To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

[OhNotAnother]

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

I'm so sorry OP. This is heartbreaking and her attempt to paint some kind of equivalence between the two of you is disgraceful.

I don't have anything more to add to the excellent advice you've received from others, but just wanted to recommend an article I read a few months ago, by Katy Wix about the bullying she received at the hands of her former friend. I found it a really moving read and it might help confirm to you that it is indeed okay not to forgive. I don't know whether you're allowed to link on here but if you search her name and "bullying" or similar you'll probably find it. I think it was in the guardian or something.

Excellent plan to have a union rep accompany you @OhNotAnother, absolutely do tell your manager and HR department.

I briefly had a similar situation (one of my bullies started working in the same place), I went straight to my manager and informed them of the violence she and her friends had perpetrated. The police had been involved and she was cautioned. It was years later but she was immediately fired, even though it was a caution as a teenager she knew I worked there and failure to disclose this was considered dishonesty by my employer.

It's definitely worth making the history between you known to your employer, if she's not been there long they may view her failure to mention it in a similar way, depending on the nature of your industry.

Hello @OhNotAnother I'm so so sorry you went through such trauma. Massive hug.
One of my best friends was bullied and the effect was, like yourself catastrophic.
We were out one day and saw her bully and my friend froze, it was awful. My lovely friend never had her own children despite loving babies/kids because she was scared they'd be bullied.
It's the most awful thing to see, a good person crushed by some mouthy little fucker who'd not pick of someone who'd absolutely wipe the floor with them.

Anyway I'm also a carer and I can confirm that sadly I've met so many people who go into care to bully the vulnerable.
Most people in care just need a job and it's not really a calling, they're just not educated enough to get jobs where qualifications are required.
Mostly they become wonderful carers. And then there are people who stupidly like myself love the job and are there because it's a calling.
But a few power mad ones end up in care but they're often pecked into line by staff who aren't there to deal with that bullshit and are very quick to tell them to behave.
Honestly not my finest moment but in my youth there was a older woman picking on my favourite resident so outside during a smoke break I told her if a heard her pick on resident again I'd break her nose.
She, like a typical bully stopped.
I will say bullying in the care industry locally at least has calmed down hugely within the last 20 years.

My DP runs a small care home for young men and anything remotely seen as bullying is immediately dealt with.

If anyone is worried about relatives in care homes and bullying staff members please report it x

Hi OP, sorry to hear about what a traumatic experience you had as a result of this woman's behaviour. I don't think you need to forgive her right at this moment, but I do think you should take some steps to protect yourself. To echo what many previous posters have said, I would definitely speak to someone at work that you can trust, preferably a manager or someone senior about your past with this person and have it put on record. My main worry would be that she tries to change or deny your account if anything comes up again between you. But speaking to someone would also enable you to keep her at a distance and have someone in authority backing you up about why you're doing that. Is there a Mental Health First Aider or similar at your work? Even speaking to them could be a good first step.

Also think therapy is a great way of getting support through this as others have said.

Well done on all you've achieved in spite of the bullies x

I don't think she should forgive her at all! Why on earth should she?

There will be a record somewhere of her U18 caution I suspect. I also suspect that this will not be the only time that she has had the attention of the police. Does your job need a DBS check OP? Evil teenagers turn into evil adults. Spots, leopards etc.

This is excellent advice. Concise, factual and professional.

There'd be no forgiveness from me. She put you through hell, and by extension also your family. She's probably scared, as she should be so I hope she is sweating. Her "apology" is utterly pathetic and really rather a "non apology" by the sound of it. You'd never have even had that f she hadn't been shocked into it by seeing that you were working for the same employer.

I think you've handled it well so far, telling her to never speak to you again and to stick to emails if contact is absolutely necessary. I'd stick to that. Yes to speaking with your union rep and getting them to help you handle things with your manager and the HR department if there is one.

I think that some people at work will need to know because you won't want to end up directly working with her if you can possibly avoid it, and they will need to understand why you are resistant to that. Take the advice of your union rep there. Don't hold back when you go into the context and background between you and this woman. Tell them everything, including having to be withdrawn from school and home educated, and the police involvement after the assaults, the calling of insults at your grandma's funeral etc. Everyone needs to realise that this was no ordinary teenage spat, it was serious bullying and criminal activity which hugely impacted you and your family and which is now in danger of raising its ugly head again.

I'm sorry to hear you went through so much. You thought you had dealt with it as best you could but this must now feel like a sticking plaster having been ripped off.

I also think @WildCats24 is on to something with her suggested response.

Don’t accept her apology - but I would look to move upwards in your career.

Her apology is totally self serving, it’s in her interest and not yours. So no, this person hasn’t changed. Still looking out for herself. And thus a problem best avoided.

I was horribly bullied at work, I had never been bullied as a child or indeed as an adult until this person started on me, It was subtle at first and gradually escalated until my working life was a misery and of course this affected my home life too. Interestingly this person was the lead counsellor at the service I worked for. I do think that some people are attracted to careers where they have power and authority over vulnerable people.

If you use this I would also add in that when the 'x approached me on x date in the coffee area' she blocked you in the room and prevented you from leaving. She is still trying to physically intimidate you to get her what she wants.

If you do have to deal with her in a meeting or similar, be coldly professional. I find that thinking of a seal being ripped apart by an arctic wolf gives my face the correct degree of icy calm. Like the grey rock technique, only its blood rock.

The apology was a non-apology. She wants you to draw a line under it? I bet she does. There is no apology there for you to accept so don't worry about that.

I agree but I would add that there were horrendous, life-changing consequences.

Yes, definitely say she blocked you from leaving. This bully does that sort of thing automatically, doesn't she? She really hasn't changed.

I echo all the above advice about telling HR with one minor change. Don't use the word bullying - it has connotations that make it seem more minor.

"She repeatedly targeted me for psychological abuse and physically assaulted me on multiple occasions, one of which resulted in her receiving a police caution. Her repeated (use repeat a lot as it shows it wasn't a one off) actions included disrupting my grandmother's funeral and left me attempting suicide and having to be home schooled. I am experiencing symptoms of PTSD after being alone in her presence here where she blocked me from leaving and while I will be seeking help for this i will need some adjustments including not working directly with her in order to avoid disruption to my work and the company."

Edited for bad phrasing.

Doesn’t it always seem to be the case that the women who are all ‘women supporting women’ actually do nothing of the sort in reality! I’ve got experience of that.

I agree that it's a very weak apology. Especially given the use of 'we' and 'us' rather than owning her own actions.

I do think that quite some time has passed and its very different (hopefully) that she's a different person now. I'm nothing like the person I was in school now I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't want to be judged as such - but equally I never did anything to hurt anyone and obviously her actions have left a lasting impact on you and your family and there's no minimising that. You don't owe her anything. You don't NEED to accept her apology unless it brings you peace and closure. You don't need to be friends with her, but I do think you'll need to find a way to navigate working civilly with her on a purely professional level as you've suggested. I think speaking to your union is a good first step and they might be able to help you speak to your manager and doing it in a professional way.

Outside if that I think it's important to get good support to reinforce that you're not the same person any more either. You're in a very different place in yourself and in life and she won't be able to hold that power over you ever again. So counselling is probably a good shout to help you process your feelings in a safe space.

I didn't suffer the extreme bullying that you did but it was still pretty bad

I think if I saw one of them now I wouldn't spit on them if they were on fire

People have no idea of the long-term damage even 'minor' ostracising can do.

You need to protect yourself from her and no, a simple 'sorry' doesn't cut it at all!

I wish you well

I wouldn’t accept her apology either and would request to WFH the days she’s in. However, as PP’s have said I’d get your side of the story logged with them first before she does or accuses you of something.

A school bully of mine when she was an adult at first I thought she’d changed but no, on closer contact with her it turned out not at all. Or still had the same bullying tendencies as before.

I'm not sure what it is exactly that you have to rise above!

She's not sorry in the slightest

That's a horrible situation to be in and I'm so sorry this girl was so vicious to you. It must be very hard to find yourself having to be around her and I honestly don't know what I'd do in your place. I hope very much you can find someone supportive to help you work it all out. School bullies cause so much damage.

There was a girl who bullied me horribly at school. It was 50 years ago but still vivid in my mind. She was a big lass and a scrapper, while I was seven stone wringing wet and quite shy. After I finished at that school we moved area so I didn't have to see her about, thank goodness. I got very fit and took up judo and aikido, getting quite good at both and that helped my confidence. 20 years after school finished, there was a reunion and I went with my brother. This girl was there, not much changed to look at. She came over and apologised and said she had wanted to apologise to me for 20 years for being so horrible and that her behaviour had haunted her all that time. I remember looking into her eyes, smiling and telling her that I'd learned to fight since then, then I turned and walked away with my head held high. I was glad she apologised but not sorry that what she'd done had haunted her.

I would tell a superior but I would leave out the attempted suicides in case that is ever used against you.

A straightforward report that this woman bullied you at school and you wish to only interact with her at work via professional channels.

Tell her to go fuck herself. Obviously you can't cos you work together but do it in your head as you owe her nothing and tell your boss exactly where you stand with her. You will still have to deal with her but least they know.

I had a situation where someone bullied me horribly and she turned up on facebook as nice as pie. I got all this garbage about how her husband ran a charity which was terribly exhausting for him but he was helping deprived children and she had had two terrible births needing operations and trips to intensive care and that she didn't work now cos she wanted to be a full time mum. (I have changed my name cos I have changed no details so she knows exactly who she is if she sees this).

It would have been bollocks when we're 12, and it was bollocks now. She was a mean aggravating little madam and if our paths cross now.. well, it may be 30 years now but that makes fuck all difference to me.

I would tell your line manager the history in confidence, actually. She doesn't deserve to have her job messed up due to her actions at 15/16, but you deserve to be protected and understood.

It might be professionally pertinent anyway; she must have something psychologically wrong with herself to have done that, at any age. Like I said, she doesn't deserve to be shafted before actually behaving like that again, but if people know they will be more aware if there's any suggestion of it.

This person behaved very badly in her adolescence, and you suffered as a result.
You are not the same person as you were half your lifetime ago, and nor is she.
She is an adult now, with her own child, and school bullying might seem a long way away.You have also grown and developed.
As you have been scarred by her behaviour it’s not unreasonable to ask that she be kept from close contact at work, as you have old history with her behaviour.