To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

No sorry.
I believe you do it due to guilt and conditioned martyrdom (as all women)

I find Christmas such a dichotomy (I think I'm using that word correctly!).

On one hand it's a time of year that most people, left to their own devices and work commitments notwithstanding, would look forward to. Even if you're not religious, it's a few extra days off work, twinkly lights, nice food, presents. It could be as low key or as extra as you want to make it. Or you could choose to ignore it completely and eat chips in your pyjamas, or go rock climbing. Do whatever you enjoy.

But on the other hand, it is also a time where we are expected to put other people's enjoyment before our own, even where they are people who perhaps wouldn't or haven't done the same for us, or who we don't particularly like, let alone love. People who expect to be hosted, but aren't enjoyable company or gracious guests, and would never ever think to offer to be the host for a change. We are expected to not have the Christmas we want, so other people can have the one they want.

And some of us refuse to do that, and are seen as selfish. If it makes me selfish, then so be it, I really couldn't care less. I'm proud of the fact I can put boundaries down and stick to them. I know I'm a nice kind person who is good to the people I love, and even to strangers on occasion, I don't need to martyr myself to prove it.

On the OP specifically, who knows why OPs friend is doing what she's doing. Maybe she's horrible, maybe she's selfish, or maybe she's protecting her peace or her mental health. Maybe she's a really lovely kind woman who has just had enough of other people's shit and expectations. It's really noone's business. I judge my friends on how they are with me, not how they are with other people.

OP, why don't you just ask her? And if the answer is selfish/I just didn't want to, tell her you find it very hard to hear that and need a bit of space as those values don't match yours?

How well do you know said friend? Because even the closest friends have problems with family that won’t be aired to everyone, I suspect this is the issue with not inviting family.

Also I’m afraid to break it to you Santa is not real. Women are Christmas!

Does she work? Maybe she just wants a bit of a break?

Great post. Thanks

But that's kind of sad to not have the day you want too or maybe that your DH and children want aswell?

Great. You do you. We don't all see things the same.
Happy Yule.

It's her xmas and she can spent it how she wants. If other people find it selfish that's not her problem. Not everyone wants to have big family gatherings and not everyone wants to spent a day with other family members. I chose years ago to stop going to big family gatherings at xmas and new year and wont be starting now.

Indeed.
Happy Christmas when it comes. 🎄

Selfish!

@NoisyDenimShaker I get you’re lashing out after being called vile but you’re doing exactly the same thing by calling anyone who doesn’t agree with you ‘poisonous troll dolls’ etc. I don’t agree with you and the way you’ve done things on here but I am not a nasty vile person. I just have a different take on this than you but neither of us is wrong to have these views. And nor is your friend for choosing to do the things she does. If you have been friends with this person for as many years as you say she must have some really good qualities about her and she probably thinks the same way about you. Is this something you would end a friendship over? I would judge her on how she is with these people every other day of the year. If they are kind, caring and loving towards them then yes YABU to judge them on how they are on one day of the year.

"Stop it." 🤣🤣🤣

That's it exactly!

Women are Christmas!

And we need to stop it. I've managed to stop myself but it's been difficult and included therapy and using illnesses as excuses...

Again, I'm not a troll for not indulging you. You're labelling anyone who disagrees with you a troll or making silly comments like the one about not being able to read. That says lots about you.

@Nolegusta "Doing what works for her" with insufficient regard for the feelings of her dying mother is exactly what many people on this thread perceive to be selfish. This is clearly a very touchy subject for you, but you're not going to alter the majority view that this is selfish behaviour by being indignant and calling people judgey. Maybe what would work better for you in this instance is to accept that "doing what works" for you has manifest pros (you get to do what you want) and cons (people will think you're selfish) and get on with your day.

Well yes, and the fact that the friend's DM and sis are quite happy whinging to the OP about how the friend won't toe the line and host them, and do what they want for Christmas! Basically op thinks the friend should host an extra at least 5 for Christmas? Can imagine quite a cost! And would there be the room, or would it be as described oft on here where there would have to be two sittings- all presumably cooked, served and cleared by op, or would it be the ops dc, dh and her doing a balancing act sitting on the sofa/floor/kitchen eating their Christmas dinner?

If friend wants Christmas with just husband and kids fair play to her. There could be loads of reasons why she is insistent on this regardless of relatives being alone,terminal etc. Couldn’t this be anyone’s last Christmas, therefore do what feels right for you.

Assuming she is not religious Christmas could be anytime, does she just want the traditional Christmas Eve and day to be just husband and children? Would she not spend time with family at another time over the festive period-which by all accounts can be dragged out as long as one wants?!

Personally, I would be thinking of years down the line…how I would feel if my grown up children excluded me for the traditional Christmas Eve and day and I was alone. I think I’d be in the mindset of this is fine as long as there was another time within the festive period that I could celebrate with my children,partner,grandkids etc.

No reply to the actual question then?

Why didn’t the sister spend Christmas with her mother?

Group D is surely (following Compash's logic) the ones who have a quiet Christmas and hate it.

I cannot understand the lack of empathy towards people who will be alone at Christmas. (Unless there is some backstory.)

As a single, and very regrettably childless adult, I am so grateful to my siblings for including me and not compounding my sadness at not having my own family by treating me as an outcast who deserves to be alone at Christmas. (Also, whilst I haven't hosted yet, this is due to siblings not wanting to travel far with kids! Easier to transport one person than a family.)

I'm also grateful to my friend who not only invited me for Christmas, but also made me a stocking to unwrap with the rest of her family, when I would otherwise be alone after working the morning shift on Christmas day.

The couple of years I spent Christmas with a partner, would-be stepchildren and would-be inlaws, I co-hosted with DP, and just felt so happy having (or rather being apparently on the way towards having) a family, all the effort was worth it.

Obliged to cater for them, no? To see them, well, maybe. Christmas could be at another house, at a restaurant or everyone contributing a dish?

Or meet after lunch for mince pies?

"The couple of years I spent Christmas with a partner, would-be stepchildren and would-be inlaws, I co-hosted with DP, and just felt so happy having (or rather being apparently on the way towards having) a family, all the effort was worth it."

May I ask how you feel about this now? Do you miss those Christmases, the nearly step-kids?

Dying mother...who we only have the Ops word was lovely.

My dad appears as the world's best dad to outsiders. But I promise you the same people who would call him great. Loving, amazing, friendly, supportive etc would be horrified if they knew half the abuse I suffered as a child, teen and an adult at his hands.

No one knows the reasons the ops friend has chosen he path she has. I doubt given terminal cancer, that it was an easy choice but I guarantee that there is a huge story behind this.

Op is presenting only info that makes her friend look bad and then abusing anyone who points that out.

Ip is not a nice person. If her OP wasn't enough to show that then her subsequent ones have been.

Maybe you do it because you want to be a martyr.

I do it because I care about my family and would rather have them here even though its not my ideal, than have them alone.

You think I should have left my 16yo nephew home alone after his parents died?

Selfish In what way?

Putting herself first?

Yeah, it is a strange and quite new phenomenon for women isn't it?