To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

OP is choosing to judge her so called friend, that's the only clear unkindness that's evident! 🫣

I don't think you can judge other family dynamics. We have a very difficult family member we never see at Christmas.

We're actually never allowed over their doorstep due to their ocd so we have to drive 5 hours to meet up for a coffee.

I wouldn't be surprised if they told others they are "desperate to see us" but actually they're not fussed and don't like seeing us.

The sister will be this year.

Our family was always just the four of us on Christmas Day until one grandparent died, then the remaining one came to us. I couldn't live with myself, knowing they would be alone, but I know all families are different.

This.
I don't have kids and absolutely spend Christmas just with my (three decades older) husband.
Nobody's business, everyone is different and lives in different circumstances.
I don't give two shits who judges me or not.
My life, my choice. Fortunately.

Not to sound like one of your kids, but she called me vile first!

I’m on both sides here. I have a Christmas of [totally self-enforced] family obligations which means I have a very miserable Christmas indeed. I do it because if I wasn’t there the others would have Christmas alone - they are old and can’t travel independently. I collect and drop them all back.

It means I can’t drink and I get a huge list of jobs to do on Christmas Day for everyone such as renewing home insurance or sorting out Sky packages, mending things etc. I hate it. (I see all these people regularly but they see Christmas Day as the perfect opportunity to have me sort out all their life admin in one go). It’s crushingly miserable and I’d much rather spend it with DP.

I don’t though because my conscience doesn’t let me. I don’t necessarily judge people who put themselves first however.

Every Christmas since I was 17 has been like this, with another 15-20 to come, and I’ve wondered if maybe I should be a bit more me-focussed too.

Starting a discussion to justify judging your friend, and to enable your unkindness, is the main issue evident here.
And no, I'm not a troll for disagreeing with you, before you employ that silly tactic again.

Her mum told mine that they really wished they could spend Christmas with their other daughter and their grandchildren just once before they passed away. She said that thank goodness they had the sister to go to, since my friend wants it to be only her nuclear family. This year, the sister will be alone.

Yes, that's it, exactly. I'm starting to feel that our morals no longer align.

I love Christmas being just us and the boys, life is so busy that it is sometimes the only day that we all get to spend just us. We have had Christmas with other people invited, they were more stressful and we found that the boys took themselves upstairs and we spent time with visiting adults. That isn't the Christmas that we want.

However, I am 100% looking forward to Christmas when the boys are all grown up woth their own families, I want to see them build traditions and enjoy their little family unit and am actually looking forward to cosy Christmas with my wife.

So I disagree with your assumption that anyone enjoying a family unit Christmas will be upset at not being centred in their. Children's future Christmas celebrations.

I feel really sad for your friend that you are judging so hard and have come to MN in the hopes more people will justify your judgement. Every post where someone has said they agree with your friend you’ve shot down. Maybe in-laws are rude and judgy. Maybe sis is an arse (mine are) maybe just maybe you don’t know every little thing about your friends life like you think you do because you’ve known her since school. Be a friend and be happy for her that she is going to have the Xmas she wants. If you don’t want to hear it. Tell her you struggle to hear that she doesn’t want to spend time with other family members. Just because it’s not what you would do, does not mean it wrong. Don’t be so judgy. And for goodness sake don’t pull in the MH card because she doesn’t do something that aligns with what YOU THINK is right.
I’ve hosted for the last 20 years. In-laws (who are vile btw) and also varying different family members all along the years.
It takes its toll. I wish so much that I said no. No to inviting everyone right from the get go. You only have so many xmases with little ones. I do it because it eases my guilt, makes my husband happy and I keep Boxing Day for my nuclear family however it’s my choice. Xmas day is always awful for the sole reason I have people in my house that I don’t want there!!
moral of the story. Everyone is different.

@Nolegusta I think OP is astonished at the callous nature so yes, plenty to judge

Well I don't agree with calling people "vile" actually.

But your responses are extremely unpleasant.

And I don't understand how you can call this woman your friend and start a nasty back- biting thread like this about her.

Actually, even if you didn't call her your "friend" the whole premise of the thread is unpleasant.

Awful woman. My other half is a bit like that but I do not bend to this warped attitude. I'd rather break up.

Stop being friends with her then! God this is exhausting. If she’s so mean and selfish don’t be friends with her. Can you even be friends with someone so mean and selfish as surely they have no concept of friendship anyway.

I do feel there’s an element of envy in this and you are dying to see this woman ‘get hers’ and that is why you are sticking around. But for the love of god if this is bothering you so much just spend less time with her or drop her entirely and focus on your own life and your own Christmas.

My sister is like this. I love and her children to bits and we get on very well for the rest of the year but she has this thing about it "just being her little family" for Christmas - even though I live 10 mins away so could drop in and leave again and wouldn't be overwhelming. As I result, I who have no family always spend Christmas alone and don't bother doing anything because what's the point?

Every year with the sister, because she wouldn't have them, and they told my parents how sad they were that they never got to spend Christmas with their GC. And the sister has done her duty, and now will be alone this Christmas. I'm disturbed by it all and questioning how I feel about my friend.

Why should other peoples feelings and circumstances be HER responsibility?

She's doing the right thing. Putting herself and her own small family first.

Good on her. It's about time other women followed suit.

I'm astonished at OPs callous nature.
Her friend is entitled to spend christmas however she likes, ideally as far away from OPs judgemental gaze as is possible.

You encountered a lot of negativity OP which I think is a shame as this could have been an interesting discussion about the prioritisation of the nuclear family over extended family and community, and the impact of that. Unfortunately when the word selfish gets brought into the discussion people who also make the choice branded 'selfish' become defensive and it takes an emotional rather than objective turn. It is indeed difficult to see the justification for excluding a terminally ill parent from their last family christmas for no other rrason than your preference. Most people would not do that, so its a hard point to argue. So instead people are falling back on arguing youre wrong to judge. In essence we're talking about two different approaches me and mine versus wider responsibility, and where people stand on that and why, which i think is an interesting subject.

Envy? Why? Of what? This is someone whose behaviour has become a bit questionable, in my opinion. Not sure what envy has to do with it.

Who starts a thread on MN inviting randoms to judge their friend?

So there's a nice gossip mill going already, and here are you trying to extend it's grip?

This has nothing to do with dysfunctional relationships. I know that these children love their parents – they just prioritise skiing in one case over spending time with them