How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

This..

You don't sound well, at all OP. You sound either mentally ill, or a miserable person.

But rich of you to call a 17/18 year old girl a bitch & a bully when you're on here sounding more manipulative by the post.
But maybe it's because you're not well.

I hope you get the help you need. If you aren't mentally unwell, I'd have a huge look inwards. I agree with PP that you won't have a relationship with your grandkids if you continue. What if they get married, are you going to sit in the corner stone faced sneering at them because she's a fussy eater?

Also - you work full time but allow your kids to live in a hovel? Right.. clean your house. If you can't afford a cleaner perhaps stop going out for dinner and then picking holes in what people order.
Put the money towards a one off clean.

I'm hoping it doesn't work out😑. I know on mn they fling the word narcissist about🙄but her dm is the epitome of narcissistic. He is under her control and doesn't even know it. Terrifying.
I wish you well 🫂 x

Why?

Completely agree

Your mental health isn’t good, your partner died four years ago and you’re struggling, I think that’s what you need to concentrate on. Can you ask your sons to help sort out the problems with your home?
Your son’s girlfriend no matter how you feel about her is his choice and could one day become the mother of your grandchildren. You can’t choose your daughter in laws but you can alienate them and lose your son though by not respecting his choices. I would walk on hot coals for my grandchildren and I respect my adult children’s choice of partner, to go against them would cause immeasurable pain for everyone.

Surely if she is a picky eater or has allergies or other requirements it's kind of important that you go somewhere where there's something she can eat? We always take DSS to places we know he likes, for example. Nothing wrong with that.

You don't like her, but your DS clearly does, so you need to suck it up I'm afraid.

Other than being fussy with food why is your sons GF a diva? Can you discuss food preferences and eat out somewhere you’d all enjoy?

Could you tell us why your son, living at home, can’t help with the cleaning.

Just let your son get on with his relationship. You are very judgemental of other folks lifestyles and you seem to dislike this girl for very little reason as far as I can see.

The fact that you’re bonding with the OP over shared dislikes of children’s partners, when OP is yet to give one legitimate reason for disliking this young lady, makes it look very much like you are a problem MIL also.

I would be very concerned about my teen or young adult offspring dating someone who was not in education or on a strong career path. There isn’t much you can do about the relationship itself, but you can repeatedly emphasize to your son the importance of always using condoms and not deviating from his apprenticeship under any circumstances.

I genuinely don't think I am - also, I'm sorry, I made a typo, it was my ex-partner, my sons' dad, who died. Thanks for your thoughtful insight though.

@SpryCat
He wasn't her partner, he died in 2019, they'd been separated since her DS18 was 1, sounds like she uses this as excuse for sympathy etc

Or the son could help with the tidying up if he's that embarrassed.

I think OP is using slut in its original sense (dirty, slovenly woman) rather than using it in its modern common usage to insult anyone else...

Sorry OP no real input but just knew as soon as I saw that how it'd probably be taken!

You are getting some harsh replies because you’ve been harsh about a young woman but not actually given any examples to back it up.

If you had given examples of her being a diva or bitchy etc then you would absolutely have more support.

THANK YOU! This is exactly what I'm driving at. Wasn't aware that made me Nigel Farage until I posted on here though!😃

How many times?

Yes, the OP works

Full time

Really, have you no understanding at all

For now just grin and bear her. At 18 it’s unlikely this will last. Do talk to your son if you can about contraception, pointing out to him that fathering a child will mean he’s responsible for 18 years minimum. Talk about how lovely it will be when he’s qualified and will have a choice of travelling, maybe working wherever you think he’d find interesting. Just smile and ask how she is and be vague.
Hate her and you’ll be forcing them together — a them against the world thing.

You need to play the long game.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5196288-i-need-to-get-myself-together-please-help-if-you-can?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

The source OP 🤣 you do realise everyone’s posts are searchable right?

OP, this is meant with genuine kindness because you're obviously struggling, but you sound so angry. Angry people can never be happy people. You are angry with your son's girlfriend, you are very angry with people who are responding here. OK some of them have met your hostility with the same in return, but you have also accused some PPs of being angry who really didn't come across that way at all. You're imagining attacks where none exist.

If it's true that you are alcohol dependent as referenced by one PP then this will almost certainly be a huge contributing factor. I definitely don't know any happy alcoholics.

With respect, it really doesn't sound like this girl has done anything wrong. I think your mental health is 100% the problem and until you can seek help and get a grip of that, along with the alcohol dependency, you are always going to have some enemy or other in your life.

Oh, for goodness sake!! My son is so scarred from that relationship I will be very lucky to be a mil.
Btw, I would be the best, most understanding, compassionate and giving mil.
Don't judge me for being kind after seeing the nastiness on here.

Ah yes, thanks @thepariscrimefiles and so many others; found them now

I'm no expert in alcohol dependency, OP, but wonder if the erratic emotions and the way your house is may be related - also whether you're getting any support?

You are right, and I respect that I will always be secondary to my kids' life partners, which is as it should be, but, as a kind person just said on here, it is worrying when a prospective life partner (who is by no means 'stupid') has already ducked out of education, which might mean they rely on my son financially in the future, especially if they have a family.

I’m also someone who has chronic pain and struggles to maintain my home as I have ASD. I happen to hold down a highly technical senior position at work. Sitting at a desk and doing math all day is much easier than bending over and cleaning. I am just lucky because I am highly paid so I can throw money at the problem.

it’s very common, I don’t know why people don’t understand that. People with desk based jobs can work with health conditions that would force people with more physical jobs to unemployment.