To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

She does though

Yes, OP is revealing more and more who the real problem is.

Through gossip.

It’s not unreasonable for her to want to spend Christmas just with her husband and children. Personally, I wouldn’t exclude a family member who would be alone otherwise and especially not if they were ill or dying! However, it depends on her usual relationships with those family members I guess

For goodness sake, tell her yourself. Then the drama can be over.

I really doubt OP wants the drana to be over. 🫣

As I’ve said many times, although these occasions sound slightly heartless, it’s one day in a year.

And the alternative is my life, with 25 years of a guest every year for Christmas, when we’d really like it to be just us.

I think this is the crux of it. Depends what long-standing friendship means to you.

My oldest and closest mates, have done lots of things that I wouldn’t do. They have v different opinions about dealing with big life events: bringing up kids, relationships and their breakdowns, elderly parents, bereavement.

But they’re my mates. I love them. We have a laugh together. They’ve always been good solid mates to me over the years, even when they may have thought I was making mistakes or even being an a-hole. They’ve listened and understood rather than judged. And I with them. That’s what good mates do. They’re there for you, no matter what.

IMHO, what seems to be muddying the waters to you is that she’s a family friend, and you’re hearing things via your parents and her family. I think you need to decide if she’s a family friend, who you see now and again but isn’t a good mate. Or YOUR friend, who you want a close relationship with, come what may.

For what it’s worth I agree with you OP. I think it’s quite cruel to leave someone alone at Christmas

Wonder how she’ll feel if one day her kids decide to do Christmas with the nuclear family only and she’s left alone

Yes, that much seems clear.

I think that is very chilling 😂

It's smacks of bullying that OP and certain other posters on this thread think everyone should conform to their view point.

The point of AIBU is to ask a question. Obviously the Op has to justify their position otherwise there's no discussion?

The bullying is people coming on (multiple times) merely to be unpleasant to the Op. Looking at you @Nolegusta .

Maybe everyone in her family is abusive and awful. Maybe. But more likely: she's a selfish cow. No one seems bothered about anyone else anymore, they're all out for themselves. No one seems willing to put themselves out even a tiny bit.

It is very individual to each family.

I'm relaxed about spending Christmas with or without my DC’s and DP’s.
Just how it is.

My DP’s chose to spend their Christmas’ abroad. Their choice. No recriminations from me, no expectations now on them or me even though they are very elderly.

I have the same relaxed view about Christmas and want to make reasoned choices.
My DC’s have grown up the same.

There seem to be three groups of people:

A: the ones who host a big Christmas and love it

B: the ones who host a big Christmas and hate it

C: the ones who have a quiet Christmas and love it

Some of Group A seem intent on dragging or nagging the people in Group C into Group B - because you're never going to get them into Group A...

🤷‍♀️

I think Christmas is about being inclusive, and would hate to think of anyone on their own. Its not being a martyr to care about others. I am not suggesting that every minute of the whole time has to be about other people. But to exclude dying parents from Christmas is cruel, if the only reason is 'what I want'. It is selfish.

Personally it wouldn’t be my choice and I couldn’t leave someone sat alone but I’d never judge without knowing the background. Definitely not worth falling out over.

Christmas has always been hyped up ,More so than ever now .Expectations of jolly families ,with Nan and Grandad,various aunties and so on.Reality is tons of work for Mums . Feeling exhausted .If your friend wants a cosy Christmas surely thats up to her? We would have just us Christmas morning, then Mum for Dinner/sleepover and PIL for Boxing day.My MIL always said everyone feels exhausted in January with the run up .

She's my friend, not him??? And she makes decisions. She won't have her or his family in the house at Christmas, full stop.

She is entitled to do as she wants and feels for herself and her family.

However, I do think that she has never considered being charitable to other people - sometimes life is about giving to others even though you may not feel that you want to. Giving happiness to other people is priceless and can be the one thing that makes life worth living with for them and it is the small things that can really count at times like this. They don't have a monetary value they are just a gift of love and time because we none of know what is around the corner.

We’ll have to agree to disagree x

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Don't forget Group D-the ones who don't host but expect to be invited to someone else's Christmas every year. I'm happy to be in Group E-the ones who don't do Christmas, partly because my ability to tolerate Group D has run out.

This!

I’m all for doing your own thing, but if i’ve had a good relationship with my parent who is terminally ill, I’m going to be making sure they have the most comfortable Christmas with me and my family. Same if any of my family or friends are alone, I’m giving them the option of spending it with my family.

When your friend’s kids are grown up and don’t want to spend Christmas with them, then they’ll maybe they’ll understand what they did to their parents.

Nobody has been anymore unpleasant to OP than she is being to her so called friend.
OP is calling anyone who disgrees with her a troll.
OP is trying to justify judging her friend, based, at least in part, on gossip.
You can look right at me as much as you like, I'm sure you've tried to use that tactic to shut folk down before.