How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

You don't speak for the dead & that's s personal attack

That poster doesn't sound angry at all. She is just picking you up on your faux bemusement about why people were referring to your misogynist insults by listing (again) all the misogynist terms you have used on this thread.

Well op, there is nowt you can do, other than let it fizzle out. My son had a horror of a gf a few years ago. She was so sweet to me in person but I didn't realise until they finished what she had put him through. My sister is currently worried about her ds because he has just proposed to his controlling dg. There is nothing we can do other than be there for him when it goes south, fingers crossed it will be soon.
Don't push him away, he will need you soon enough.
💐

Then he wasn't your partner, was he?

Your grief in losing your ex-partner, and for your children losing their father is valid, but it is not the same as losing a partner.

Wow. My sons are now 22 and 18, for accuracy. Do you have any insight into why and how we separated, by any chance? Not your usual circumstances. And what, exactly, is your investment in this? I have nothing to hide; but you clearly do.

What exactly am I trying to hide?

Have you been drinking? Your posts are a little erratic.

It clear you a struggling. I'm sorry you lost your partner and your boys lost their dads. This would break many peoples mental health.

Firstly, the mess. If this was sorted I have no doubt you would feel a million times better in yourself.

Small steps. Start with one room and clear it.

1. Bin
2. Charity shop
3. Keep.

Be ruthless! Once it's declutterred, you can clean and keep on top of it.

After than you need to try and build bridges with your son and GF.

Be kind and open to a relationship with them both. You don't want to loose your son over not liking his partner.

Wishing you the best.

Blimey, a voice of sanity, finally! Yes, this is my take on it too, in terms of hoping it just fizzles out. Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your sister's son, I hope that works out. x

Can I ask where thi has come from please?
I searched for other posts/threads from the same poster and can't find any ...

I think you are overthinking things and got time on your hands. Your son is 18yrs he is studying and trying to improve his prospects. His relationship is none of your business, you just dont like her. If he wants to talk to you then you both can have a discussion and you can share your concerns but it seems he doesn't and conducts his relationship away from your home. He doesn't find your home welcoming and you cannot expect this girl to roll her sleeves up, she's just a teenager . You are feeling sorry for yourself and need to start looking at your own life and what you can do to improve it. I have severe arthritis and I'm in a lot of pain and over 70 but I keep going by doing a little bit every day to keep my home clean, I keep my self clean and tidy and enjoy my hobbies. You are lucky to have your younger son living at home, he doesn't give you any real problems it seems. You could ask him to give you a little help around your flat and help you keep it tidy. If you interfere with his girlfriend, you will antagonise him and you'll drive him out and your relationship may not recover, then you will be on your own! You need to look to your own life and try to make positive changes to it.

It revealing that you would take one neutral phrase and turn into something “patronizing.”

It was truthful. I know that because it happened to my very own family, my very own grandmother. She was particularly unhappy and unpleasant and we stayed away.

You have a choice in life to either be pleasant or unpleasant.

By your response to me, I don’t hold out hope for your son and any future family he might have.

But that’s on you. It’s not on me — I’m just some random on the internet who replied to your post.

Depression is no excuse to live like a scruff. Clean your home before you judge others, sounds like you take the piss.

OP - you are coming across as increasingly unwell and irrational. I'd advise you to put your phone down, step away and get some rest.

Posters upthread have said that you've said you're reliant on alcohol in previous threads, which may be what's behind your posts on this thread. Please seek help.

They definitely are there

Thank you so much, kind and wise advice. Hopefully, I'm a way yet from losing my son; we live together and get on very well for the most part. x

Do an advanced search, it is all there.

But you still haven't explained what the GF has actually DONE @BrianBlessed01?
If you give examples of what behaviour she has displayed that makes you not like her, that might ender more people to your cause. You've not actually gave examples that anyone can empathise with or relate to.

There are several.

This is very true, thank you for taking the time for replying. I absolutely recognise that my son is making his own life, and that is healthy and how it should be. We do chat about stuff when he's home. I work very hard during the week, and I do have friends outside of work; but you're right; I probably do have too much time to brood about stuff at weekends.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5196288-i-need-to-get-myself-together-please-help-if-you-can

I think you’re getting a bit of a pile-on, OP. Maybe you feel resentful of the girlfriend as a symptom of your general state; everything seems so much worse when you’re ill and depressed. Maybe you’re worried she’ll not be a positive influence on him. Maybe you’re afraid he’ll give up his education? Does GF have plans? A job? Do you feel he’d be “trapped”?

Perhaps your son could help with a tidy up? Maybe a declutter and he could deliver bits and bobs to a charity shop.
Do look into PIP; if you have a chronic health condition. It’s designed to make life easier and the money would pay for a cleaner.
Good luck

It’s difficult to ask others to be kind when you aren’t displaying much kindness yourself.

I understand 4 years worth of an unkept house is a big undertaking and I appreciate the last thing you want to do after finishing work is house work.

little an often. How about you set aside an hour each day to turn your house into a home? Small manageable tasks that chip away at the big picturer.

tidu house, tidy mind. Perhaps then when you house is tidy you may be able to invite your sons gf over from time to time and spend time with her, perhaps you’ll see what your son sees or your mind won’t change but you look supportive and your son will know you’re their for him.

I think you have a lot of misplaced anger. Try to Chanel it into something positive

These are good tips. Break it down into small chunks.

The time you are wasting brooding,use it to tidy your house or your son will move out of his own accord.
He goes to his GFs all the time because he'll be embarrassed by the house.
Don't know why you can dislike the GF when they rarely come to your house.
Sneering at her family when you live in a hovel is very hypocritical.

We are equally flabbergasted by the spite in your post. Usually I try to be measured and respectful but this is one of the nastiest things I’ve read in quite a while - bitching about someone who is only just old enough to vote, expecting sympathy for your situation while looking down your nose at someone else’s family/upbringing… I was always taught that people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones! My honest advice is to delete this post and take some time to work on yourself, ideally before your son realised how you feel and cuts you off in favour of his “diva” of a girlfriend.