Overheard him saying he should have married someone else

[YourRealBiscuit]

Hi all.
as you all may remember my relationship is heavily on the rocks but I wanted to get your opinion still…
I was watching a video my partner had taken on his phone of a concert - he knew I was watching it.

What he didn’t really realise is that I watched all of it and at the end he forgot to stop the video.

it went on to a conversation with his friend in the car where he said “I should have married her” in reference to his ex. How lovely she was and his friend agreed it would have been a great idea.

we’ve been together over a decade!

AIBU to be extra hurt with this? Or should I have expected it? Is that what people say in a rocky relationship??

It’s not a nice thing to say, but I think if the relationship has broken down and is really on the rocks lots of people probably do think the same. If you’re unhappy in the situation you’re in then it’s quite natural to think back on other things and sort of think “I wouldn’t be in this unhappy situation if I’d done XYZ instead”.

Thank you. Would you bring it up or try to forget about it?

Hes right though isn't he? If your relationship is rocky we all speculate

I haven’t seen any previous threads so I have no idea how “rocky” it is… I’d be really hurt if I heard my husband say that.

That said, if it’s in a really bad place, I think it’s easy to wonder if you made the wrong choice and should have stayed with an older partner or found someone else. I do think if you’re at that stage, especially where you’d share that with a friend, it’s over though, there’s no coming back from that.

Only he can say if he’s right, obviously.
I guess I’m more concerned about hearing him and his best friend agreeing he should be with someone other than me.
I also think maybe it just confirms what I feel about how he treats me. Made me sad to hear.

I wouldn’t say he was wrong to speculate with a friend. He’s not incorrect in supposing that it could have been better with someone else.

However, I would bring it up and point out that a decade later she’s moved on with her life and is unlikely to contemplate him, so don’t be living a life in his head where he’s with her and it’s all roses, because that’s not what he chose and he needs to live in the real world, not a dream one!

I wouldn't bring it up; what is the point? Are you making plans to leave?

It's a fair comment from him to his friend if the relationship with you has greatly deteriorated.

If you were getting on great then it would be devastating.

Sadly, I think he feels the relationship with you is over and resentment has set in.

I would tell him that you heard the comment and the fact you feel hurt means that your feelings for him are greater than his foe you and is the relationship salvageable. What steps are you both prepared to take to get it back on track or more realistically which is the most amicable way to split up.

Wishing you all the best.

We get on great on the face of it, but there have been some clear alarm bells such as not being married. Not being included in his will etc
If you looked from the outside it would look fine and even though I’m trying to sort out my future independence I had hoped things might improve.
Im certainly not sharing thoughts like that about him with friends.

If it had been that good with her she wouldn’t have been the one that got away. He’s forgotten why she wasn’t right, and possibly thinks the grass might be greener. Have an in-depth discussion about what you both want to save or end your marriage.

Feels like sour grapes if I say something like that but I do agree.
makes it worse that she lives in the same town as us and he regularly sees her parents and they call him their “favourite” etc
but it’s not about her, he could have been saying it about any woman

I'd take it as an opportunity to have an open and calm discussion about how the relationship has run it's course

Oh op, you’re not financially safe with this man, let alone the fact he’s just not that into you. Don’t waste your life.

I wouldn't bring it up. I think it's time to accept that it hasn't worked and look ahead not backwards.

I do agree with what you all say, I just feel so low with it all it’s the very last thing I needed to hear.
ive often asked him if I should be x,y,z more to make him treat me better and this lady IS x y z … so it’s left me feeling like yes, there is something wrong with you, it’s not in your head. You’re not her (or at least you’re YOU AND THATS WRONG)

Your relationship is on the rocks. You're not married. He's saying he should have married someone else - note the word 'married'. He's not saying 'I should have lived with her' is he? He thinks he should have committed to her.

I think you need to make plans to leave. You're in a weak financial position and you need to get that sorted asap.

X post therefore correction to relationship, not marriage. Ask him what he wants in his future as he doesn’t appear to be committed to you emotionally or financially. I think you are wise to pursue your independence from him.

I would get my ducks on a row then tell him he still can (marry her). Off you pop.

Exactly, it would be one thing if he said “I should have treated her better” but to say he wishes he married her. That’s saying he should still be with her now, as you say a long term commitment.
like the one he’s not making to me.

it’s like the universe is conspiring to give me reason after reason to wake up!

YANBU to be hurt but it is no surprise if your relationship is on the rocks that he is talking to friends about his future.

Oh, are you the poster who has an older dh who isn't planning to include you in his will? I'm sorry, from all the things you have said I'm afraid he just isn't into the relationship like you thought he was. Incredibly hurtful and I'd feel devastated that he is just using you, but I think for you own self preservation the sooner you get-out of this relationship the better. Sounds like he is only waiting around while your DC are young?
No point in telling him. You can't make him care, just open yourself up to more hurt

ive often asked him if I should be x,y,z more to make him treat me better

Oh love, kindly, this isn't the man for you. If he wanted to treat you better he would, he doesn't. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he wanted you to hear that conversation about marrying someone else. They can be very believable about 'forgetting' to stop recording, or whatever.

It sounds like you've tried talking to him a fair bit already, and he's done nothing to make you feel any more secure or wanted. It sounds like he doesn't want you being confident. Or happy. I wouldn't bother mentioning the concert at all.

Start working on your own plans, don't involve him in any of your thoughts that only enables him to sabotage whatever you have in mind in whatever way, keep posting here or with people you trust in real life but I think it's time to accept this that man needs to be not in your life

I’m starting to think I’m a bit unhinged based on other answers but a comment like this would make me go absolutely nuclear. It’s incredibly hurtful in my opinion and I’d be showing him exactly where the door is. Sorry OP that’s a horrible thing to hear a partner say.

If you don’t have kids, I’d end this.

@YourRealBiscuit its more hurtful because you aren’t married. He chose not to marry you but expected you to give up your job to raise his children with you. Even then the thought of marrying you didn’t seem appealing. If he had married you the issues you are having re inheritance and property ownership wouldn’t be occurring so that fact he views marriage to someone else as a possibility shows that he’s not adverse to marriage as a concept.

He’s obviously viewing the ex through rose tinted glasses and is not focused on whatever the reason was they broke up but it’s extremely hurtful given that your children wouldn’t exist if he had stayed with her and that he’s apparently so flippant about the life he built with you, even if things are tricky right now.

Its actually quite cruel to speculate about the fantasy marriage to someone else when in reality he wouldn’t marry you.