Xmas eve boxes for children who aren't here on Xmas eve?!

[georgeballooney]

I KNOW this is super early but we are away for 10 days from Monday and then I am working a lot until Christmas so today I have done a lot of my christmas shopping.

This included the contents of my DCs Christmas eve box PJs, hot chocolates, book, toy, sweets that sort of thing. She is 4.

Was putting this all in the box this evening and DH was asking why I haven't done one for DSC who are 15 & 12. I said because they aren't with us Christmas eve this year. He thinks this is unreasonable and I "would still do it if it were DD" whereas I think it's unnecessary if they aren't even going to be there (probably get one at mums).

I did them one last year when they were with us (that was the first year I'd done any at all).

So basically aibu to not do a Christmas eve box for children not even here on Christmas eve? They would be here but only until about 11am on 24th then with mum until boxing day.

And aibu (probably am) to tell him to make his own damn boxes if he wants to.

I don’t get that on top of everything else we are already expected to do for Christmas, there is now an expectation for a Christmas Eve box and the Elves on shelves.

I've never even heard of Xmas eve box. I've filed it mentally alongside elf on the shelf as something I will never do for my kids. (I'm not clear what elf on shelf is anyway)

Vinted is stuffed full of worn once cheap and nasty Christmas themed tat, people need to stop being so indulgent.

I would be check with their other parent to see if they ate doing them and if not, I'd do them

I agree with this. We always hear from people who hated growing up in step families that they were treated like an inconvenience and excluded and felt like their step parents didn’t love them. The whole “his kids his problem” stuff is fine for adults but kids don’t see it that way. They like it if adults are kind to them and show them that they care. It won’t kill you to do a couple of more boxes that they can have either before they go to their mums or when they come back.

Surely they have their own traditions on Christmas Eve with their mum? Also, your DD is so much younger than they are. I don't see the issue with her having something a bit different from them on the years when they're not actually there.

Obviously if it turns out there's a huge back story where their mum doesn't do much with them at Christmas time, doesn't have money for any Christmas treats or whatever then that's different. But it's not as if your DD is going to be opening some sort of huge gift in front of them while they get nothing.

If your DH is really concerned then he should find out from his DC what they're likely to be doing on Christmas Eve with their mum, and make his plans accordingly.

Could you give all the children their new pj's December 1st instead, or whenever you see them after that? Then they get a few weeks wear out of them.

Do you know what day it is and what time?

Idk mine is about to turn 15 and might never be out of the pyjamas and sweets age.

If he wants to do boxes for them he is free to

You are probably right with 2001 then, as I finished school in 2000 and don’t know of anyone who got Christmas Eve boxes. But, again, i grew up in a different region so maybe it has spread from one of the regions. Christmas Eve was about Christingals and carols around here.

Kids get so much now don’t they

Yanbu. I'm doing boxes on December 1st this year instead of Xmas. My sc won't be here so I've only done them for my dc. If dh has a problem with this he can do his own sometime.

Oh god another loser who has a second family and nags the poor woman silly enough to marry him, that SHE needs to do shit for HIS children that he couldn't be arsed to do for ANY of his children.🙄

OP, tell him to get lost.
Think long and hard about having another child with this waster.
They really are ALL the same.

Wanting someone else to do what they wouldn't dream of doing for their children.

Well he isn’t doing a box for anyone is he? So yes i think it’s reasonable that his wife doesn’t just do a box for the biological child and leave the others out.
I bet some of the posters on here wouldn’t like it if their DH/DP left out their kids from a previous relationship.
Also kids don’t see it the way adults do, as in it’s dads responsibility and not step mum’s. They will just see it as being left out.

I would do one for them in this situation no

Could your DH speak to his ExDW?
With a bit of communication he could ask if she is doing Christmas eve boxes and then offer to get pyjamas for them. Or whatever she prefers.

Presumably you will have the DSC next year, so will do them boxes then.

The kids won’t know as they aren’t even there. So is OP not allowed to ever do anything nice for her child just because she wants to? Can she not take her kid to the zoo for example because the step kids aren’t there and can’t possibly “miss out” ie just do something else on their side of the family that they are with that time?

OPs child also has feelings not just the POOOOOR step kids who are always left out allegedly. Ops daughter deserves to do nice things and feel valued by her parents on her own and not feel like all the good stuff is saved for when step kids are there because she herself isn’t worth bothering.

Plus - we’re talking about a plush toy and a hot chocolate sachet. Would a 15 year old really begrudge a 4 year old this when he’s not even in the same house when she gets it?

You need to make more effort when there’s step kids involved and I deeply dislike the “can’t I just take my child away with me and my DH” type attitudes that I see a lot with holidays. Yeah I mean do that but the SDC will pick up on it and they will remember it. MN always talk about how shit blended families are for kids but then they also tell step parents that they should exclude their SDC because it’s not their responsibility. Well of course blended families will then be shit.

I think if you’re doing one for one then do them for all. We do December boxes rather than Christmas Eve boxes so they can use the bits throughout December, would that work? Albeit a bit late for tomorrow!

Also it’s the thought behind it. Even if you don’t get them PJs just get them some sweets and a book and some hot chocolate. They don’t need to take it to their mums, they can have it waiting for when they return. Jesus, it’s such a simple thing but no, too much bother.

It’s difficult for sure to find a balance. I think people either sway towards not bothering at all to include step kids or going the other extreme and bending over backwards to include them in everything which then in turn leaves the new child left out because they never get to do anything special unless the other kids are there. Like they aren’t good enough to just have nice things for themselves and always have their lives paused until the golden step kids are back and activities resume. In the rest of the time anything over and above subsisting on water and bread is deemed to “Leave them out” .

I think a balance is necessary and if the small child gets something that is meant to occupy small children as somebody explained up thread then just leave it at that? No need to go round phoning the ex to see if she is doing something and then offering to pay for that. If she does if- great if she doesn’t then no harm done.

OPs child also has feelings not just the POOOOOR step kids who are always left out allegedly

well I’m sure her half siblings having a Christmas treat as well as her won’t damage her too much. Also what’s with the allegedly? Often they are actually left out. Many kids live between two homes where both parents have had another child and if both step parents take the attitude that they should only care about their own child (but obviously want the other parent along as well for the special stuff they only want to do with their own child) then the older child can feel they don’t fully belong anywhere. Thankfully there are lots of step parents out there who do include their step kids in everything they do.

I agree. Tell him that sounds like a great idea and youll love to see what he fills them with… and he can do them all next year.

Well in this situation absolutely no harm will befall the youngest if the OP also makes a little box up for her half siblings. She will still get her special treat on Christmas Eve, it’s just that her older siblings will also feel cared for and special.
I don’t think anyone has said anything about bread and water but I have seen threads where someone says she can’t relax around her SDC so is it okay to exclude them from the main family holiday or how she wants to take her DC to Disney but doesn’t want the SDC to go because of cost or other reasons. That’s nothing to do with bread and water and is just really shit.

Is DH unable to do one for his own kids?

Is he an amputee or unable to access shops or the internet?

I’d genuinely be interested in the response to a post along these lines:

I have a child from a previous relationship and s/he spends every other Christmas with his/her dad. I also have a younger child with my DP. DP was making a Christmas surprise/treat/whatever for the youngest so I asked if he was also going to make one for my oldest and he shrugged and said he didn’t see the point as s/he wouldn’t be there and if I was that bothered, I know where the shop is and can do it myself. AIBU to be upset?

I bet you’d get loads of replies about what a dick he is and how the OP had imposed this unkind uncaring man on her eldest and should get rid pronto. But if the sexes are reversed it’s fine apparently.