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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think men shouldn't be midwives

1000 replies

igglepiggle599 · 29/11/2024 19:37

Just saying, I have nothing against the male midwives themselves. I'm sure they're amazing at what they do and are lovely, kind, caring people. They themselves are not actually the issue I have.

I think many women are uncomfortable with the idea of a male midwife for any number of reasons, and there's a good chance that any given woman will automatically feel uncomfortable when a male midwife walks in. I also find it very disingenuous when people say that they can simply request another midwife. I'm sure that's often true (though maternity units presumable don't have an infinite supply of midwives at any given time, so there's at least a hypothetical scenario in which this wouldn't be possible?). I don't think it's fair that women should be put in a situation where they have to speak up and say that they want a different midwife, particularly when they are extremely vulnerable and possibly in excruciating pain. I'm not a particularly shy or passive person, but I would find that conversation very difficult even when not in labour. I might panic in the moment and wonder whether that amounted to some kind of breach of equality laws, or I might be in such a state that I just didn't want to risk any kind of conflict. Ultimately I would end up with a birth that may well be smooth from a medical point of view but somewhat tainted emotionally, as I would know that an aspect of the situation made me uncomfortable and I hadn't felt able to say anything.

Also, is midwifery even the kind of profession that would actually benefit from gender diversity given that women are the ones who give birth? I'm sure these very talented, compassionate men would be just as valued in a different branch of nursing. Obviously there are male doctors who can end up delivering a baby, but somehow it feels different for men to train in a role that is so intimate.

Very much open to different perspectives.

OP posts:
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itsgettingweird · 29/11/2024 20:23

I had a male gynae and male midwife when I had ds.

Couldn't have asked for better care.

And when I was suffering adenomyosis the female GPs weren't sympathetic at all.

It was a young male locum who said "you can't live like this - it's no life" and set the ball rolling for referral that got me my hysterectomy.

I can understand why some woman would feel uncomfortable - I'm a victim of SA myself.

So I think as long as right to choose is respected if a woman is happy with their male doctors it isn't a problem.

spoonfulofsugar1 · 29/11/2024 20:23

Scottishgirl85 · 29/11/2024 20:16

But most of the consultants and surgeons are male. If you're making use of a free service, you get what you're given imo!

Rubbish. By that extension we should we put up with any old crap medical treatment because we are paying for it. But we don't..
And fyi the NHS isn't free for anyone paying tax in the UK

Robinredd · 29/11/2024 20:24

igglepiggle599 · 29/11/2024 19:46

No, because women who are anxious having intimate procedures performed by men (often for entirely understandable reasons) don't tend to also be anxious around women who aren't mothers.

What about gynecologists? As far as I know most are men?

ThatTealViewer · 29/11/2024 20:24

igglepiggle599 · 29/11/2024 20:22

How do you know that? How do I know that?

How do I feel comfortable with that lack of knowledge?

How do you know the women aren’t looking at you sexually? How do you feel comfortable with that?

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 29/11/2024 20:24

I agree with you.

I'm a midwife and I think it's a woman's job. I don't think men are well suited for what the position calls for.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 29/11/2024 20:24

igglepiggle599 · 29/11/2024 20:22

How do you know that? How do I know that?

How do I feel comfortable with that lack of knowledge?

Piss off. You know what you're doing.

Lookingatthesunset · 29/11/2024 20:24

igglepiggle599 · 29/11/2024 19:56

I also had a child delivered by a male doctor. It was an emergency and there was a medical need - I was fine with it.

Midwifery is traditionally an exclusively feminine profession for a reason. I think there's a difference between a male doctor/nurse performing an emergency or less intimate role and a male midwife being constantly present and performing intimate procedures at a time when the woman may feel less able to protest.

That's really sexist and narrow-minded!!

StormingNorman · 29/11/2024 20:24

Dobest · 29/11/2024 20:16

Do you suppose that male midwives train for years to satisfy an extremely niche fetish for labouring fannies? Come on now.

I know I'm on a hiding to nothing here, but niche fetishists will go to endless trouble.

So can gay men be midwives? They have no sexual interest in our ‘bits’.

itsgettingweird · 29/11/2024 20:24

And it was my male gynae who delivered my ds by EmSC.

FoxtonFoxton · 29/11/2024 20:25

I wouldn't mind at all, but my sister felt extremely uncomfortable (for personal reasons) when allocated a male midwife during labour and asked politely for a women if possible. Male midwife slammed her folder down on the room table and stormed off outraged and fuming. I totally understand how he would be upset being fully capable of doing the job in question, but surely someone must have pointed out to him that not all women are comfortable with male doctors/midwives and that he occasionally may be asked to step back? I don't feel she should have to fully explain her reasons behind asking, but they are absolutely understandable.

JackieQueen · 29/11/2024 20:25

mymumwouldntapprove · 29/11/2024 20:12

I think it would be reasonable to have a marker in the notes saying no male care.

I have spoken only this week in the course of my work with a woman who was extremely distressed at having received an appointment letter asking her to attend a gynaecologist appointment involving a transvaginal ultrasound, giving the name of a male consultant. She was a domestic abuse survivor and the victim of brutal rape. She didn’t want a man, any man, anywhere near her, but she didn’t feel she could refuse given the nature of the tests and the state of the NHS.

I also had a bad experience with a male consultant who appeared in the minutes after my DC was rushed away to emergency care straight after birth. I was alone in the room, having just watched them resuscitate my newborn baby, covered in blood, all the staff had disappeared and my husband had gone with the baby. I won’t write here what he did but I don’t want a male midwife anywhere near me ever again. And I don’t want to be made to feel bad for that.

So sorry you went through such a horrible experience at such a vulnerable time💐

BadSkiingMum · 29/11/2024 20:25

If you’d asked me ten years ago, I’d have said something along the lines of tolerance and equal opportunities. Unfortunately, I am far more sceptical these days and aware that the prevalence of deviant sexual behaviours is probably far higher than most women would like to believe.

I had a male midwife wander briefly into my room during the early stages of labour in a birthing centre. But, reflecting on it, even that interaction was slightly off beam. He said from the doorway in a big dramatic voice: ‘Aww, poor you, don’t you look sweet’. At that point my baby was back-to-back and labour wasn’t progressing; I needed skilled care, not comments on my ‘sweetness’. Thankfully I was transferred shortly afterwards, but it was a bit peculiar.

igglepiggle599 · 29/11/2024 20:25

ThatTealViewer · 29/11/2024 20:24

How do you know the women aren’t looking at you sexually? How do you feel comfortable with that?

Because men are much more likely (statistically speaking) to do so than are women, and most traumatic sexual experiences that would make a woman anxious are perpetrated by men.

OP posts:
Lookingatthesunset · 29/11/2024 20:26

DryIce · 29/11/2024 19:57

I think women should absolutely be able to choose if they have strong feelings about it.

I personally wouldn't care if my midwife was male or female, and presumably I am not the only woman who feels that way, so they shouldn't be banned from the profession entirely

They shouldn't be "banned" at all! That's just ludicrous!

ilovesooty · 29/11/2024 20:26

spoonfulofsugar1 · 29/11/2024 20:20

Yes because when you are at your most vulnerable, you care about your own safety and comfort rather than towing the politically correct line.

Suggesting that men who train to be midwives have perverted motives has no relevance to your so called politically correct line.

Daschund · 29/11/2024 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I hope you're hairy handed, if not you need help.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/11/2024 20:27

IDontHateRainbows · 29/11/2024 20:21

What next, males shouldn't be allowed to be nursery workers as they will have to change young females' nappies?

Some people believe that too. I’ve seen more than one post about it.

ilovesooty · 29/11/2024 20:27

IDontHateRainbows · 29/11/2024 20:21

What next, males shouldn't be allowed to be nursery workers as they will have to change young females' nappies?

We've had threads on that...

StormingNorman · 29/11/2024 20:27

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 29/11/2024 20:24

I agree with you.

I'm a midwife and I think it's a woman's job. I don't think men are well suited for what the position calls for.

Despite all the PP saying they’ve had excellent care from male midwives?

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 29/11/2024 20:28

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/11/2024 20:27

Some people believe that too. I’ve seen more than one post about it.

How fucking dare you.

oakleaffy · 29/11/2024 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is bizarre, ''nonsense'' thinking.

The mere name ''MidWIFE'' is the reason you object?

CatalinaLoo · 29/11/2024 20:28

Would you say this about an obstetrician? The obstetricians for both my deliveries were male. They were two of the best in the country. Their gender was irrelevant. My pregnancies and deliveries were complicated but amazing, calm experiences and my babies were in the safest hands.

Sugargliderwombat · 29/11/2024 20:28

igglepiggle599 · 29/11/2024 20:25

Because men are much more likely (statistically speaking) to do so than are women, and most traumatic sexual experiences that would make a woman anxious are perpetrated by men.

I mean the PP was a bit silly to argue this. Theres literally an abundance of pregnancy porn online and it's not women making it / watching it.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 29/11/2024 20:29

@StormingNorman

Obviously I'm generalizing. There are a few men who seem to be doing a good job, but I think 99% of men would not be right for it.

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