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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have not accepted her apology? TW: Bullying/Suicide

299 replies

OhNotAnother · 29/11/2024 13:34

I’ve been at my job for around three years and absolutely love it. I’m really happy here, and was mostly until my school bully joined as well. I work in a city around 30 minutes from where we grew up in a different team but I still have to see her in the office twice a week across the way.

This woman made my life a misery. We were friends, best friends actually when we were 15. I then came home from holiday and returned to school to find that none of my friends would speak to me. I think it was to do with a boy I liked that they also liked, but they never told me why.

They made my life hell, especially this girl. They’d beat me up, they’d deface my books and blazer, they spread rumours I’d had an abortion. They put and spread gum in my hair. They even skipped school to shout abuse at my grandmas funeral as we were all entering the church. They’d do it in front of adults and wouldn’t care. In the end, I tried to commit suicide and my mum had to pull me out and homeschool me. I didn’t get as many GCSE’s as I’d wanted and in the end this girl got expelled soon after I left.

It pretty much destroyed my parents marriage as I was so mentally ill from it and my younger brother also found me on occasion as well after attempts so it messed him up slightly.

Things got better, I went to college did my A-Levels and GCSE’s, Got a degree and a masters, bought a house and I’m now 30. But recently at work, she has tried to make small talk with me. She’s now a mum and she’s sorry. I’ve told her to never speak to me again and if she needs anything professional to put it on email. I think she’s scared I’ll tell others what she did.

but it’s been awful the past few weeks, I have that horrible gut pit feeling in my stomach before I go in and I try to focus on work but she’s across the way. I’ve even moved desks but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to leave my job as I love it and I begrudge losing something else.

I guess what would you do?

OP posts:
sprigatito · 30/11/2024 20:19

Lobberto · 30/11/2024 20:18

I find it pretty laughable all these comments recommending telling your manager and HR. Preemptively complaining about someone who bullied you 15 years ago will be around the office so quickly that any awkwardness you feel now will pale into insignificance.

Only if you work in a shithole where nobody has a shred of professional integrity.

relaxandfocus · 30/11/2024 21:10

Sorry this happened to you OP. I’d tell her that if she was really sorry she would start looking for another job. If not you will inform your Line Manager or Human Resources of what happened specifically the police being involved. I think you mentioned she stood in front of a door blocking your path. She is still a bully. The only reason she apologised is because she is scared of losing her job.

MrsAllsorts · 30/11/2024 21:15

I was also bullied OP, and by a supposed “best friend” who turned, but nowhere near as severely as you were.

Do not allow the past to repeat itself by allowing her to ruin things for you. If it were me, I would go to a solicitor, and ask for assistance.

Can a solicitor can gain access to past police records? If so I would use them with HR.

Heavy handed? After what happened to you, and what she did, I don’t think so. If you give up your job, you are giving her power over you, and what will you do if she turns up in your life again? Please don’t do that. At 15 you knew that the way she behaved was wrong, and so did she. She is relying on you keeping quiet and scared. Put her in her place, for your own sake, and at the same time, say to yourself that you are letting it go whilst at the same time, honouring yourself.

Good luck, best wishes and hugs OP.

MrsAllsorts · 30/11/2024 21:16

standardduck · 29/11/2024 18:24

I don't get those saying OP should talk to her bully and understand why she did what she did.

She beat her up repeatedly. I don't think you need to accept an apology of someone who physically harmed you.

Her apology also doesn't sound sincere.
Saying "what happened between us", just shows she is not even taking accountability for what she did.

It sounds like she is only apologizing because she is worried OP will tell her workplace about this.

OP, you handled it really well. I would speak to your HR and disclose what she did to you and also tell them about the conversation she was trying to force on you.

Agree and well said.

MrsAllsorts · 30/11/2024 21:18

CoraPirbright · 29/11/2024 19:51

Fuck her and her manipulative non-apology. She’s only sorry because you have the upper hand here. A detailed account inc police, attempted suicide, family breakdown - everything- so that the gravity of the situation is clear. As soon as possible before this bitch tries to frame it as teenage girls falling out. I very much hope your company decide not to let her pass probation. A teeny bit of karma for the massive amount of hell she put you through! Hugs to you OP.

Agree!

MrsAllsorts · 30/11/2024 21:19

OVienna · 29/11/2024 20:10

I want to echo this, 100%. Please take this approach, OP. @OhNotAnother

Keep it factual, which this is. I have added a couple of details I think are important.

  • x approached me on x date in the coffee area where she raised this prior history, and I made it clear to her that I wanted no informal contact with her at work, and that communication in a professional capacity needs to be via email.
  • Given this context, I do not feel comfortable working with x, and would not like to be placed on any projects, nor in any teams with her which would require one to one working arrangements.

I don't know enough about your work environment and respective roles to judge whether it is feasible for you to completely rule out your wider teams working together. Therefore, I put this caveat in.

This is an entirely reasonable email.

Agree

MrsAllsorts · 30/11/2024 21:26

thepariscrimefiles · 29/11/2024 14:19

This wasn't normal bullying. It was harassment and the shouting abuse at her grandmother's funeral was probably a crime, though it doesn't sound like the OP or her parents reported it to the police. This woman drove OP to try and end her life by suicide. You think that OP should just forgive her? This woman has made no amends. She is just worried about her own job and reputation.

Agree completely.

OVienna · 30/11/2024 22:16

MaterCogitaVera · 29/11/2024 14:51

OP, are you in a union? If so, maybe talk to your union rep before going to HR/manager. You might find it hard to talk about this, and having someone to advocate for you, or even to explain on your behalf, might help.

Either way, as a former union rep, this is how I’d advise you:

  • write things down first, so you have a clear and concise summary of what happened - write as factually as possible;
  • if official records of any of the assaults etc. exist (e.g. police reports), mention this - you don’t need to seek copies of these, just make it clear that there is independent evidence of the history between you and this woman;
  • be clear about your purposes in telling HR: you want to be proactive in explaining why you are avoiding this woman other that for strictly necessary professional communication; you want the history to be on record in the unlikely event that this woman attempts to restart her abuse of you; you need your manager to know because the situation is currently affecting your health and this may temporarily have an adverse impact on your work;
  • be clear about the specific outcomes you hope to achieve by telling HR and your manager: where possible, you would prefer not to work directly with the bully; where possible, you would like to work in a different part of the building, or to work from home on days where this woman is in the office;
  • be clear about any actions you are taking to minimise any disruption to your work (I know you shouldn’t have to do this, but management culture is unfortunately very keen on blaming you for not being proactive enough): you are seeking therapy; you’re communicating the problem to management so that they can help you to make reasonable adjustments;
  • be clear that you are not asking for any consequences or action affecting this woman - you understand that your history with her is not a workplace matter, and you are only raising it because you want to mitigate any effect of the trauma you have experienced on your work;
  • be clear that you do not wish for the other woman to be aware that you have discussed this with HR or manager.

You may be covered by disabilities legislation if you have PTSD - either your union or possibly ACAS should be able to advise you if this is the case.

I am so, so sorry for everything you’ve been through, and I truly admire you for achieving so much after such trauma. Good luck navigating this horrible situation.

This is excellent advice too.

HelmholtzWatson · 01/12/2024 06:42

cheeseonwheels · 29/11/2024 13:49

I don't buy into this at all. She has done nothing to deserve your forgiveness so fuck her.
Agree with a PP though, I would definitely just send an email to your line manager or someone explaining you have history and stating that you will be cordial and professional with her and deal with her by email if needed for business purposes but nothing further.

Whatever you do, don't bring this up at work with anyone. It will just be treated as tittle-tattle, no one at work cares what happened at school 15 years ago.

This can easily escalate into a situation where it's her word against yours and your employer might decide they are better off without both of you.

AndreaB220 · 01/12/2024 08:00

PotOfViolas · 29/11/2024 13:38

No you don't have to accept her apology. Only do what's best for you. Not what's best for her. After all she put you through an apology is a bit too easy for it all to be forgotten. Plus, it's not as if she was seeking you out to apologise before you worked together. It's only now it might cause issues with her job. If you did apologise who's to say she might not see you as a pushover and bully you again?

Why would OP apologise?

Abab11 · 01/12/2024 08:17

I’d definitely tell your manager about this. You are professional and not looking for any different treatment, just for them to be aware in case she starts anything. Also to be aware so that if you don’t need to cross paths you shouldn’t. This wasn’t just name calling etc. which is bad enough! This person has had a really negative impact on your life and done some really awful things to you. You are absolutely justified to never forgive and not to want anything to do with her.

graceinspace999 · 01/12/2024 09:31

OhNotAnother · 29/11/2024 14:00

Also she worked in social care before this as a carer? And it’s so weird because a few of my friends who have been bullied their bullies have also gone into nursing/social care? I’m not of course trying to generalise here all nurses/carers but wonder if there’s a power play at hand.

You’re probably on to something here. I have met some awful carers and nurses (and good ones too before people jump on me 😂)

In your case I would not forgive. I would confide in someone I trust at work and keep an eye on her. Someone mentioned a move up - if that’s possible that would be great. If you can find a way of leaving that suits you - great.

I would worry that she’d try and undermine me. I doubt she has changed apart from perhaps becoming more sneaky and passive aggressive.
Best of luck to you. You didn’t deserve such treatment and you owe her absolutely nothing.

Gloriia · 01/12/2024 09:39

Abab11 · 01/12/2024 08:17

I’d definitely tell your manager about this. You are professional and not looking for any different treatment, just for them to be aware in case she starts anything. Also to be aware so that if you don’t need to cross paths you shouldn’t. This wasn’t just name calling etc. which is bad enough! This person has had a really negative impact on your life and done some really awful things to you. You are absolutely justified to never forgive and not to want anything to do with her.

Yes it is the responsible thing to do. If things deteriorate and she manipulates others the first question your manager will ask you is 'why on earth didn’t you tell us about the serious harassment and assault so we could protect you and keep an eye'.

Justsayit123 · 01/12/2024 09:51

I think I would I formaly mention the back story to HR, just in case.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/12/2024 13:24

HelmholtzWatson · 01/12/2024 06:42

Whatever you do, don't bring this up at work with anyone. It will just be treated as tittle-tattle, no one at work cares what happened at school 15 years ago.

This can easily escalate into a situation where it's her word against yours and your employer might decide they are better off without both of you.

This isn't just something that happened at school. The OP was beaten and was harassed at a family funeral. This is not just a school bullying incident.

WearyAuldWumman · 01/12/2024 13:44

WearyAuldWumman · 01/12/2024 13:24

This isn't just something that happened at school. The OP was beaten and was harassed at a family funeral. This is not just a school bullying incident.

I'm well aware that I'm projecting, but the OP's new work colleague only cares about herself.

20+ yrs ago, a teenage boy whom I didn't even teach ran into my classroom after another boy and proceeded - with some glee - to punch me in the stomach. I wasn't visibly pregnant - I was waiting to re-test - and I miscarried the next day.

I couldn't prove that I'd been pregnant and I reasoned that I didn't want the boy to carry that guilt for the rest of his life. How stupid I was: that kind of person cares for no one.

He also punched the two male colleagues who came to my assistance.

I can't remember much of it now. I remember trying to keep away and I remember miscarrying. I wrote a report at the time which I destroyed when I came across a copy of it some years later. It sounds stupid, but I can't remember the punch, though I described it in the report.

The boy claimed that he was the victim of a homophobic attack and that I'd "got in the way". No. He was the attacker and I was trying to keep clear - I remember that much.

The police "lost the paperwork". SACRO wanted me to hold a restorative conversation with him, since he was a "victim". I refused.

A year or so later, he was thrown off a college course for being violent.

Years further on, I was horrified to be confronted by some giggling teens who wanted to know whether I remembered "L". Was it true that L had punched me in the stomach?

At the end of the lesson, I informed the girls concerned that I'd be grateful if they could convey to L that I was pleased that he was now admitting his crime, that I'd miscarried as a result and that he'd be hearing from my lawyers. (A bluff, of course.)

I later realised that he'd put about a story that I was a homophobe. I never taught him. I didn't know who he was and I had no idea that he was gay.

My bluff had the desired effect, however. I heard no more about it at work and the thug moved to another part of the country. I admit that I have Googled to make sure that he's still away from here. (His family still live in the area, you see.) He's working as a "spa manager and massage therapist" in a city and getting 5 star reviews.

As I said, I'm projecting here. In my experience, a leopard seldom changes its spots. The OP needs to protect herself.

She can do that by making a simple statement to HR. She should have someone with her as a witness, preferably a union rep. The OP was not "just bullied". She was harassed, she was beaten and she was stalked.

The new colleague has already blocked her way at work and has tried to change the narrative. OP needs to put herself first.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing. I made life more difficult for myself by "being kind". Never be kind to a sociopath.

Minglingpringle · 01/12/2024 15:56

I think in your position I would be fascinated to understand how she had become the person who did that to you. I would actually arrange to meet her outside of work to talk it through.

Her apology is a bit half-hearted - “I hope WE can rise above it” - but it’s a conversation starter.

Knowing her story might make you feel sorry for her (she’s obviously been messed up in some way) and better about yourself.

It might also give you a bit of closure and make it easier to put it in the past.

To me, the point of forgiveness isn’t really about making the other person feel better. It’s allowing myself to genuinely let go of resentment and move forward free of it.

If you did meet her, you’d have to remember to be strong and not lose your belief in yourself - not let her wriggle out if anything with any meaningless “I’m sorry you feel that way” apologies.

You probably hate this idea.

HelmholtzWatson · 02/12/2024 06:13

WearyAuldWumman · 01/12/2024 13:24

This isn't just something that happened at school. The OP was beaten and was harassed at a family funeral. This is not just a school bullying incident.

Sure, but again, who at her work cares? The perpetrator could easily make up whatever stories she likes about OP in response to any complaint.

I can see very little upside and quite a large downside by opening up this can of worms with HR.

Netball01 · 02/12/2024 06:46

@HelmholtzWatson I would care if I was one of OP’s colleagues. This isn’t just some name calling, this is physical assault on several occasions, deliberately ruining a funeral and being so vile the bully drove OP to a suicide attempt. I don’t think it could get more serious.

I would 100% want to know to make sure my company protected OP as much as possible .

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 02/12/2024 06:51

Good luck today. I hope your meeting with HR is positive and you can explain the problem and upset this is causing you.

Outwiththenorm · 02/12/2024 07:41

OhNotAnother · 29/11/2024 14:00

Also she worked in social care before this as a carer? And it’s so weird because a few of my friends who have been bullied their bullies have also gone into nursing/social care? I’m not of course trying to generalise here all nurses/carers but wonder if there’s a power play at hand.

Two of my high school bullies are now nurses. One of them I honestly think is a psychopath.

madaboutpurple · 02/12/2024 08:24

You could tell HR and then say do they really want someone like her in the workplace. If you got her sacked that would be good revenge. I feel for you. I was bullied at school by a boy. He is in prison for life as he actually killed someone. Sometimes I smile and think Well my life is a lot better than being locked up. I have done a lot of personal growth work on myself over the years. I send you hugs indeed.

x2boys · 02/12/2024 08:27

sprigatito · 30/11/2024 20:19

Only if you work in a shithole where nobody has a shred of professional integrity.

Like the NHS do you mean because ime ,it was difficult enough to get HR to take actual work place bullying seriously, they would ,nt be interested in historical bullying from 15 years ago ,that was not related to the work place.

x2boys · 02/12/2024 08:29

madaboutpurple · 02/12/2024 08:24

You could tell HR and then say do they really want someone like her in the workplace. If you got her sacked that would be good revenge. I feel for you. I was bullied at school by a boy. He is in prison for life as he actually killed someone. Sometimes I smile and think Well my life is a lot better than being locked up. I have done a lot of personal growth work on myself over the years. I send you hugs indeed.

How would you get someone sacked for something that happened 15 years ago ,and is completely unrelated to the current workplace ,and is basically one persons word against another ?

GRex · 02/12/2024 08:30

What happened to you is extremely severe, and anyone would take it seriously. Talk to your union, but I think you should make an appointment to speak to HR. Explain that you've tried keeping a professional distance, but are not comfortable being approached in person by her for any reason and that you'd like that formalised for everyone's clarity. You do not want HR kept in the dark, because if she begins to cause a problem they will respond better with the full history.

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