Inheritance dispute with husband

[icantwaitforsummer]

Both me and my husband work full time, he earns more than me and has more free cash at the end of every month. We have a mortgage and DC.

I had 2 family members die suddenly this year. Shit year, still processing it all.

One left me a small flat, just got a tenant in there and rental income will be about £300 a month after taxes fees etc. Hoping to keep it for 15 years and then give it to DC.

My mum died and left me a share of her house, (shared with siblings) so will be about 80k

I was hoping to put the £300 a month in a stocks and shares ISA and then in 10 years go part time/partially retired.

The other 80k share with my husband, he wants to buy an old flat, and we do it up as a 'project'. And use any money we make to overpay mortgage.

But he also thinks the £300 a month should pay off more of our mortgage in overpayments or go into the joint account each month and reduce his contributions.

AIBU in thinking if I keep a little bit for me is ok? And he could save more of his extra income or make mortgage overpayments but he has absolutely no interest in doing that.

So to summarise, when he has more money coming in, he keeps more and when you have more money coming in he ….. still keeps more.

Ha ha ha, nope.

He was more than happy with separate finances when he benefited, he doesn’t suddenly get to decide on shared finances the minute you are the one ending up better off.

If your siblings agree you could do a deed of varation of the will so it goes to your DD
even if you had 60k to daughter and 20k to you

that way the majority of it is out of your greedy husbands hands 😂
he's clearly got his eye on your inheritance
you could put it in a savings account for her / premium bonds and nothing he can do about it

OP it's either all shared or none of it is. Don't share the £80k and income from the flat if he's not sharing his extra wages. If he wants to keep back his extra money then you should keep back your extra too.

That's the end of it. Fucking cheeky bastard.

If you have a “what’s mine is yours” way of dealing with money then it makes sense for these things to be a joint decision. But it sounds like you keep your finances fairly separate, in which case it’s your decision how to spend/invest your inheritance. It doesn’t sound like you’re not planning to be sensible with it so he shouldn’t be getting involved.
If it was him who received inheritance would you be getting a say in what to do with it or a share of it invested in your joint assets? He can’t have his cake and eat it too.

Not read the full thread. Pick an amount you're both happy to put into paying off the mortgage each month. £50 each off the mortgage. That's still £100 coming off it each month that will reduce the mortgage.

To me either everything is shared (in which case you wouldn’t each be putting in a % of pay with him having more disposable income) or it isn’t (in which case you invest all your inheritance in some way and that’s part of your income for the future so you both end up a bit better off OR you split the inheritance but any one of you invests and get income from doesn’t count for calculating your contribution on going.

So, what’s his is his, and what’s yours is his.

Exactly this , with bells on!!
I just don't understand how his mind is working??

Your plan sounds reasonable.

I'd stick with your plan. It's not fair he gets more spends than you at all.
You are married with kids.
Your money should all be joint and you should have equal access to money left over from bills and commitments..
You getting this 300 would address that up until now it has not been equal.

Also, who says you are feelings, he’s logistics? And who says you are selfish?

I don’t see that at all - he’s not trying to get his hands on your inheritance because of logistics, it’s because he feels entitled to your money. And as I and many others have said, he was fine with separate finances so long as he was the one ending up better off. I don’t think you are the selfish one here, you are just continuing to apply the rules he wanted. If that’s selfish, is he now admitting he’s been selfish for the last however many years?

Me and dh share everything and always have, except his inheritance from his mum and dad. That's his to do with as he likes. He bought me a car, which was lovely but most of it he has saved.
If I ever get any from my mum (seems increasingly unlikely) it will be mine to do with as I like (prob divide half between our 3 kids) and invest the rest.

Also his 'I work for this extra money' business really gets up my nose. We are not paid according to how hard we work! Some of it is, some is luck of the field, some is having supporting partners who enable us to work hard etc. Nurses work just as hard as CEOs for example.

I bet if and when he gets an inheritance he’ll be keeping it all to himself and eyeing up some fancy car.

I hate men like this. They think earning a higher wage means everything. Most women work and do all the household chores and parenting.

If he acts like this I’d make sure that every last thing down to the minute is divided 50/50. All childcare, drop offs, school and club stuff, cooking, shopping and admin. Anything falling into my camp extra would be billed to him.

Does he have any nice qualities?

Put it to him like this :-

• he gets to keep his extra income because he has “worked for it” even though this leaves you on less per month because you have both decided to keep your income separate.
• you have inherited £80k and are kindly offering to share it with him BUT the income from the flat is INCOME, absolutely no different than if you suddenly got a pay rise and this was from your salary!

maybe his logical brain will then understand that the extra £300 that you receive and wanting to put into an ISA so you can use to retire earlier in 10 years is no different than putting money into your pension and using that to supplement income in 10 years. It is INCOME not extra family money for him to tell you how to spend.

if he didn’t want to combine your salaries before (because he was better off by keeping it separate) it shouldn’t be any different now that you have an extra source of income.
The ONLY way I would agree to him having any say over the £300pm would be if you decide moving forward that all money is joint and shared/spent 50/50.

Ok, so if I say the buying a flat as 'a project' is off the cards, too risky, he hasn't got time (as he is barely here as it is!) and I took the 80k put it into a savings account in my name and 20k of that into a stocks and shared ISA. Do I just calculate the interest plus the rental money to reassess our percentages into the joint account and increase my percentage?

That feels so selfish though, like I've got this big pot of money and I'm not sharing it, just the proceeds/interest. Don't think I could sleep at night!

But how else do I do it fairly?

£100 a month is nothing. He sounds bratty and grabby. Love the way he likes separate finances when it suits and not when it doesn’t. Childcare is expensive and if you’re doing the lions share then he owes you for that as well

You've not reorganised your finances/contributions for a long time.

As a result, he's been better off for years.

He's only become interested now you've got more.

I can see why you don't feel like sharing.

I'd begin by looking at what income/expenditure in detail. Also pensions. Reset things to where they should be.

The comment about you not earning the money is extremely distasteful. But going by that reasoning, he shouldnt get any benefit as he's not earned it.

He's had extra money for years. What did he do with it? Does he have savings?

If you choose to save yours and he chose to spend (for the last x years) that's his decision.

Put that feeling aside, he's manipulating you. It's your fucking money!

Take the emotional side out. What is in the best long term interests of you as an individual and your children?

He's selfish. Ignore him.

@icantwaitforsummer I dont understand why you are giving him 40k of YOUR inheritance in the first place???? he has more available to spend at the end of the month than you so what does he do with that?? give half to you???

If I was the higher earner so paid more into the bills every month, and then my partners income increased by £300 per month and wanted to save this away for themself rather than offer to equalise the bill sharing I would be pissed off. Especially if we had separate finances.

Childcare IS work. If you do the majority of the childcare to allow him to work longer hours then you have provided him with a service which has saved him money. Would he be able to work those hours and not pay for childcare if he were a single dad? No. Therefore you have helped him earn the extra money he has earned and you are entitled to benefit from it.
He's acting like a twat.
It would even be so bad if he were truly 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours and keep everything separate kind of person' but he's only applying that to him!! He expects to benefit off your inheritance when he does not allow you to benefit off his wages when YOU HAVE FACILITATED HIM MAKING THAT MONEY. Emotion has nothing to do with it, nor do logistics.. he's absolutely trying to do a number on you and have his cake and eat it financially. Please please do not get sucked in to contributing to his life in ways which he won't contribute to yours. It's not irrational at all.. he's being borderline financially abusive. It isn't right at all. If he keeps his extra earnings then you keep your inheritance.. all of it.

Keep it all as separate as you can. This man does not see you as an equal member of a team.

Don't think I could sleep at night!
And yet he’s been sleeping easy for years keeping more of the family money to himself while you take on most of the family work!