To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

Goodness me, what an absolutely dreadful time you were made to have, & your family. That bully needs to know she cannot work there with an easy conscience. How dare she even try to ease her mind by telling you she's sorry. Is she seriously that deluded?😞

I'd be inclined to inform HR. Then, at least they are informed and can note it.

Hopefully, she'll decide to move on and leave you in peace 🌼

I think @WildCats24 has the best suggestion , although I would add that she blocked you from leaving the room as that is somewhat relevant really.
I am really sorry that you had to go through all that, and your family as well. She’s a horrible person and it doesn’t really sound like she’s actually sorry at all.

OP I think if you feel you can do it, I'd tell your manager or HR in confidence for your own protection. The woman might raise it with HR or her supervisor that you seem cold or unfriendly towards her and "she doesn't know why" I am in awe of your reponse to her approach to you...so strong and confident even if you didn't feel it.

I think you should talk to HR, but you need to say it in the right way.

You do not want HR thinking the two of you just don't get on and this is a petty quarrel.

Instead, I would say that you have PTSD from traumatic childhood events that you were managing really well until faced with the person who inflicted all that trauma on you. If you can frame the impact she has had on you as a mental health condition which is covered by the Equality Act, then HR have an obligation to make reasonable adjustments. It means they have to actually take this seriously and not try to downplay the two of you working together.

You need to protect your own mental wellbeing. The fact she may or may not be a mum doesn't mean you deserve to go to work feeling miserable each day. This wasn't typical teen girl bullying - this was a whole other level.

And by contacting HR first, if she tries to cover herself by making any kind of fake allegations against you, she's not going to sound very credible.

It's probably more about what kind of work they are able to get as adults - I suppose carers also work fairly flexible hours?

However, it is a bit worrying, and explains why there are reported cases of abuse of vulnerable people by a minority of carers.

@OhNotAnother you don’t owe her anything, don’t quit your job, you just carry on as normal but only communicate with her on a need be basis.

I’ve had my school bully trying to make friends with me just because our mums are now friends.

Im in my 40’s now but still haven’t forgotten how I used to hide in the toilets at lunchtimes because she had turned everyone against me and I had no one to sit with, it actually still makes me sad when I think back.

She actually came up to me and said “oh haven’t you changed” and I thought “oh I see you are still a bitch”

Your bully says she’s sorry but she really has now idea the hell she put you through.

Sending you hugs xx

Yes, and if she accuses the OP of singling her out and freezing her out in the office, HR may well investigate the OP for bullying.

The OP needs to get ahead of this. Her reactions are very understandable and justified, but only when you have the context, which currently no one at work does.

I’m so sorry you went through this, she sounds like a complete bitch. Anyone who could behave like such a sociopath hasn’t changed, you can be certain she’s just shitting herself that you’ll reveal her nasty side beneath the mask. And in my opinion you owe it to yourself to do just that. The calm, factual approach as per @WildCats24 would do nicely. Why the fuck should she get to turn up and start getting in your face with no consequences? At the very least your work, once informed, will have a duty to keep her away from you entirely. At best it compromises her probation and it’s absolutely no more than she deserves. Cold karma I’d call it.

I would look up the stuff about forgiveness and MH to decide if it is for you - it is not right for everyone or necessary for everyone. I would also have a quiet word with your manager, state that she severely bullied you at school to the point you were taken out of school and she was expelled, and that being around her is difficult for you. Tell your manager what you need - everything in writing, no direct contact, WFH to avoid her - and see what they do.

Id tell higher up. If there’s police record id say she’s not to be near you. Wtf carers if she’s a mom now!

Yep just like all the "Be Kind" shambles when in reality the people who preach it are anything but.

So would I. They need to know what they are dealing with here, and they aren't psychic.

OP you have all the power now. She knows you could tell people who she truly is at any time.

agree tell HR. They need to keep an eye on her.

hold your head up high and decide what you want to do.

100% this. You should stress that your employer has a duty of care towards you and that this woman is not a safe person for you to be around.

Do you have a HR department? I think it would be useful to have a conversation with them now. It doesn't have to be with your boss, so you're not potentially prejudicing him against her. And they can just note your past experience.

Just in case anything comes up. It's not that unusual for this type of situation to arise.

I am so sorry you had to deal with this as a child op, and it seems so unfair you have to deal with this again now. I think Fainting has it spot on here. With any luck this woman will change jobs when she thinks it through - I really hope so anyway.

If I was your manager I would hope you would tell me about this, as early as possible.

What horrific bullying. So sad to read. And you have done so amazingly to do so well after such a horrendous time.

I think I would write it all down very factually, like you have here,’including whenever the police were involved and let HR and your manager know. Ask for the document to be held on record in case there are any further problems. Do not be afraid to share with friends/sympathetic colleagues at work what she has done.

Bullies often resort to DARVO tactics and I fear if you don’t get in there first she may make herself out to be a victim and say you are ignoring her etc.

The urgent priority is to disclose to your HR department and your line manager exactly what happened, and what working arrangements you would like them to put in place to protect your mental health. She’s realised that you are not in a forgiving mood, and there’s a danger that she will go to HR /
management first to get her story in and paint you as crazy/ vindictive.

I would include references as many established records (e.g . police or court reports) as you can.

Contacting your union is a good idea.

I wouldn’t tell anyone outside of management.

She doesn’t get to demand forgiveness, or emotionally blackmail you - that’s further bullying .

Just to add that @WildCats24 makes excellent points in how to deal with this.

If you work for a responsible employer they would want to know about this and practically help if they can.

Bullying doesn't cover what she did to you, that's terrorizing a person and she should be ashamed. I would definitely make sure your bosses are aware of the past history, so she can't twist it for her own benefit. And the fact she has brought it up as if it was a dispute between teenagers. She clearly hasn't changed. If she had any decency she'd have left the moment she saw you, anyone normal would be mortified

I think you dealt with that situation amazingly for what it's worth and no you don't have to accept her apology, I certainly wouldn't have.

Ultimately you need to do what's best for you however, a good job that you and enjoy sounds like gold dust. Hold your head up high, stick to the boundary you have set with her and consider if it may be helpful to have a private word with your line manager so theyre aware of the situation. You don't need to go in depth just enough so they understand why you can't be more than civil with her.

You might find it empowering and helpful to accept her apology - you dont need to be friends but accepting an apology puts you in strong position to just move on. If it was me I would want to have a real discussion with her about why she did it, what was going on for her at the time. I suspect that she was jealous, miserable, raging about your apparent advantages that you did not deserve.maybe like you she has matured and had life experiences now that have made her empathic and realise how bloody awful she had been.
I would have the conversation.

Definitely get your union and HR involved. She’s assaulted you and you should not be made to work in the same office. She does not deserve your forgiveness, why lessen her guilt/fear of losing her job? What she did almost broke you and had an appalling effect on your family. Bullies know what they’re doing and all this ‘I was being ill-treated at home’ or whatever is no (imo) bloody excuse. I know you haven’t said this, OP, but I’m sick to the back teeth of reading it on threads about bullies meeting their victims years later.

I think it is clear the OP had already moved on. She has made a success of her life despite what was done to her by this woman.

Why should the OP put herself out to understand what the woman was going through at the time? Believe it or not many of us go through hard and miserable times without being so utterly vicious to someone else. Nothing can excuse it and the OP certainly does not owe her forgiveness.