To think this was crappy parenting?

[Liesmorelies]

This irritated me at the time and is playing on my mind now...

I took ds (5) to the park earlier with his younger brother. When we got to the play area it was empty apart from a girl around the same age as ds whose parents (presumably) were sitting on benches outside the play area, able to see her but not to hear anything unless it was shouting.

As soon as the dc and I entered the girl made a beeline for us, not surprisingly. She did the usual 5 year old thing of talking 'at' me, which was obviously fine. She was telling me about her school, her teacher etc etc. The problem was, ds kept trying to engage with her and was responding with details about his school and so on. Ds is a talker anyway and needs persuading to stop chewing my ear off and go on the slide! However, the girl was totally blanking ds and kept directing all her comments to me. I was replying but also trying to involve ds? 'That sounds good, ds likes that book too ....' only because he wanted to join in. The girl was resolutely ignoring him.

It went on like that for a little while and then suddenly ds just started howling and buried his face in my skirt, like a child in a story. He's not a big crier at all and has never done the burying his face thing before. I was completely taken aback. Of course we left, and as we crossed the playground, I saw the girl's adults staring at us and shaking their heads and as we passed them one of them said, 'oh dear.' I was pretty pissed off at that point. Their child was bored and lonely and needed some adult interaction and they were just sat there and then said 'oh dear' about my child! So I said, not particularly loudly, 'you might want to try interacting with your child...' No idea if they heard me though.

AIBU to think that their parenting was pretty shit?

This is nicer than my direct approach haha!

Oh dear. Letting your kids play with other kids without constantly hovering is good parenting.

To be honest I might try a more direct approach next time.

I honestly don't get why you wouldn't do this?

He's there to play and there was another child to play with, he doesn't need you micromanaging his play at his age.

I do let him play, as I've said. But they weren't playing! I do have ds2 as well who climbs on stuff meant for far older children if left so I can't sit on a bench at this point.

They weren't playing because you were engaging her in conversation.

Tell them to go play and focus on your younger child?

'off you go, lets see who can get highest on the swings' Then sit on your arse and think thank god they found a friend.

I find things like this tricky as it isn’t in my instinct to be too blunt and I don’t want to upset a child meaning no harm, which means I’ve been landed with kids I don’t want at soft play and the like and it can take time away from your own child so I sympathise. But I think that’s on you / us, not the other parents.

It sounds like you felt sorry for the girl & let her chat to you but there was no need. She would have been fine being told to play - most kids are!!

That's uncalled for. Why insult a 5 year old? I agree OP should have sent both children off to play but no need to judge her so severely and certainly no need to judge a 5 year old for crying fgs.

I think you are overthinking this big time and being really quite precious. Firstly the girl’s behavior was pretty normal: masses of kids prefer talking to adults. There is no indication that it was the trigger for your son crying.

Secondly you over egged it by taking your son off. He needs to learn that not everyone will be his friend: that is part of life. You can’t extract him from difficult social situations forever.

Thirdly it sounds like the girl’s parents were being kind rather than expressing judgement.

Its all a bit melodramatic and over sensitive and probably not helping your son.

Cool. But they didn't have a younger child who climbs dangerously, so they didn't need to be hovering around.

It's fine for children to be bored. Parents are not court jesters. We are allowed to "sit on our arse" and have a short break while our children are close by in a play area. What you are describing is very normal and not lazy parenting. You just didn't manage to handle a run of the mill situation particularly well. That's not a huge problem; we all have moments of being overwhelmed. But you don't get to take that out on other people. You were lucky they didn't respond to your rudeness.

Maybe her parents always play with her and give her focused attention 24/7 and they were trying to let her have a chance to play independently.

You don’t know anything about their parenting or circumstances so this comes across as judgey.

Ive left all my kids to play independently in the park from about the age of 3/4 as it forces them to learn to play with other kids or independently and means I can read a book in peace for once before the madness and chaos resumes at home. I don’t judge parents who follow their kids around the park - we’re all different and have different energy and tolerance levels as well as parenting priorities. Perhaps best not to cast judgment either.

I sometimes found this difficult. I would deliberately try to leave some distance but more involved parents would draw attention and make it harder to get my children to play independently. I wouldn’t leave them to annoy someone but I also don’t want to helicopter simply because someone else is.

Works both ways . No need for the op to judge the other parents so severely because they weren’t helicoptering . She also muttered an insult to them . Very harsh .

Why are you placing the blame of DS getting upset on this girl's parents? He was upset at being blanked. You saw what was happening. Why did you allow it to go on?

At any point you could have said "lovely to meet you but DS and I are going to go and play on the slide now" and she either could have followed or left you but your attention would have been on your son.

If you couldn't predict that your son would get upset, how do you expect the parents of the 5 year old to?

This. The situation could have been managed better by the OP.

Yeah... Sorry OP, I think you were the ineffective parent on this occasion.

I think you need to be more assertive on behalf of your son. You were right there. The other child was only 5 and was chatting, not doing something awful. You should have been able to manage the situation.

Be less interested in the child and talk to your son yourself. Tell the girl to let your son have a turn to speak. Suggest they play together. Tell the girl to go and play, you need to do something with your son.

When your son got upset you didn't need to leave.

It does seem rather over dramatic

Thank you! I can't believe people aren't getting this.

Sorry I agree with the other, tell the kids to go and play with each other. Or go off and play with your kids and only pay the girl the bare minimum of attention. I don’t think you handled this brilliantly and I think the other parents were doing nothing wrong. I’m a helicopter parent I admit it but that’s just because I’m anxious, I know it would actually be better for my DC if I gave them a bit of space. Also it’s good for a child to get bored!

@Merrymess but they weren't playing, the girl was only interested in talking to the op, a grown up and was totally blanking the other child.

I cannot believe the amount of people saying op should have been responsible for managing this girl while her actual parents literally just sat there doing feck all.

I always try to encourage independent play and I don’t hover over my 6 and 3yos in parks. I think it’s important for children to have time away from adults, especially during outside free play. Some people probably think that’s crappy parenting and that I just can’t be arsed but actually intentionally raising them to be able to do that has taken more effort than if I followed them round playgrounds repeating ‘be careful’ as I see many parents doing. There’s nothing better than seeing kids who’ve never met before, play in a group together - it’s such an important social skill to develop. And it doesn’t happen with adults hanging around.

I’m not lazy, I just want my children to turn into a certain type of adult, and this is one of the ways I hope to do that.

And don’t even get me started on the adults who lug themselves around soft play, ruining it for kids who have the ability to play in a group of their peers.

If you didn’t like the girl talking to you you should have moved away. I’m sorry it spoiled your park time.

Yes their parenting was shit. When my kids were 5 I would have stayed with them inside the park. Is that not normal?

I honestly don't know how I would have rectified the situation - I have honestly never seen ds so upset so suddenly. Never had to peel him off my legs before. If he was given to outbursts like that I suppose I would find ways of dealing with them but I'm not.

But this is a your son (and you) problem, not the other parents. Who cares if they were having a sit down whilst their child played in a playground, it’s hardly a parenting faux pas. And yes, maybe their child was annoying but 5 year olds often are.

Your son getting more upset than he ever has in his life because another child was talking to you is the weird bit here!!