Overheard him saying he should have married someone else

[YourRealBiscuit]

Hi all.
as you all may remember my relationship is heavily on the rocks but I wanted to get your opinion still…
I was watching a video my partner had taken on his phone of a concert - he knew I was watching it.

What he didn’t really realise is that I watched all of it and at the end he forgot to stop the video.

it went on to a conversation with his friend in the car where he said “I should have married her” in reference to his ex. How lovely she was and his friend agreed it would have been a great idea.

we’ve been together over a decade!

AIBU to be extra hurt with this? Or should I have expected it? Is that what people say in a rocky relationship??

Practical things:

How old are you both?

How old are the kids?

Is their mother about?

Does he own the house outright?

Do you have a good job, income, savings, pension?

Do you have family & friends about you to confide in?

What do you own?

What is the rental market like near you?

Is a mortgage possible?

He shouldn't marry you if he doesn't want to. No one should be forced / pressured to marry. And I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't think he was the luckiest man alive to have me in his life

Sorry, but he's just not that into you. But, better to know that. Move on. Be the master of your own destiny. Good luck

It was a throwaway comment not meant for you. It was either indicative of the fact he was at that moment pissed off at you, or a more long term issue of the fact your relationship isn't going well from both sides. He doesn't literally mean it. Like she probably wouldn't have wanted to marry him even if he did think that. Not that it's not hurtful. But it sounds like things aren't going well so it's not an out of blue shock.
It seems like there's a lot of issues underlying. Whether it's flogging a dead horse to try and see a solution at this stage, only you will know.

How do you think I would hear it? Do you think I’d stuffed myself in the boot? Or do you think the whole thing is a lie??

Just to clarify, the not being married is merely an observation. I no longer would marry him because of the state of the relationship.

Thanks so much for trying to be helpful. I’ve got all these ducks in a row, it’s just time now, time to save up deposit and time to find a home.

He’s an awful person. It’s a shame that there isn’t anything you can do legally about the house and stuff because surely you can’t put up with living with him until the end of your life? I’d rather live under a bridge than live with this selfish arsehole.

Things couldn’t have been all that great with the ex as he’d still be with her and he would never have got together with you. I wouldn’t stay with someone who said that though, the relationship is over if either of you think like that. His friend was probably just agreeing with him to not challenge him about it instead of saying ‘wtf are you talking about, you’ve been in a reltionship for over 10 years to someone else, why are you dredging up a relationship from over 10 years ago that didn’t work out’.

I wouldn't bring it up at the moment, I'd get rid of him, if practically possible.
🙁

His admission to friends was honest, as are your admissions on here. This doesn't make him a bad person, nor you.

It's what you both do moving forward that is important.

This. Big girl knickers and LTB

I looked at your other thread OP and I was disgusted that your DP thought that was a reasonable way to treat the mother of his children. And very sad that throughout your relationship with him that you have felt like a " bolt on " - to use your own words.
So to hear your DP actually say this to his friend must have been devastating for you. And the fact that his friend agreed must have felt really humiliating.
No wonder your self esteem has taken a big hit.
Hopefully when you split up from this unpleasant man you will be able to flourish and find happiness.

I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of saying that you know, but it would give me the drive to leave. Good luck with whatever you choose to do

Ps ... it's not uncommon for people to say unpleasant things whilst in the throws of breaking up, it's a sad thing to do about someone you once loved but all too common

Glad it wasn't just me thinking 🤔 he recorded a bit of a concert, the concert ended, he left the venue, he got back to the car, presumably some time passed in the car to start this conversation and yet he was filming the entire time??

And then you sat and watched it all until it reaches that point??

You said you'd asked him if you should be more like his ex.

She left him.
Be more like his ex.

@YourRealBiscuit

I remember your previous thread and I'm so glad you're getting those ducks in a row. I hope it includes buying yourself a house/flat to move into. IIRC he even suggested it himself so you'd shut up about providing security for you in his home. So take him at his word and do it.

Here's the thing. This man has shown such total disregard and disrespect for you and what you do for him that you can't trust a thing he says, or really even a thing he shows you. His word is worth less than nothing and he could conceivably change his will to give you a life estate to keep you there as his skivvy, show you that will to 'prove it', then quietly change it back to making no provisions for you at all. He has so little respect for you that I wouldn't put it past him. And he'd do it figuring "Well, I'll be dead so I won't be around when the kids kick her out".

I agree with you that your self esteem has taken a huge hit. But that's something you can do something about right now. Get into counseling to build up your confidence then get the hell out.

I can see how it's hurtful to hear, even if things are rocky of course it's not nice. The beauty of imagining a different life is that it isn't constrained by reality; he probably does imagine if stuff isn't great with you both that taking a different path would have been better, because he can imagine it however he likes.

This would be the final straw for me to be honest (if the relationship was otherwise good would address it but not necessarily leave).

I don’t understand all these people saying what he said is ok just because your relationship is struggling.

what he said is unkind, and it’s never helpful to look back at what could have been just because the present isn’t going as planned.

I understand it's horrible news to accidentally hear, but realistically you already acknowledge your relationship is rocky and affecting your self esteem and you now know he feels the same.
Your DC will be affected by the atmosphere they live in, so it's time to put a plan to leave into action.
You're in a precarious position anyway.
Words are cheap( re his will) look at his actions.
He is not even kind andcaring towards you.
I wouldn't bother bringing up what you heard as I actually don't think it's relevant. Just confirms how you feel
Take control and tell him it's your decision to leave
Trust me, you and your DC will thrive without him.

It sounds like you're on your journey.

All the very best, OP. There is life as more than an unpaid housekeeper/nanny

Actually, I think it's very helpful - for everyone - to look back at what could have been, and think about what might have come of it.

Sometimes you'll think, "Yep, that would have been a better course to have taken." And sometimes you'll think, "Nah - that would have all gone wrong, if I'm honest." And in either case, you'll never know whether you're right.

But that thought experiment has all sorts of benefits.

It gives context to whatever you're going through now.

It helps you analyse where you are and what you feel about it, just through comparison to an imagined outcome.

If you've done it before, the comparison between this time you imagined it and last time you imagined it tells you a lot about who you were then and who you are now.

I'd say that it's absolutely vital to look back at what might have been, in order to work out what you want to happen next.

Sounds like living in the past to me instead of confronting the real problems in front of you at present. Never healthy and nobody has a crystal ball and you can’t change the past so what’s the point!!

I don't think that I can explain any more clearly than that what the point is.

Still, if you get nothing from figuring out how you got to where you are, then that kind of reflection probably isn't for you.

It did when I was younger but as I’ve grown I no longer find it very useful