To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

Someone who is trying to justify their own unkindness, if we go by this thread.

Is she not judgemental too then? Just you?

these threads always become a shit show quickly because people who are doing exactly the same go mental. similar to the ones about children using iPads in restaurants. It is an interesting subject but you will be drowned out by the shouty defensive brigade.

It's not defensive to clarify that something isn't selfish, when, in fact, it is indeed not selfish.

Did you read and understand that she called me vile first, and for no reason? If she can't take the blowback, she shouldn't start it.

I certainly don’t feel like a martyr - one person extra makes no difference to me and it’s nice to have this person. I judge because I think people prioritise their children’s demands over the importance of their extended family. and that setting a bad precedent both for the child and you say it more widely in society in general when everyone is me me me.

Eh?
It's not up to us to judge or justify judging folk who make their own decisions about their own lives.

"People who are doing exactly the same go mental."

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣💐💐💐💐

Because she has dc and a husband. And she is not doing what you would expect a married mother to do in those circumstances (massive family Xmas with all waifs and strays, completely exhausted and martyred, not denying anyone the magic of small children on Xmas day etc etc). And you resent her for it.

so be her friend or not, no one saying they think she’s a cow on here will change her behaviour.

I think YABU because you don't know anything about your friend's situation or family relationships.

Good for her.
Doing what SHE wants to do and not what YOU think should happen.

You're an adult. Sort out your own Christmas whether on your own or not.

People giving a valid opinion are not 'the poisonous minority' though.

You started it by creating a thread regarding justify judging your friend. 🫣

That sounds awful - Incant imagine leaving my sister alone like that. Or my in laws. Even if it was just to spend a few hours or a lunch … you reap what you sow.
I do wonder if one day she’ll be the one alone

I think it sucks that sister will be alone after hosting her parents for years but it isn’t fair to blame the friend for that, especially if they don’t have a good relationship.

Hosting is hard work. Friend should be able to opt out of it if she wishes. Having people over isn’t the only way to celebrate Christmas.

Exactly.
Unfortunately everyone has different ideas of how they think Christmas should be, and often it seems one person is left with the responsibility for making all these (sometimes opposing) wishes come true. If you have a complicated family you can't win.
Bloody impossible task and, in my experience of what feels like 267 family Christmases balancing obligations, someone is always going to be critical of arrangements/how things turn out.
I'm really uncomfortable with the judgement of others.
Let people do it their way, it may be the only way they can manage, for whatever reason.

OP, I totally get where you're coming from..

I love doing Christmas just DH and my kids. But I've had my sister start coming when her husband left and her kids came along, I've had my nan when my grandad died, I have my mum when she was going to be alone. I had my brother when he split with his wife (although did have to kick him out after he got drunk and physically violent in front of my very young kids so never had him back), I've had my nephews when my aforementioned sister died suddenly (and their dad killed himself a couple of years earlier so were orphaned albeit older teens), and I've had my other sister, her DH and their 4 kids when she visited from France and TOLD me she was coming rather than asking.

This year I have my mum, my recently widowed Dad, and one of my nephews..all because I can't bare the idea they will be alone. Even though I prefer xmas day just DH and the kids, in our PJs I do it because it's the right thing to do.

For jonreason...are you for real.

You are slagging off your friend so yes you are vile. That is absolutely NOT what being a friend is.

HTH

The sister hosted them but let's face it Christmas is about kids......a dying parents last Christmas could have been the whole family together. I seriously hope this bites the selfish bint on the arse and she finds herself staring at her husband over a turkey leg because her DC are off doing Christmas the way she did. Horrible way to behave.

She was hosting them every year, since her sister wouldn't.

I definitely think it’s each to their own at Christmas, I enjoy a busy, chaotic day but there’s no way I could let my sister have Christmas Day by herself. If my mum or MIL was widowed I would probably invite them to spend Christmas Eve with us and wake up on Christmas morning with the kids.

Stop calling people trolls when they're not.

Apparently in OP's view anyone who doesn't agree with her is in the " poisonous minority"

I think that is very chilling.

It explain OP's view of her " friend " to some extent: because she apparently feels that because her "friend" has a different view of celebrating Christmas there is something wrong with her.

It's smacks of bullying that OP and certain other posters on this thread think everyone should conform to their view point.