To think this was crappy parenting?

[Liesmorelies]

This irritated me at the time and is playing on my mind now...

I took ds (5) to the park earlier with his younger brother. When we got to the play area it was empty apart from a girl around the same age as ds whose parents (presumably) were sitting on benches outside the play area, able to see her but not to hear anything unless it was shouting.

As soon as the dc and I entered the girl made a beeline for us, not surprisingly. She did the usual 5 year old thing of talking 'at' me, which was obviously fine. She was telling me about her school, her teacher etc etc. The problem was, ds kept trying to engage with her and was responding with details about his school and so on. Ds is a talker anyway and needs persuading to stop chewing my ear off and go on the slide! However, the girl was totally blanking ds and kept directing all her comments to me. I was replying but also trying to involve ds? 'That sounds good, ds likes that book too ....' only because he wanted to join in. The girl was resolutely ignoring him.

It went on like that for a little while and then suddenly ds just started howling and buried his face in my skirt, like a child in a story. He's not a big crier at all and has never done the burying his face thing before. I was completely taken aback. Of course we left, and as we crossed the playground, I saw the girl's adults staring at us and shaking their heads and as we passed them one of them said, 'oh dear.' I was pretty pissed off at that point. Their child was bored and lonely and needed some adult interaction and they were just sat there and then said 'oh dear' about my child! So I said, not particularly loudly, 'you might want to try interacting with your child...' No idea if they heard me though.

AIBU to think that their parenting was pretty shit?

Personally if my son was talking to an adult for a few minutes I would go over because I’m nosey and would want to know what they’re talking about. Also mixed in with the fact I’m slightly cautious/distrusting of strangers so would also want to assess whether they seemed like a safe and nice person for my son to talk to.
He’s only 2 tho so maybe that’ll change with time.

I think I would have channelled my inner Mary Poppins, interrupted the little girl and started leading both of them in a game of some sort. You needed to break the chat, distract her and get them both to play on the slide or something.

I don't tend to be one of the 'maybe they had a [insert unlikely thing]' brigade, but maybe the adults needed a few minutes w/o a child around to talk about something. Maybe there are problems (which might explain the child latching on to you). Either way it doesn't matter - she was there and since you knew she hadn't actually been abandoned you had quite a lot of options of how to handle it.

For year's I've taken my kids to parks which are empty and just sat there and watched them play. As they got older I didn't need to follow them round but I watched them every second, as they got older still I could take my eyes off them for a bit and just keep checking in.

It is different because they have each other so I'm not really required. If either of them started talking to someone I would keep my eye on them but I wouldn't intervene.

It's good for kids to play independently, be a bit bored, talk to someone new and realise you aren't there to entertain them 24/7 especially aged 5.

Some kids are naturally curious and sociable so they will strike up a conversation with someone new. They could be happily playing but something more interesting turns up, it's not that they are being neglected.

I'm not a sociable person, never have been even as an only child and neither are my kids, they have their friends and each other and it would never occur to them to strike up a conversation with an adult but not everyone is like us and some people actually like new people.

Sometimes parents just need a break from the whirlwind that is children and that's why we take them to the park/soft play so that they leave us alone for a bit!

The child in the park did nothing wrong. She wanted to talk to you, an adult, and not your son. You engaged with the child and you both had a conversation going. She had no interest in what your son had to say and that’s ok. She wasn’t mean to him, she was talking to you and telling you about herself.
Your son’s reaction was very dramatic, I understand kids cry but burying himself in your skirt and having to peel him off your leg and leave because some kid spoke to his mother is bizarre.
The parents did absolutely nothing wrong either.

You got the arse because the little girl didn’t want to engage with your son. Honestly, you need to lighten up. And why on earth did you leave the park. Your son is going to get knock-backs throughout his life and you need to teach him coping mechanisms.

This post is a little odd. You didn't have to continue talking to the child - my friends daughter does this talking at adults I've seen plenty people smile answer once or twice then move away/ignore.
The parents seemed like they were being sympathetic and your actions seem a little over the top leaving because your child cried then muttering a passive aggressive remark. I would focus more on helping younger one and letting older child play a bit more independently.

There is a world of difference between allowing a child to get bored now and again and not making yourself a play leader 24/7, and just dumping them in an empty playground and expecting them to 'play' while congratulating yourself on their independence.

Well this is exactly what I used to do! Dump them in a playground and expect them to play without input from me! If they came over whining they were bored, I'd say "OK let's go home then!"

Funnily enough they'd suddenly not be bored!

And I am congratulating myself how independent they are. One travelled the world alone at 19 and the other doing 6 months placement abroad. Both are very popular, healthy and well balanced kids.

There was no helicopter parenting in our home.

Many kids that age don't know about etiquette and involving others in conversations. It's not her fault nor bad parenting.

Eh? Why didn't you just stop talking to her and go off and play with ds?

Plus why was he so upset? Odd reaction.

I don't get how you can criticise this child's social skills and not your child's. One child didn't include everyone in the conversation and wanted to interact with you alone, the order threw a tantrum due to not being included. Most 5 year olds don't have the level of empathy to understand their actions lead to someone feeling left out, but most would have enough social skills and self regulation to not start howling.

As the adult it's on you to handle the situation. Yes kids can be annoying in situations like this but they are easily dealt with and they need to be told clearly what to do, they can't be expected to pick up on subtle social cues. You dont have to be rude to a child but its ok to make it clear you dont want them hanging around. Phrases like: 'Tom is here to play, why don't you play with him. I'm having quiet time over there on the bench.' Or 'it's play time now not talking time'. Or 'if you want to talk go talk to your Mum over there, I'm talking to Tom now'. Or 'its been nice talking to you but I'm finished talking now. Bye'. Or 'This is Tom he would like to play with you, why don't you go to the slide together' etc.

We’re working on our DC being more independent and if they’re bored, figuring it out themselves. I probably would intervene if it looked like they were irritating another parent… but honestly your son also didn’t have the social skills to understand she didn’t want to play with him… and you didn’t have the parenting ability to politely and firmly say, I’m here to play with my child, I can’t chat anymore and send her on her way soooo…

Your way looks sounds like the engaged way in the short term, but in the long term, we need to teach our kids to be resilient and independent and that includes handling when another adult sends them on their way, as you should have for that child.

Eh its called independent play, loads of books in it maybe look into it since you had a child clinging to you?

If my dc was being blanked and left out I'd have started talking directly to them so they weren't left out, or got up and offered to push them on the swing or something to stop then being blanked. I wouldn't let the other kid direct things.

I'm struggling to see what the other parents did wrong here?

It sounds like the situation upset you, and you're misdirecting your sadness/frustration towards them.

Leaving the park because your son had a melt down because he felt like he was being ignored was a big over reaction. She was just a 5 year old child . Such big drama!!

It's a bit ironic that you're criticising the other parents for not paying attention to their child but it's your child who got upset because of.. you not paying attention to him.

What I would have done in your position is say "it's been lovely to chat to you but I am here to play with my kids - DS, what shall we do?" And fine if she joined us but I wouldn't just keep chatting to someone else's child

It's a bit ironic that you're criticising the other parents for not paying attention to their child but it's your child who got upset because of.. you not paying attention to him.

As I keep saying, he didn't want my attention. He was upset that she kept ignoring his attempts to engage with her. I would have been happy for them to go off and play together and I would have focused on ds2, and that was what ds1 wanted too and is what often happens when we are in parks.

I agree with the second paragraph and that's what I'll do if it happens again, but I do still think that parents should keep a closer eye and ear on what is going on when their kids are in playgrounds etc. There is a middle ground between helicoptering around them (which I actually don't do) and plonking yourself down on a bench and resolutely deciding you're not budging until home time, which it seems to me is what a lot of people here are advocating.

But you left before they did so you've no idea if/how they interacted with him over the whole visit.

Don’t you wonder why a lot of people are advocating that? Because that’s what most parents do in the playground. Not follow them around the whole time.

Yes a 2 year old you need to make sure they’re safe. But you can watch a 5 year old from a distance.

He needs to learn that if someone doesn’t want to engage with him that’s fine. It was a problem because you were there, hovering around . And you allowed it to continue.

@Delatron You're not reading what I'm writing - that is what I do (watch from a distance while monitoring ds2). Ds has no problems normally making playmates in parks and I have no issues in letting him get on with it. It was showing no sign of happening in this case. Fair enough, I was so taken aback by his extreme reaction that we left rather then me trying another tactic , but I strongly feel that the girl was going to keep up her attempts to engage me and would have followed me around whatever I had done. It's a small playground (in a large park) and there was no one else there, so not much to distract her, which is partly why I'm so sure she was bored before we arrived. I think I would have had to get pretty tough with her and I don't go to the playground to have uncomfortable interactions with other people's kids while they sit there blissfully unaware.

If you normally watch from a distance why are you cross with them for doing exactly that and say it’s crap parenting?

It may have been hard to shake the girl. (I’d have tried though). You could have left your DS5 with her and wandered off and popped your younger one on the swing and been busy with him.

Either way, they weren’t crap parents and it’s a unusual reaction from your son.

I agree. You sound massively judgemental. You were irritated at the young girl for not including your child (she’s 5 or around that- it wasn’t personal but you took it as a slight against him) also saying you obviously left - why did you have to go? She didn’t hit him or shout at him. Why didn’t you tell her you and your son were off to play on the equipment and distract him? He’d have likely been over it very soon.

Also them shaking their heads and saying oh dear is a typical reaction to when a child is upset or hurts themselves and is something I’ve done countless times myself to parents I don’t know but want to express sympathy for their child’s upset - stop taking things so personally, you assumed they were attacking your child 🙄 you are way too defensive and lashing out at ppl, accusing them of shit parenting bc it angered you to see your child upset and you over reacted.

Maybe you felt guilty bc you thought you should have halted the girl earlier and avoided your son getting upset in the first place, but it’s not her fault, she’s a small child, and her parents were keeping an eye on her and probably assumed you were happy to talk with her, as most parents would be. You seem to be pretty aggressive when it comes to your child, this will not endear you to other parents at school.

I have this at soft play sometime when I’m just trying to play with my child but someone’s else’s child is dominating my time and attention because their parents cba. I know it’s awful but I’ve now taken to just ignoring them.

It's because my son was so upset in a way that was so unusual for him that I knew that he would not shake it off if I had just stayed and tried to get him to play with her.

You seem to be pretty aggressive when it comes to your child, this will not endear you to other parents at school. This is a very bizarre comment. I was the opposite of aggressive and very nice to the girl, probably too nice judging from comments on here. I did make the comment but, as I said, I have no idea whether they heard - they were not right next to us, I didn't say it loudly and ds was crying. I'm not confrontational, which is probably part of the problem, but I get on fine with the parents at school and am definitely not aggressive!

So at this point you're still convinced they are crap parents?