To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

Clearly she doesn’t want to drive. But is it fear or laziness/pisstaking? If it’s the first, then lessons would be the obvious solution. If the latter then there may not be a solution.

Some of my friends live in Dublin and use public transport for everything and I only learned recently that actually both were originally from the countryside and can drive but from listening to his terrified they are of driving anywhere including at home, I think it’s better for society that they don’t!! Nervous drivers, drivers that go out of their way not to drive shouldn’t be on the road, they’re actually a danger. I think you need to talk to her as to what her problem is (if she sees 1.8l as powerful that kind of says she has a mental block) and consider moving and yes unfortunately changing jobs. Not worth a marriage being in turmoil over!!

This.

And on the left hand side of the road. I wouldn’t drive in England.

I’d go as far as yo say there should be a limit on how many times an individual is allowed to apply for a driving test after failing.

Execpt she works there as well
It's also her place of work and her home.
He's not keeping her there. She's boxed herself in and limited her options.

This. I think it's ridiculous that an adult refuses to learn to drive. I DESPISE driving but I still do it because I'm an adult and there are times when driving is required. Putting it all on other partner is an impractical cop out. Don't leave your job as some posters have suggested, that's ludicrous. This is easily solved, she needs refresher lessons and then needs to just keep doing it. I know driving can be stressful and even frightening (as I said, I absolutely hate driving) but making it someone else's problem is just too selfish.

So your DW used to drive, has a foreign license.

I'm surprised you drove her around for so long too, however I know life moves on and sometimes just easier to do the errands and the driving yourself, than insist.
I wouldn't use the interview as leverage in this case, too important.
Obviously, if she gets the job, things will change, and you driving her is absurd.
BTW, why can't she drive a manual shift?

Your DW has a lot of learning to do, learning not to be scared on English roads, learning to drive manual, and getting her license.
New Years Eve resolution, anyone?

I doubt it. She will just expect lifts to and from work

A rural estate is probably in the Scottish Highlands. Anywhere else in the UK it wouldn't be that far to a post office! There probably isn't much choice of alternative housing either

Agree it's a strange choice for someone who doesn't want to drive

She will expect them to both move to the new job and him to drive back to his old job

If she gets a job then it would be reasonable for there to be a discussion about where to live, would it not? Perhaps the other location would suit them better.

I don’t think having an hour commute each way to work every day when neither of them have any work commute now will suit the OP.

I love her very much and honestly I just want her to have independence so she can live a bit more without relying on me. And be free to act on things like this and go to places as she please move to a city?

They don't have any commute now because his DW doesn't have a job. It sounds like she would like to have a job, and not live in the arse end of nowhere.

Yes she does. They work at the same place.

OP says in his first post that the their house comes with their job. So presumably his DW is involved somehow with that.

OP and DW live in a house which he describes as coming with their job. So it does sound as though she’s involved in some way or other. Living in the arse end of nowhere may be central to the job description.

OK well the point about not wanting to live in the arse end of nowhere is still a valid one, no?

The OP is married to someone who comes from another country, isn't fully comfortable with life in the UK yet (his post describes her reluctance to drive in the UK when she's happy to drive on the continent, and I expect there are other things), and he's got her living somewhere extremely isolated. He resents picking up "her guests" from the airport and is bitching about the fact that she doesn't stay under the drink driving limit out of "solidarity" with him, but there's no recognition of the fact that she's living abroad and that his friends and family probably don't have to get on a plane to come and visit him. She wants to apply for another job (not in the arse end of nowhere) and his response is that she can't do it because she refuses to drive and he isn't up for moving. It sounds to me like she's living a rather lonely, boring life and he wants everything on his terms.

I was minded to say no, she did not have to, but your post suggests she can actually drive, she has just never gotten a UK driving licence. In which case, yanbu.

How is it valid ? It’s a condition of the job, so what you’re suggesting is that they give up the job and make themselves homeless and dependent on one wage. He hasn’t got her living somewhere isolated - it’s a condition of the job, and that’s probably the reason he isn’t up for moving.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable because you seem to assume it is just laziness but surely it must inconvenience her too, sounds to me like she’s very anxious?

i think you need to have a proper conversation about the driving . Find out what the barrier is. If she really doesnt want to drive can you move elsewhere?

Why make such a stupid comment? Not everyone has a job that means they can "move to a city". If you read the thread it quite clearly states they have a tied in position and the house comes with the job. From reading the little bits OP has posted there is a valid reason for living rurally. Not all jobs are in offices.

Haven't RTFT but a few things that occurred to me...

I've lived in a few countries, including one famous for scary driving. When we visit there with a group, I'm the only one that drives the hire car. Everyone else is too scared. British country roads are much more challenging and skilled than most other driving. Especially in a larger vehicle.

If someone moves from another country, natives always underestimate the level of discomfort, work and emotion involved in small things. In your own country you know how things work, speak the same language as everyone else, it's all very easy. But small, simple tasks in another country feel overwhelming. Every step requires knowledge and research and feeling stupid. Two years to change over a licence sounds about right

Does she come from a culture or country where men typically drive and women don't? She may feel it's your job. If this is compounded by her taking on traditionally female jobs in your home (cooking, cleaning) do you benefit from her culture in one area and want to benefit from your own in another?

The last thing is this. She moved countries. She lives at your job. How much of that was 'for' you? She may have moved and compromised a lot and this is her area where she would like compromise back.

It would be really helpful (and to stop you looking foolish) if you actually read the thread. They both work at the same place. It is a tied position with accommodation. The DW is looking at another job with tied in accommodation. The idea is they would both move to new accommodation and for the husband to then commute back to his current job.