For not wanting our friend couple to bring baby over to our house?

[Samatha09]

Hello dear people, my good friend (lets call her Ava) had her first baby for 11 months ago. A sweet baby girl. Me and my partner used to invite ava and her partner over for dinner and game nights, movie nights and vica versa (before baby). Now we have mostly gone at their home, my and my partner prefer that. Also they have everything the baby needs at their home, changing table, dining chair, toys ect. We also don’t have a childproof home. Decorations at floor and that. Since i know they let baby crawl around to explore.

Don’t want baby to ruin our stuff like get spit up or for the baby to eat or choke on something. I kinda feel like they getting disapointed on us, but she also implies that it won’t be easy to play board games or watch a movie with baby around. So this may sound very asshole like but me and my partner don’t see the point of inviting them over if its all gonna be centred about the baby. Also i said to my friend that we don’t always need to have dinner at her home whenever we come over. We don’t expect dinner tbh.We also bring with us some snacks and sodas over.

Also i think its easier for them than having to bring tons of stuff over for the baby

You're coming across very unpleasant.

There are loads of childfree people on this website, AIBU became very popular in particular with childfree people, including myself.

I have no children but have worked in childcare since I was 18. Just because people don't have children, it doesn't mean they don't have any experience. I can probably guarntee I have more than you.

OP i think i do actually understand where you're coming from.

When my babies were little I did prefer friends to come to me because I had all the things I needed to sort baby out then put em to bed and enjoy growup time. I found it more stressful bringing travel seat, toys, changing stuff etc and didn't really relax at other ppls homes. Even now I'd prefer to visit homes of other ppl who have kids to entertain my kids, so this all sounds pretty normal.

I did and do love being invited out as a couple and getting my kids babysat so maybe that's an option.

By 'flooded' I meant the water seeped into the floor and took weeks to dry out. I didn't mean 'flooded' like in a cartoon with baby going sailing down the hall!

I think OP is getting an unfair rap here. People have different homes, some have more ornaments and stuff than others, or wires and plugged in things. If it is your own baby you adapt with it and move things gradually as they become more mobile. I totally understand it would be a lot of hassle to rearrange for friends to visit if you don't have a minimalist type home.

It's surprising what a mobile baby will get into and how much noise is involved if they can't get into what they want. Depending on the baby, of course. Plus uninterrupted adult conversation becomes difficult as many babies need full on attention at all times.

When my kids were grown up, after many years of poverty I started buying nice things for the home knowing they wouldn't get broken. Grandchildren came along and they are the light of my life, but when they visited (they live far away) I had to rearrange the whole living room, leave the bottom of bookcase empty, remove stuff from low level drawers and so on. Even then, at toddler stage, they got into things I wouldn't have imagined. Example I finally treated myself to a nice pepper grinder, it somehow got grabbed from above a level I thought was reachable, and thrown across a room and broke. Knife drawer, above toddler head height but they chose that one drawer to open and put their hand in (spotted in time and still has all their fingers).

Friendship works both ways, I'd just explain in a nice way that you don't think your house is very childproof, cupboards aren't secured to walls or whatever the risks are, and you'd be worried the baby might grab something and maybe get hurt.
Ask would a play pen work or offer to cook them dinner and bring it over if they are fixed on things involving dinner.

However, people do get defensive about their babies, so the friendship may drift....

You watch them whilst chatting obviously .

Haha you think I'm going to tell you anything about me when you post things like this?

it is weird that you’re even signed up to mumsnet
let alone asking mumsnet this Op

If I say I have children you'll do the "oh your poor children nonsense" and if I say I don't, as predicted above...

As your friends have families this is going to happen again and again. Not sure if you feel like you can ask her specifically to get together without the baby. You may need to accept things change.

If it's at night I don't blame you

The baby will settle for sleep much better in their own home and your evening can carry on

During the day maybe you could make accommodations and have them for lunch? Maybe in the summer?

Can’t you offer to bring dinner round to their house and wash up after or pay for a takeaway, so they don’t always feel like they’re hosting?

I’m with OP. Bringing my baby round to houses of childless couples where they have vases out and stuff to choke on, the disrupting baby’s routine is a pain in the arse. Paying for a babysitter is expensive and there is pressure to be home by a certain time. Much rather they come to us.

I have 4 DKs, I don't expect to have to look after other peoples, unless I am actually babysitting. I had a friend who used to come round with hers, they would go outside smash my trees,jump all over the furniture with muddy shoes. One turned the electric hob on and had put her school bag on the top. I worked in a big general hospital ED and it's surprising what kids do and the accidents they have. I had child locks on my kitchen cupboards dgd managed to open them, got out a dishwasher tablet. Could open childproof meds and bleach at 2. Her dB never did any of these things. My place is open plan, ornaments on the fireplace, books, plants everywhere,leads to kitchen ovens,hob, kettle, knife block.and conservatory,no doors, to close off rooms. I've got low tablets with table lamps with expensive glass shades. Impossible to put everything away in another room. I IAnother friend though it was fine to let her toddler get up on top of and jump on my glass table. I mentioned some of my plants were toxic, reply "well,why have you got them then"? Because this is my home. It's not a show home. It's got comfy seating, throws, books, plants, ornaments,nick backs,glass.

Your friends' lives have changed. Forever. If you don't like spending time with them anymore, don't.

I have a 3 month old and one of my best friends has very unreasonable expectations of me of going out to late dinners or evenings at the cinema, none of which are compatible with caring for an infant. So that friendship will die. Other good friends have adapted to seeing me in the day / for brunch/ lunch/ early evening quick drink, when it's easier for me to leave baby behind etc.

It's a matter of priorities. They don't like you enough to get a babysitter to spend 1 on 1 time with you. And you don't like their baby.

It's fine. You don't have enough in common anymore. Friendships move on. That's life.

I have three kids. I’ve never “childproofed” my home. I might move a couple of things out the way for a bit but you sound like you need to protect against a wild animal. Tbh you sound a fairly rubbish friend, not to try to adapt / accommodate whatever life change your friend has had (whether baby or could have been something entirely different) - you don’t have to bother trying, but she’d be fine to lose you I think.

I would feel the same, OP.
Your home, your bloody choice.

I bet you have, you just don't realise it.

This is what we did with one set of of friends when they had their children. We went to them in the evening and they came to us in the summer when we could have a BBQ and use the garden rather than having them indoors.

This is nonsense.

I've been in my home for 27 years. Not only are there myriad breakables, antiques and delicate textiles, there are:

Cleaning chemicals
Cutlery and razors
Sewing supplies and tools
Toiletries including facial acids, etc
Medications
Electrical wires
Containers of outdoor bird feed
Plant Fertilizers
Antique/expensive books
Paint & craft supplies
Stairs to the rear entrance (v old cottage)

And that's just the hazards that occur to me immediately. It would take a day to toddler proof my home and I would not dream of doing so. Meet in the pub or at theirs.

I was thinking that myself! Sounds like AI wrote the OP.

This. It’s not all about your preferences. If you want to stay friends with them and for whatever reason they don’t have a babysitter, you’ll need to be more flexible. Their preference for not always hosting is just as valid as your preference for never hosting.

I dont want other peoples kids in my house either.

I do not get why people think you are being unreasonable by expecting to control who comes in to your house or not

OP I have a toddler and I think you’re fine to not have them over for evenings. Tbh I wouldn’t want to take my toddler to a non-baby friendly house anyway, much easier at home. I also don’t see much point in trying to socialise while the child is awake. Better to go to their’s after child’s bedtime. Def take it in turns to provide the food though.

do you have a garden? If you do, you could make more of an effort to host them for sole afternoons in the summer, outside?

Depends on the kid, to be fair. Some of them are wreckers

You don't sound like you actually care about them or about what's important in their life. Their baby will come first now, and rightly so. Maybe you'll understand if you go on to have children yourself one day.

I think it's fine if you don't want them round, but probably expect the friendship to wane as a consequence. You don't sound interested in children and they've got 20 years of so of child-based stuff ahead.