To refuse to drive DW to an interview

[QuaintSquid]

This issue is currently sort of hypothetical but it has caused a bit of an argument already so I just want to know how people would proceed if this actually happened.

For context, my wife's unwillingness to drive is a major bugbear of mine. Honestly, for me it continues to be one of the biggest challenges in our relationship.

We live very rurally and you have to drive to do anything. Our house is provided as part of our pay, so moving to a better connected place isn't an option without changing jobs. My wife never shows much appreciation for the fact that I am the sole driver. It's an hour round trip for me if she needs to return a parcel at the post office. She's had me take leave to drive to pick her guests up from the airport and I can only ever have one beer because I'm obviously the designated driver, but she'll happily see off three or four with no solidarity to me whatsoever. You get the impression. It grates on me a lot.

I have been campaigning for her to start to drive for nearly three years as I find her lack of independence quite suffocating. She first needed to exchange her foreign licence to a UK one, and this took her over two years to actually organise.

Now she needs to get a car. She can't drive mine because it's manual. I've offered to part exchange my car for an equivalent automatic as it makes most sense finally for us to share a car for now, but she says shes scared of a car ‘that powerful’ (it's a 1.8l hatchback, hardly massive). She's only briefly looked at micras and minis. This would sort of solve some of my issues, but obviously any long drives or big errands would automatically fall on me again and we can't split the driving.

This has come to a head this week because she wants to apply for a new job an hour away from us. I asked how she was planning on getting there, and she told me she was hoping I'd drive her to it if she got an interview. She got upset when I suggested she could hire a car because she's not driven in England before and she'd be scared of driving alone the first time.

But frankly I've had enough. She's happily inconvenienced me for years now despite me pleading with her to sort this out. I feel like there needs to be something that finally makes her realise how important driving is and give her the push to actaully do something about it. Taking her to this interview would surely just further enables her putting it off?

YABU - yes your wife needs to get a car and start driving but an interview isn't the right issue to put your foot down on

YANBU - don't drive her. If changing jobs and going to interviews means enough to her, she'll prioritise sorting a car out

I'm 33 and cannot drive. But have just applied my for provisional as I know I need to learn being a mum. I never and my husbands for lifts though and get buses everywhere. Some of us are just really anxious. My mum told me I was too dolitzy to drive when I was younger. My parents never encouraged me to drive or took an interest in what I did after school so I never learnt. Because I am older now I have got more nervous. There are many reasons why an adult may not drive.

You're definitely not being unreasonable. The fact she's willing to drive in Europe proves this.

You need to get to the bottom of what the real reason is. I heard some good advice for discussing thorny topics which is framing questions with a "what" rather than a "why" which I wonder might help. So rather than "why won't you drive?" which might put her on the defensive, try "what is it that's stopping you from driving", "what is it exactly that scares you" - could be worth a go? Let her know it's causing you to resent her a bit and you don't want to feel that way - she might not fully understand where your frustration is coming from.

Good luck!

One thing I wanted to add about a small car. I feel much much safer in a bigger car. Bigger doesn’t equate to power and a small mini is no slower or less powerful than say a Kia Sportage.

We had a little fiat 500 and a large SUV. When I drove the Fiat i significantly noticed how other road users behaved as opposed to when I was in the bigger car. Lots of people pulling out in front of me etc. I think people see a smaller car, assume it’s slower and take bigger risks. I would be much happier in a bigger car than a smaller one. Also a newer car has much better technology for assisting the driver (auto high beam, lane assist, rear camera, sensors etc).

Have you had a calm open conversation about how you feel. How her lack of driving and lack of impetus is really having a negative effect on your relationship.

Tell her you will do everything in your power to support her back to driving but the current set up is not sustainable

The car is certainly king in this country. However, consider the fact your wife may be anxious about driving after such a long time and in a different country. Perhaps chat and book refresher lessons with a sympathetic driving instructor. Get a smaller car. I do have sympathy for your wife. It's most likely not 'bone idleness' as someone suggested but anxiety and fear.

I agree, it's just a means of transport.

Get her a block of lessons for Christmas and tell her that in the new year you’ll be taking her to test drives on automatic vehicles and that the time has come for her to get herself around

this has gone on long enough and her expectations that YOU make the move to suit her and then YOU carry on with commuting is stupid!

Be positive about the interview as she must be intending to drive if / when she gets this job, or another that requires driving. She is looking to spread her wings - good. Encourage it, help her get to the interview, help her sort out a car and some refresher lessons and use it as a lever to get to where you both want to be, not as a pointless grudge barrier

I would definitely book her in for lessons with a driving instructor who specialise in nervous driving. It sounds that this is a confidence issue. I am hoping it's that because otherwise she's bone idle which is worse

It's fine for her not to drive, but it shouldn't mean you become a taxi service.
My DH doesn't drive, he never learned and that doesn't bother me - he never asks for lifts, he plans how he's going to get places if I'm not going, and thanks me for any lift I offer. He never expects me to get him places, which makes all the difference.

She needs to take some refresher lessons and get a car that fits her requirements if she doesn't want to drive a bigger engine. Ultimately, she needs so show willing and take some proactive steps.

There's always nuance isn't there and it's hard to include every detail... I fear I've been taken very literally in saying I wouldn't take her to this interview, it's hypothetical at this stage and our non standard living set up has complicated it a lot. i was merely trying to highlight how essential driving is to our day to day lives.

I also wouldn't force her to hire a car and have her maiden voyage as an hour of country road driving for something as stressful as an interview! I'm not a monster I promise. As someone said previously, shes skipped a few steps in that she's looking for new jobs without any way of getting to them.

I love her very much and honestly I just want her to have independence so she can live a bit more without relying on me. And be free to act on things like this and go to places as she pleases. The interview scenario was more of an example of that I don't know what will motivate her to sort this out for herself. A sort of leading a horse to water situation.

I want her to want to drive. As people have pointed out, if I died she be in deep trouble! She needs to do this for her security but nothing seems to make her want to do it and until things are made sufficiently inconvenient for her it seems like they never will.

I would fully support her if she put in a bit of the legwork

I think my frustration with the situation has maybe clouded my sympathy a bit
and really we need to address the root cause of why shes been putting this off for so long...if it's fear of the road layouts and confidence then I agree refresher lessons sound like a great idea! If it's just idleness... We'll then thats another problem eh. if it’s “just idleness”, then it’s tied up with a lack of care for you, her life partner, and the problems with your marriage go far deeper than “who is the designated driver?”

If your marriage is otherwise ok, it won’t be “just idleness”.

As someone who used to be a very anxious driver, I would say that being forced to drive to work every day really sorted me out. I respond very well to exposure therapy (so the more I do something that makes me anxious, the easier it becomes). We moved, I had to work and therefore had to drive. We bought a tiny car that was just mine. It really boosted my confidence as it was small, fitted easy in spaces, easy to drive around town etc.

On that basis, I'd buy her a tiny car, get refresher lessons, help her prep for the interview (take her) and pray she gets it. It could be the making of her.

Definitely not unreasonable. She can do refresher lessons with an instructor to feel more at ease. It's possible to get a little cheap 1l car for her if she didn't want to share with you.
There's no reason why this can't be used for long distance either. I had a tiny 1l car that I didn't only drive from here to and through Europe, but also on a 1 hour commute for years.
Yes it's more comfortable in a bigger, more powerful car, but if that scares her, there's no reason not to start with a little one first to build up her confidence.

I get some people are very anxious, however that anxiety is for her to sort and find a way to deal with, whether that is by driving with you as the passenger to gain confidence or with an instructor. Or by starting with short journeys etc.
People making their anxiety a problem for someone else to sort or work around aren't really taking responsibility for their own life and happiness. Within limits sure, you can show understanding and not expect her to change overnight, but there needs to be some willingness to work on it from her side too.

But as previous pp have said, literally anyone can learn how to drive, so it's not reasonable imo to just completely refuse and fully rely on you for any driving when she is a grown adult.
As has been said, if she's looking for a job with a commute then surely she must be considering that she will have to get herself to and from? If not she is taking the mick.
Maybe she would prefer to live in an area with public transport like others have said, but that's simply not an option.
Are you the only breadwinner at the moment or does she wfh? If so, you can't just quit to move and give up the housing obviously.

Does she never leave the house without you as it stands?

It may be that while you tend to go everywhere together, she doesn't see the urgency. If you had kids that needed hauling around that'd be one thing. I don't find driving a hassle, tiring or whatever and am not a big drinker, so were it just my husband and I it wouldn't be an issue for me being the only driver.

As we have kids that require carting around it would be more of a hassle as we often need to have them in different places at different times so only having one driver or car would limit the family hugely. Likewise being the only one that has to go out of an evening to pick up/drop off.

But with just 2 working adults in the house, only one of us being able to drive would by no means be an issue, or indicate 'idleness' on the part of the non-driver to me personally, as I don't find driving hard work.

However, consider the fact your wife may be anxious about driving after such a long time and in a different country. And possibly on the “wrong” side of the road.

I think the interview is only the start of the matter as I don’t think I’d be happy moving near someone else’s workplace and having to do an hour commute because they can drive but won’t. I would feel different if she couldn’t drive at all and had to take lessons as it can take a long time to pass as an anxious adult driver

Not driving and the pressure of not doing so, can really cause a deep-rooted anxiety.
I lost my licence for a year due to psychotic episodes. I’m due to get it back soon and I cannot tell you how anxious I am about driving again and that’s only after a year.
So I feel real sympathy for her as I don’t think she is “selfish”, just terrified. Refresher lessons are a really good idea, as is getting an automatic car.
Tread gently with her.

I respond very well to exposure therapy (so the more I do something that makes me anxious, the easier it becomes). Not everyone does

I would also add that on longer journeys my husband 'forced' me to drive some of it. Even if that was only between two service stations in the middle of a longer drive. Even doing that every time, helped. Sometimes he wouldn't feel well and so he would say which half was I driving (always first half so I didn't vomit in the car with anxiety). But he would simply say, where are we swapping the driving (not are we or did I want to)? The expectation was that I had a driving licence and would therefore share the driving in some capacity. He was sympathetic to my capacity but there was an expectation that I would do some part.

The illness was a precursor to him actually becoming so unwell he couldn't drive. I was so grateful he 'forced' me to share the driving all those years ago as I'm now driving around in a large family car without any anxiety.

How rural are you that it takes 45 mins to get to the post office to return a parcel? Are you tied to the house? Can you rent your own place?

I think it's weird to live so rurally if one person can't drive. It sounds like she's anxious as she's not driven on uk roads before. Perhaps getting a job will be the driving force (excuse the pun) to get her to have some refresher lessons as you can't drive her to work and back every day.

I would buy a motorbike for yourself and let her piss off from now on. She’s a user.

Indeed, that's why I started with 'I respond'....

But many people do respond well to exposure therapy and it's certainly been life changing for me around my driving anxiety (from paralysing anxiety to none, over about 10 years).

Yeah I do wonder whether forcing the issue might help - so if the interview has gone ok and she isn't upset, you drive most of the way back but stop and try and get her to do say the last mile or an even shorter distance (or if rural roads scare her somewhere mid way). But only if her abroad driving has been on a manual and she's safe and competent. The idea being she hasn't been thinking about it because of the interview and so hasn't had time to stress over it and build into some massive thing.

Obviously that might be an awful idea - it's for the OP to figure out. I think he needs to have the conversation first about exactly what her fears are.

You are right, my ex husband didn't drive and it was a rank issue. I had to do everything, all food shops, all nights out, holidays, visits to families and errands.
He still doesn't drive and sits waiting for daughters to visit him which they do occasionally as he does no effort the other way because he can't