves tons of hard work and stress, A bad Xmas get-together can be worse and more damaging than no get-together. The heady mix of exhaustion, stress, being with people who irritate you, lack of daylight, giddy/screaming kids and alcohol can cause people to say and do things that can’t be undone.

What irritates the shit out of me is it’s nearly always women having these debates, agonising over what to do for the best and exhausting themselves trying to keep everyone happy while (a lot of the time) people, including their own DP sometimes, have no idea how they really feel.

Nope.

And you don't feel sad for four ill old people who didn't get to spend Christmas with their children and grandchildren? What is wrong with you?

@C152

What you're talking about is duty. If she were a dutiful daughter/sibling, she would invite others because it's her duty to do so, not because she wants to. So she should never, ever put her needs or wants first.

No one said she should never, ever put her needs first. Just maybe not be heartless to family members who are dying or otherwise alone at Christmas.

What is shocking is not that she did what she wanted, but that what she wanted was to exclude her terminally ill mother and leave her sister alone. Wanting that is utterly heartless.

I agree. That response is really shocking.

I'm judging you for posting all that deeply personal information that make your friend identifiable.

She is vile, what goes around will definitely come back around.

Identifiable? Oh yeah? Who is she, then?

I don't think I could leave someone on their own at christmas (unless they wanted to be of course).

However, I do also understand why your friend prefers it this way. So so often, hosting falls to the woman. My mother has done it for years and years - this year, she is going away for christmas. And i really do not blame her tbh. The woman never sat down, always the last one to eat etc.

There may be a reason you are not privvy to that means having that day with her nuclear family is important to her.

You have also mentioned she suffers from anxiety. I do too and it is really not to be taken lightly when someone genuinely has it and it impacts all aspects of their lives.

You live different lives and are different people, you are also getting your information second and third hand, really you have no true idea of the ins and outs.

I would try not to judge - unless your friend is particularly unkind (in which case why is this person your friend anyway) than I would accept that there is likely a host of reasons why she does christmas like this.

It's called love, and caring, and kindness at Christmas.

I hope you get left alone and see how you like it.

Identifiable, when it comes to sharing sensitive information, doesn't mean that anyone can identify who she is. Identifiable means that enough sensitive information has been shared so it becomes possible to identify a person when it would be very inappropriate to do so.

I was just about the say the same thing. Why should she be obliged to spend xmas with people she doesn't want to?
we don't know what type of person your friend's mother was. All you've said is that she had cancer.

my mum is an absolute misery and none of her offspring spend xmas with her. Just because someone is sick doesn't mean you have to spend xmas with them. When someone dies alone but has a big family, ask yourself why.

And to you x 🎅

Nothing is 'wrong with me' - why do you think not agreeing with you means someone has something wrong with them? If you really feel such distaste at your friend then distance yourself from her. She doesn't owe a judgey gossip anything. Have you also considered how draining it might have been for a terminally ill person to spend the whole day with children, even ones they're related to? Maybe the ill person didn't want the child to see how frail they were. Maybe a quiet christmas was a better option. Maybe it's nothing to do with you.