Overheard him saying he should have married someone else

[YourRealBiscuit]

Hi all.
as you all may remember my relationship is heavily on the rocks but I wanted to get your opinion still…
I was watching a video my partner had taken on his phone of a concert - he knew I was watching it.

What he didn’t really realise is that I watched all of it and at the end he forgot to stop the video.

it went on to a conversation with his friend in the car where he said “I should have married her” in reference to his ex. How lovely she was and his friend agreed it would have been a great idea.

we’ve been together over a decade!

AIBU to be extra hurt with this? Or should I have expected it? Is that what people say in a rocky relationship??

Of course it was shitty. This is a guy who had children with the OP but made it very clear that he didn’t want to marry her. Despite the fact that she raised his kids and compromised her career for that he didn’t want to offer her any financial security either by marriage or putting the house in joint names. He then wanted to cut her out of his will entirely and probably has done despite what he says. He doesn’t give a shit what happens to her in old age.
As if that isn’t enough he then mouths off to his mate about how he wanted to marry his ex. Marry as in share his finances with and have to provide for.
Hes a cunt.

This poster lacks emotional intelligence to offer anything to OP.

Indeed. Thankfully there have been more helpful posters!

If this was me, my rocky relationship would now be over and I would be packing his bag. The hurt I would have felt from that comment would override any thoughts I had of salvaging the relationship.

edited to add that yes, I would definitely bring up the fact I had heard this, clearly stating to him that now he can fantasise about life with ex all alone by himself. You deserve so much better than this OP.

Update: Well I did bring it up, I was so hurt I couldn’t let it go.

I asked him first, if he felt he had any regrets with anyone. He said categorically no, I asked him in a few different ways to see if he’d just admit it and it was a solid no.

So I played the video to listen to. After being faced with what was said, he’s actually managed to make it all about him! “Oh yes I’m an awful person you should leave” “I should just be single”

I don’t know what the term for it is, but whatever it is, he’s doing it.

As many of you have pointed out. I know he didn’t care about me in the beginning, properly, but I thought yes, I’ve contributed to that. I should have brought more to the relationship, I should have been more independent and fought for myself.

But really none of those things would matter because I wasn’t someone else.

So my slow trudge towards my own life continues. Hopefully I won’t have any more updates but somehow, I think I will :( thanks for your help all.

@YourRealBiscuit Urgh I’m sorry he responded that way but I can’t say I’m surprised at all sadly. It is the hall mark of an emotionally immature man to respond so pathetically to calm confrontation; of course he is the victim here. My experience of men like this is that they are allergic to the truth and it’ll drive you mad being on the receiving end of the mental gymnastics and vague statements, it’s a form of gaslighting which creates a fog so that you’re unable to see clearly. He is self absorbed and rather than listen to you and understand how you’re feeling, he has turned it all around onto himself.

There are so many things here that you aren’t happy with, you deserve to feel like a priority. Hopefully you can take some independent steps forward now, away from him and towards a happy future. You can do it.

Is the word 'gaslighting'?

I felt like gaslighting was more like him denying he’d said it which he didn’t quite but he certainly managed to make himself the victim. No empathy for me, he hasn’t even spoken to me about it since I brought it up, such is his disregard for me.

@YourRealBiscuit

I'd say it's closer to DARVO: Deny, Attack,Reverse Victim and Offender

He stopped Denying after being shown proof, but he did Attack you and make himself the Victim and you the Offender for bringing it up.

I know you're 'working your way free', but this just shows once again how little he thinks of you and that you are simply a 'convenience' to him. And that he thinks if he DARVOs that it puts you back in your box.

Is there no way you can just pack up and leave? Worry about the future once you're out. Every day he's crushing your self esteem more and more. So everyday you're having that heaped on your shoulders. Get out now before the load gets any heavier.