To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

Nope, not a touchy subject whatsoever, I just don't think it's up to us to judge OPs friend.

I don't understand what you don't understand, sorry. I love Christmas we go all out, but it's just the two of us. We have family nearby but we don't invite them round, or go see them. For us it's about shutting the curtains, switching off phones and just spending a couple of weeks doing what we want. Eating, drinking, walking the dog sleeping late going to bed early, or staying up all night. People try to do too much in my opinion.

I guess it depends doesn't it? I would have any of my family who were alone, however I had my sister here one year after her divorce and TBH she's really hard work. She came over again last Friday night and again really hard work. It just never feels like we can relax and just laugh when she's around. Even my kids have picked up on it, my 17yr old loves her aunty but also thinks one night is enough. 😫

I'm thrilled she will be away with her boyfriend this Christmas although waiting for the text messages telling me why it was a better Christmas than other Christmas she has had before.

Personally I’m in group D along with many others I know - sometimes host, sometimes go to others who are hosting, take it in turns.
Even when you’re hosting then everyone mucks in and it’s not just the woman of the host household who takes on the burden of all the planning and executing of the hosting.

Whichever category you’re in, I wouldn’t frown on anyone else’s choice except I do believe it’s selfish to leave a family member alone or someone terminally ill who would love one last Christmas with their grandchildren (assuming there’s no back story such as narcissism or abuse).

I also feel that for people modelling the small nuclear family Christmas Day to their children, the chickens may come home to roost and they will find themselves not invited to their children’s Christmases in future.

I'm only unpleasant when someone else starts. If posters call someone "vile," then they have no right to expect anything but the same back.

I'm thankful my children would never even consider leaving me alone on Christmas day. I still have DH & we've always either hosted or been invited to a member of family.

I am group D too.

Sometimes I host so my family members aren't alone, sometimes it's just DH and the kids.

But it's never been just me doing it alone. DH cooks, I sort drinks and entertainment. We all muck in as that's half the fun!

I don't do it at all any more.
I've thrown away all guilt and martyrdom, with the help of therapy.

Having your nephew over though was a nice thing to do.
But for many, it's about grinding themselves into the ground and not enjoying Christmas themselves at all.

I'm so sorry. That's just awful. Your sister leaves you on your own for Christmas when you get on very well and you love the children, and you live nearby so could just go for a couple of hours?

The selfishness of some people knows no bounds, does it.

💐💐💐

Yes I do. I try not to think of it, try to think of other nice things/memories when putting up the Christmas tree and so on, but will likely have a little cry at some point. Nothing beats the love of a decent partner and loving/being loved by kids. (It was the only relationship in my life that I wanted to go the distance. The reasons we split are heart wrenching and not because we didn't love each other.)

I don't see how your friend's christmas arrangements have much to do with you. I'd put this in the bracket of 'not my business' and move on. Unless this is a symptom of other behaviour that impacts your friendship, in which case, you are not obliged to be friends with someone who doesn't share your values.

Erm, actually, it was more about the terminally ill part, but, um, OK!

I get the feeling I've hit a nerve with you. I take it you're having a nuclear Christmas and leaving at least one relative alone?

I'm so sorry. Do you ever get to see the kids? (obviously don't answer if it's too painful).

Yes, it is understanable to just want to have Christmas with your partner and children. Just as it's understandable to want to have Christmas alone, travelling, partying or with a giant family and friends celebration. Everyone should be able to celebrate in the manner of their choosing.

What you're talking about is duty. If she were a dutiful daughter/sibling, she would invite others because it's her duty to do so, not because she wants to. So she should never, ever put her needs or wants first. Presumably your friend saw her parents and sees her sister at some point around Christmas, so what is the need to spend a specific day with them? Plenty of people see inlaws on Christmas eve, have Christmas at home with their kids and go to the other set of inlaws on Boxing Day. Also, you don't really know the nature of their relationships. Your families may have been close for years, but that doesn't mean you know the intricacies of their relationships.

I am grateful to an older ex-in law who highlighted that, once married, the couple has created their own new family and they should start their own traditions (and she was specifically talking about celebrating Christmas), not feel beholden to continue doing what the previous generation set out as the norm.

Yes, I don't understand this at all. No 'hosting' would be required for you to just pop over to give the kids some presents. It would cost her nothing.

It was the nice thing to do, but was also the right thing to do.

If your family members are people who bring benefits to your life, who you love, who mean something to you, then never should they be left alone of xmas (unless that's what they want. Sometimes my mum wants to do it on her own) even if it means changing your plans because that is what family does. We put ourselves out for each other. It's not about being a woman, it's about being decent.

" Plenty of people see inlaws on Christmas eve, have Christmas at home with their kids and go to the other set of inlaws on Boxing Day."

But not usually if one family member is alone on Christmas Day and doesn't want to be.

😱

Omg, that is so breathtakingly selfish! The sister is alone, and just down the road, and gets on well with her sister, and loves the children, yet isn't even invited for a couple of hours on Christmas Day? And you say "You're an adult, sort your own Christmas out"? That is just shocking, absolutely shocking.

Be careful, because karma doesn't mess about.

🤣 You get married then suddenly your parents & siblings are no longer regarded as members of family. As far as leaving a parent alone on Christmas thats ok as the 'new tradition' means they shoudn't need to be considered. Absolute nonsense.

Nope, no nerve touched.
I just find your attitude sad.

She should have at least had her dying mother.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel

people who bring benefits to your life, who you love, who mean something to you, then never should they be left alone of xmas

I kind of agree with this to a certain extent, but a lot of people feel they have to martyr themselves at Christmas for people who they don't love, and who don't bring benefits to their life, just because they are faaaaammmmmlyyyy!

I find it strange and disturbing how much you disapprove of this thread, which is using AIBU for its intended purpose. Why do you care so much about someone you've never met and never will, and whose actions any reasonable person would say appear very selfish? You must have a VERY guilty conscience. 🫣

@NoisyDenimShaker unfortunately op many people, some on this thread, do not understand the spirit of Christmas.

They think Christmas is something you buy in a shop.
They don’t want to risk any imperfections so it’s easier not to add any variables eg gp’s.

I’m not religious but Christmas is about a baby being born to save the world.
A baby who relied on the kindness of strangers to be sheltered and fed.

Worth thinking on.