To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

Mn incomprehensible views.
Don't drive = idle,feckless, she will be an isolated widow in penury with no car all own fault
Don’t work= Goddess,Homemaker. How dare you suggest she wrench herself from her domestic homely duties for mere Money

The one bone of contention in my parents otherwise very happy marriage is my mums refusal to learn to drive. She had bad experience with an instructor over and it's put her off. They now live fairly rurally and my dad will probably have to stop droning in the next ten years or so. I understand your frustration OP!

Op said ‘our house as part of our pay’ so presumably DW has some part in this.

Is the job which provided the house yours? If so then she has been put in this situation of living rurally without much choice. When one of you doesn’t drive (maybe she has deep anxiety about it) then living rurally should have been a deal breaker with the job.

Maybe you could be more emotionally supportive instead of just demanding she goes and does stuff she's anxious about. Instead of telling her this and that, get a cheap second hand car and go out with her driving.

Is she used to driving on our side of the road? I can see that would be scary if so, but if she had driving lessons that would really help, particularly if she is a confident driver abroad.

Do you really want to commute an hour each way for work? Isn't the free rent etc part of your salary so that it's less beneficial if you live out?

Why on earth do they ‘now’ live rurally if her non driving has been a long standing issue.

I think I live somewhere like you. When we first moved I didn’t have a licence and it drove my then dh bonkers. I did learn to drive pretty quickly and now can’t imagine not having a car.

I’d get an automatic hire car (splurge for the full insurance) and have her practice. I think once you get back in the drivers seat you get used to it pretty quickly.

Where is she from? Did she drive there?

She needs to learn to drive. But putting your foot down at an interview is a dickish thing to do. She needs to do it when she’s not under even more pressure and stress.

@BunnyLake because they used to live in a suburb, with a bus stop just across the road. Now they live on an estate up a steep hill, and a long walk from the nearest bus stop.

The situation is not sustainable - neither the current situation where you are living rurally and she needs lifts everywhere nor the proposed situation of her taking a new job and either commuting to where you live now or you moving to her new job because in all scenarios you end up having to do an excessive amount of driving every day.

I suspect she might be anxious about driving on the opposite side of the road if you say she drives happily "at home" and in Europe. In which case she needs to have driving lessons in the UK to practise driving on the opposite side of the road and you can change your car for an automatic or you purchase a small automatic for her (you here is meant in the plural sense - ie. both of you have responsibility for it, not you singular). I'm not sure why a small car means she wouldn't be able to do longer distances - I have a small car and I drive all over the place in it.

If she really isn't prepared to drive and won't engage with anything like refresher lessons maybe you might have to consider living somewhere else in a town with public transport and therefore finding different jobs.

But I would actually say I wasn't going to drive her to the interview because if she did get the job the situation, as it currently stands with her not driving, is unsustainable and you are not able to either drive her there every day or live at that location and drive to your current job every day because it is too far.

If she wants a job and the only way is to drive, that will encourage her to make it happen. It is unreasonable to rely on you. I learned to drive to avoid the terrible commute which took an hour and a half (two busses). Now takes 15 mins in the car.

Yanbu.

And the interview is a pointless exercise if she can't get herself to work each day.

I couldn't be doing with that. All very well if you live in London or a big city with good transport but she doesn't. She knows how to drive but is scared to? Ffs, she is going to have to be a grown up if she wants this job, she can't expect you to be a taxi service.

Yes, I thought the exact same thing. Fuck that

given your updates, the non driving feeds into a whole issue about your wife changing jobs and you potentially moving?

This is a big deal. An hour commute on country roads for either of you is not great. The time, the cost, potentially moving location. Is this new job for her significantly better enough paid and a better opportunity to make up for those things? Is there an option for you to get a job at the new estate too?

The non driving is definitely an issue. I do have some sympathy for her as I was an anxious driver and like a previous poster the main thing that worked for me was that i took a job where I had to drive and I had no choice. Within a couple of weeks probably I was completely fine. We also live rurally and although we do only have one family car (probably a similar set up to you in that we have accommodation linked to work and so can walk there if needed and also have access to work vehicles) it would be incredibly draining for our family life if only one of us could drive. We do have kids though so that makes a big difference

Either she's taking the piss here or she is refusing to address some underlying anxiety.

I'd be more concerned about how she's going to get to this workplace if she gets the job. Does she actually expect you to drive her every day that distance to work???

You sound like you'd naturally be the kind of person that would drive her to that interview for the day if she was a bit nervous, but she's pushed you too far already. I would driver her to the interview on the condition that you absolutely won't be driving her to work, and you will no longer be picking up her guests from the airport. They can make their own way to you and she can pay for their taxi.

So she has driven before if she has a licence from another country? If so I'm with you, she needs to drive.

I think you need to have a sit down and talk about this.

Yes - take her to the interview. Stress of driving AND an interview isn't good.

But you need to ask what will happen if she gets the job? If you were to take her and collect her that's 4 hours/day and 2x fuel. Could you manage this and work yourself?

I think she needs the independence of driving herself - some refresher lessons?

May be get a s/h small automatic? or a s/h electric car.

Also - this job is an hour away. That's quite journey even if you do it yourself. Nothing suitable closer?

An alternative perspective here.

If your wife is used to driving in Europe and exchanged a foreign driving licence, presumably that means she is from a European country and has moved to the UK.

I did the same thing in reverse, and despite being a confident driver in the UK, I had a real mental block about driving on the right, and in a country where I didn't know the rules of the road. Although I had a local driving licence (having exchanged my UK one), I sort of felt like I shouldn't have one because I wasn't actually capable of driving.

I was then given a car for work and expected to drive it, so I did a refresher lesson and then just got on the road. It was scary at first but I soon got used to it.

Your wife needs your support. Book her some refresher lessons, take her out in your car, encourage her.

Switching to an automatic won't necessarily help if she's used to driving a manual, but hiring a small car temporarily while she gets used to driving in the UK might do.

And I would drive her to the interview but be clear that she will have to drive herself to work.

She needs to get herself mobile and independent. Refresher driving lessons and lessons for nervous drivers if they do then
Otherwise she'll be expecting you to do 2x 2 hour round trips to take her to and from work

Tagged wrong comment.

Why should he take her to the interview?
She applied for the job. Did she just assume she could demand his time and free labour?

This woman is utilising weaponised
incompetence.
She is not a child or a dmasel in distress

She's a big girl living a big girl life and has a problem she's created. Now she can create the solution.

It sounds completely impractical in this case. They’d end up moving house and OP commuting for an hour as well as all the other driving. He must do nothing to facilitate this!!!!