Inheritance dispute with husband

[icantwaitforsummer]

Both me and my husband work full time, he earns more than me and has more free cash at the end of every month. We have a mortgage and DC.

I had 2 family members die suddenly this year. Shit year, still processing it all.

One left me a small flat, just got a tenant in there and rental income will be about £300 a month after taxes fees etc. Hoping to keep it for 15 years and then give it to DC.

My mum died and left me a share of her house, (shared with siblings) so will be about 80k

I was hoping to put the £300 a month in a stocks and shares ISA and then in 10 years go part time/partially retired.

The other 80k share with my husband, he wants to buy an old flat, and we do it up as a 'project'. And use any money we make to overpay mortgage.

But he also thinks the £300 a month should pay off more of our mortgage in overpayments or go into the joint account each month and reduce his contributions.

AIBU in thinking if I keep a little bit for me is ok? And he could save more of his extra income or make mortgage overpayments but he has absolutely no interest in doing that.

£300 per month is not a huge profit from a rental. I would save that so if the service charge is bigger one year or the boiler goes bang or you need to repair or replace something then you have funds. I doubt your DH is going to go halves with you on that.

with the 80k from your mum. I would personally put it in savings for 6 months or longer until you have really thought about what you want to do with it. The savings should be in your name only and kept separate. There is no rush to do anything with the funds so better to think carefully then spend it and regret it

Cross post but I agree with this and you've said it better and more succinctly!

Get everything out on the table with the latest numbers. All your monthly ingoings and outgoings, as a family and individually. Numbers don't lie. The problem is if he simply doesn't want to be fair.

If you divorce him, do it before the money comes through 😉

Can you get some financial advice? A stocks & shares ISA is probably not as profitable as your own pension.

Review the bank account contributions today, it's a bit odd that you haven't in years, does he refuse to?

They’re married…

This is all very grubby on his part. The idea of doing up a flat is a bit risky as it could eat up extra money that you haven't inherited - can you not just invest the £80k for retirement, and it would benefit you both still but less likely to have spiralling costs in the short term? I would speak to a financial advisor and absolutely not reduce your husband's contributions - far from it.

You are married with DC, why does he have more "free cash" at the end of the month? All of our money goes into the joint account and we both get the same amount for spending on fun stuff, anything left over after bills, days out, things for DD and so on goes into savings unless one of us needs to make a big purchase. We do make mortgage overpayments too and if one of us inherited £80k we would save it in a high interest account and then put it against the mortgage in 3 years time when our term ends to beat the interest rises. You're a team, why are you not living like one?

Sorry, your inheritance, your choice as to how to use it, especially as DH is a higher earner.
My DH has invested inheritance into our house - his choice. Any inheritance I get will be for my future security - DH's suggestion.
Our children will be looked after accordingly.

Who does the majority of the domestic chores OP?

This 100%

Nailed it.

Will he also be able to retire/semi-retire in 10 years? If he saved/invested more of his extra free cash would he be able to?

If the £300 a month means you being able to drop hours in 10 years but he would still need to be working full-time to pay the bills then I do think there may be a compromise needed somewhere. But if he would also be able to do the same (or would if he didn't spend "his" extra money) then I would see the £300 as just rebalanced things between you.

Does he have higher savings/pension?

There are ways of keeping your inheritance separate so it is not treated as marital assets. Maybe you'd be better to discuss this with a solicitor. I have no issue being all in with someone who's all in with you but unfortunately that doesn't seem the case in this matter. Maybe you need to reconsider mixing your inheritance into the family pot entirely.

My H has agreed to sign a post nup when I receive my inheritance until then it won't be co mingled with our joint money. It's a significant amount.

So his extra cash he just spends on whatever. Your extra cash that you actually want to save , instead has to go in the family pot and be used on the mortgage.

Tell him to lead by example. He can overpay the mortgage this year and you'll do it next.

Anywho, you definitely need to build contingency pot for the flat- our rental needs a new boiler but new regs mean it needs to move, use cherry picker etc. Will be £4.5k. Between tenants we always repaint/ sometimes replace or refinish floors so spend £1k. I'd prioritise saving cash for the flat for a bit.

Personally I find separate money in a relationship with children absolutely baffling and rather odd. What kind of team splits and hoards supplies?

Invest the inheritances for your income and increase your payment into the joint account to maintain the same percentage of your total income being paid in each month.

Be aware that being a part-time amateur landlord with only one property in the portfolio is not straightforward and comes with liabilities as well as income. It might be easier and less hassle in the long run to sell the rental property and invest the cash for income.

£300 per month is not a huge profit from a rental. I would save that so if the service charge is bigger one year or the boiler goes bang or you need to repair or replace something then you have funds.

This. Being a landlord comes with financial responsibilities - you don't just sit back and coin in the money each month. You'll need to pay for things, some of which will cost thousands of pounds (new boiler, building repairs etc).

No, you’re not being unreasonable. Any money you make from rent is classed as extra earnings. He’s not using his excess income to overpay so why should you? He’s being very unfair. You need individual security as well as joint security. If you got made redundant or needed to retire early for health reasons, would he then give you his excess earnings to replace the 300? Probably not no.

So you’ve been splitting expenses on the basis of percentage of how much you bring in - which isn’t a particularly unfair way of doing things if you both have the same freedom to pursue careers. You need to recalculate the percentage but unless he’s refused to do that lately because he wants to keep more money to himself, that’s just the reality of not staying totally on the ball with it. Often happens. Doesn’t mean there is anything manipulative going on.

However, you also have children and that frequently puts women on the back foot when it comes to careers - has that happened with you two? Have you stayed in less well paying work in order to be anvailable for DC because he won’t? Or because you’ve both decided it would be best for you as a family?

If not then you should probably invest the inheritance and adjust what you pay towards bills to take income from those investments into account (after you’ve bolstered your pension). His attempt to make your inheritance money less “yours” than his earnings are “his” is very self-serving - don’t go along with it.

If you’ve taken a hit to your earning potential because you’ve taken on more of the domestic role then I think you should keep back a significant amount of the inheritance for yourself as compensation for the money he’s been keeping back from his earnings for himself.

From what you’ve posted, he doesn’t sound generous financially. So don’t go along with his suggestions for an easy life now, when you’re older he is unlikely to suddenly become generous. You need to make sure you aren’t being shortchanged. Take the 80k you had intended sharing off the table and look at everything again. Make sure you’re financially secure and your positions become more equal. Consider whether he would be making your life better if he came into more money.

Well fuck that.
If what's his is his then what's yours is yours.

Funny how inheritance is fair game when it's yours.
I bet you anything if it was his he'd be holding on tight.

Don't let him take the piss.

Either everything is shared or nothing is.

I agree with this.

I'm feel like it's grabby too and told him so last night! (He does equal shares of housework, cooks, cleans etc). But works more hours and longer days, so I'm the main parent really)

I don't get why him making a gesture of £100 a month into a mortgage overpayments is unreasonable? (Considering he will be getting half of 80k). But he said he doesn't want to be 'beholden to me'.

He can't make it equal, I get that, he wishes is was, but it would feel more like we are a team tackling our future retirement plans together. He keeps talking logistics, I just want to feel like he is making a sacrifice, like I am, by sharing inheritance.

I kept saying last night, you want me to sacrifice my inheritance into the family pot, can you contribute £100 a month so it's like you are making a sacrifice too? So it feels like we are on the same team.

I'm feelings, he is logistics, and we went round and round and round last night and now I don't know what's right. I seem selfish not sharing it all freely, he seems grabby. Arghhhh

I haven't read all the replies so it might already have been mentioned, but in the UK inheritance is not normally considered marital assets so if you do put it towards paying off your mortgage you have to make sure that you write up an agreement saying that your inheritance is protected in the event of a divorce.

Either way, the £300/month I wouldn't touch until you have a considerable amount saved. If the boiler needs replacing or you need to tank it or buy new white goods you need a considerable buffer.

I think you should keep the inheritance yourself, it's not his money. His attitude is also quite shit. He doesn't want nice things for you, just for himself.

He doesn't see you as a team. He wants to keep his surplus and benefit from your surplus. The comment about him "earning" it and you not when both of you work full time and are married is telling.

Do you have children? If not think carefully before doing so with a man who doesn't see you as a team. Also ring fence that inheritance for the time being.

If all your finances aren't shared then why on earth are you giving him ANY of your inheritance?

I don't really understand why people bother getting married in this case, if you aren't a complete partnership then just live together instead? Rather than getting a legal contract that requires you to share everything anyway.

It is grabby. What yours is his and what's his is his. Have you considered putting a lump of money into a junior isa account for your child. That way no one can touch it and you've secured something for your child's future.