To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

I don't get those saying OP should talk to her bully and understand why she did what she did.

She beat her up repeatedly. I don't think you need to accept an apology of someone who physically harmed you.

Her apology also doesn't sound sincere.
Saying "what happened between us", just shows she is not even taking accountability for what she did.

It sounds like she is only apologizing because she is worried OP will tell her workplace about this.

OP, you handled it really well. I would speak to your HR and disclose what she did to you and also tell them about the conversation she was trying to force on you.

Why? This woman clearly feels no remorse, why on EARTH should OP have a discussion with her? It's not empowering, it's degrading! I think her was quite restrained by not punching her on sight tbh.

You. Are. Not. That. Person. Anymore.

As hard as it may sound, do not let her into your head.

You are a strong, successful woman, who has worked hard for the life she has now.

End of.

She is no doubt remorseful but that is her cross to bear. You are a bigger and better person and you owe her nothing. Your good work will speak for you.

Good luck with managing this ❤️

People saying ‘talk to her and forgive her’ - would you say that to your daughter/son?

the op might discuss how she processes it with a therapist etc but she owes this woman nothing

Can you tell HR. You should write a detailed account and let them/ your manager know what extreme stress this puts you under. It’s completely understandable. You have my utmost sympathies. No one should ever have to go through what you did. What’s more no one should ever have to be made to relive the trauma in their place of work. Do not leave. She must be moved. You should ask for paid sick leave from stress otherwise. That might make them sit up and take notice! What a wretched situation. I wish you all the luck in the world. You are a survivor.

Fuck her and her manipulative non-apology. She’s only sorry because you have the upper hand here. A detailed account inc police, attempted suicide, family breakdown - everything- so that the gravity of the situation is clear. As soon as possible before this bitch tries to frame it as teenage girls falling out. I very much hope your company decide not to let her pass probation. A teeny bit of karma for the massive amount of hell she put you through! Hugs to you OP.

I want to echo this, 100%. Please take this approach, OP. @OhNotAnother

Keep it factual, which this is. I have added a couple of details I think are important.

• x approached me on x date in the coffee area where she raised this prior history, and I made it clear to her that I wanted no informal contact with her at work, and that communication in a professional capacity needs to be via email.

• Given this context, I do not feel comfortable working with x, and would not like to be placed on any projects, nor in any teams with her which would require one to one working arrangements.

I don't know enough about your work environment and respective roles to judge whether it is feasible for you to completely rule out your wider teams working together. Therefore, I put this caveat in.

This is an entirely reasonable email.

I think I might put it in writing (which is why I said email above.)

Yes and all of that "we stuff" in the apology. FUCK THAT and FUCK HER.

Send an email, get it on record.

I really wouldn't. I would keep it professional

I think this is right - otherwise notwithstanding the appalling abuse OP has suffered, she runs the risk of appearing petulant and unprofessional

I also think you need to speak to someone & get this logged. You never know what might happen. She might gode or snigger at you once she gets more settled & confident at work. If you blow up back at her in the moment, your work need to know theres a long history & what she's already put you through.
I hope she moves on quickly OP, I really do. Untill then just remember how far you've come and how strong you are now.
She's always going to be a massive bullying twat. No fixing that.

Is the caution a matter of public record. It's long since spent and the bully herself is under no,obligation herself to disclose

That's excellent advice from @Topseyt123 , and also from @WildCats24 :

If I were in this situation, I would organise a meeting with my line manager/HR. I would not go into all of the nitty gritty details, but would say the following:
I’ve noticed that x now has a job here.
I wanted to make you aware that x physically assaulted me on multiple occasions between 20xx - 20xx. The police were involved due to the severity of the attacks.
x approached me on x date in the coffee area, and I made it clear to her that I wanted no contact with her, and that if she needs to communicate with me in a professional capacity, she needs to do it via email.
I do not feel comfortable working with x, and would not like to be placed on any projects, nor in any teams with her.

You have come such a long way and achieved so much despite this horrible person and her gang - well done, @OhNotAnother

Your grandmas funeral is just a despicable act even at 15. I’d be petty af and go to my managers and say it was a grief period and no I will never be over such heinous act so I refuse to work with her. And if they are hiring someone with that background, I’d be voicing my concerns about the company hiring the right people. Evil like that don’t change

Surely op isn't in a place to accept an apology anyway? Her whole family was affected. Bet they won't be happy an apology is accepted.. Fuck her. Losing her job is the very least she deserves..

What she did was on a whole other level.

She should be deeply, deeply ashamed and that "apology" was nowhere near good enough.

I couldn't forgive either.

I think you are right to speak to your union. And then possibly HR, with a view to some sort of plan to work from home opposite days to minimise your exposure to her.

You've been there three years, she will still be on probation. Stay calm and factual, try and take the emotion out of it but don't minimise the abuse. Let it be known to HR, in factual terms, what a vile abusive little shit she is and it can be up to them to manage her.

I'm sorry you've gone through this. Bullies are vile. I home educate one of my children because of bullies.

I'd definitely approach the HR and let them know especially if police were involved. Imagine it was a DV survivor who was forced to work with their abuser?

In the meantine, keep your head up and don't let her even get a sniff she's rattled you. You have come so far and it sounds like you were established at the company before she joined? Let her see you happy and confident (fake it if you have to!) and successful.

She will get her comeuppance one day.

People who are victims of extreme bullying like this don't 'want to hold onto' their pain. They often suffer from PTSD as a result and it sounds as this is part of what is happening to the OP. It's inextricably there, a horrendous part of life that can't be forgotten. You can learn to deal with it, but being expected to interact with the person who bullied you is completely unreasonable.

Some people might be able to, but probably not until after some kind of therapy to help them process what happened. Many people never can. No one should be expected to.

This wasn't a bit of a playground scuffle, or a bit of a fight, it was serious, illegal, life-threatening bullying.

If someone treated an adult ,how this woman treated the op
Police would be involved,a lot more than they were
Just because she was a child at the time
Does not make it any less painful,or distressing
People minimize ,and brush it off as children falling out ,tit for tat ,but in the ops case ,this was a sustained and violent nasty attack

That wasn't an apology at all. That was her blocking you in a room and telling you to get over yourself and accept equal blame for childhood shenanigans.

A true apology would have been her quietly asking whether you and she could meet up after work, then a heartfelt apology for everything she'd done and a reason why she'd been so vicious. It would have been an acceptance that you won't want to work with her and a promise she'd look for work elsewhere immediately.

This is why I've suggested not using the word bullying. "People minimize ,and brush it off as children falling out ,tit for tat ,but in the ops case ,this was a sustained and violent nasty attack". So no one has the minor scuffle in their head.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you, OP. It's all so vile.

I do think it needs to be reported to HR or your manager. You can keep it factual (physically assaulted me multiple times, came to my grandma's funeral for the sole purpose of hurling insults, etc.). Her apology was all about covering her arse, not actually wanting to make amends and take responsively for her actions.

You've handled it well so far.

This was not small scale school bullying. If you are feeling under stress because of this, speak with HR. Anyone reading this will understand this is not a feasible situation. HR may be able to move her but I expect you are more valuable to them than this new member of staff.

I find it pretty laughable all these comments recommending telling your manager and HR. Preemptively complaining about someone who bullied you 15 years ago will be around the office so quickly that any awkwardness you feel now will pale into insignificance.