Inheritance dispute with husband

[icantwaitforsummer]

Both me and my husband work full time, he earns more than me and has more free cash at the end of every month. We have a mortgage and DC.

I had 2 family members die suddenly this year. Shit year, still processing it all.

One left me a small flat, just got a tenant in there and rental income will be about £300 a month after taxes fees etc. Hoping to keep it for 15 years and then give it to DC.

My mum died and left me a share of her house, (shared with siblings) so will be about 80k

I was hoping to put the £300 a month in a stocks and shares ISA and then in 10 years go part time/partially retired.

The other 80k share with my husband, he wants to buy an old flat, and we do it up as a 'project'. And use any money we make to overpay mortgage.

But he also thinks the £300 a month should pay off more of our mortgage in overpayments or go into the joint account each month and reduce his contributions.

AIBU in thinking if I keep a little bit for me is ok? And he could save more of his extra income or make mortgage overpayments but he has absolutely no interest in doing that.

He appears to be working on the old hippy philosophy of 'what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine'

He isn't willing to compromise so keep it all separate, he wants to solely benefit from YOUR inheritance and the fact you haven't worked for it means nothing, you have lost much loved people for it which imo is much harder.

Just because you feel conflicted about the inheritance ( you would prefer your people back I know ) they would want you to make the best of it for yourself, don't capitulate because of your feelings.
His argument is also based on feelings btw, he certainly has feelings about what would benefit him the most, and feelings are equally important to consider as logic is.

You’re not really listening to what we’re saying. There is no ‘arghhh’. You are being treated like a fool. The ‘I’m feelings and he’s logistics’ nonsense is the sort of trite rubbish that men have been using to control women for years. There’s nothing logical about his position.

I will repeat the question that has been asked a dozen times. As your money isn’t pooled, and he gets to have more spending money than you, why does he feel entitled to a share (or benefit from) your inheritance? Why is he entitled to your money when you’re not entitled to an equal share of his?

In your position, I’d put the rental income into an account to cover repairs/void periods and associated expenses. The 80k either into a stocks and shares ISA or a pension (or split between the two). I wouldn’t buy an investment property as frankly I suspect the tax implications would outweigh the benefits, and I wouldn’t put it into the mortgage for the reasons outlined above. Treat it as provision for your children and retirement, and not for now.

Me too….i find marriages with unshared finances very strange.

@icantwaitforsummer I'd take legal advice to secure your inheritance. He doesn't want to be a team. It would be a shame for your loved ones to leave you money to secure your future and for you not to have the benefit of that money.

He's not 'logistics', he is self invested. 'Beholden to you' wow....I don't think I could have let that remark go...

Also OP you really aren't going to get much worth having flat wise with £80k and this will then likely need work? Where's that money coming from if you've used it up buying somewhere? His suggestions are all in his favour

Now is the time to think with your head not your heart.
Don't be foolish
You need financial independence.
Protect yourself.

re the flat. If you gift it to DD in 15 years time, there will be CGT. A better idea is to do is to vary the will you inherited the flat from (there is a timeframe this can be done by) so that your DD inherits it - no tax.

with the money from you DM - this is yours. Invest in your future with it as DD is now very much helped. Frame it to your DH that you are going to use the money to even up the disparity in yours and his circumstances. Invest it in property/shares or a pension. But just as DH has extra money each month, this is your equivalent.

Or use this as an opportunity to restate how you and DH treat money. All in a pot, with equal personal spending, irrespective of contributions.

Just realised you do have children. So you have already taken a hit in earnings simply by bearing children, even if you returned to work early. What hit has he taken career wise as he built the capacity to get the greater earnings?

Keep your inheritance for now, prioritise your own pension and the DC. If matey wants to go all in with pooled resources now that you have something substantial he can make the case for it.

Stick to your original plans. Looks to me like you will need a safety cushion to fall back on, what with his attitude.

You are NOT selfish. The flat you are planning on buying will be your daughter's one day. The investments you are planning will make sure you are not dependent on anybody. Think of it this way.

What about when it wasn't fair, before you received your inheritances, when he had a lot more spending money.

How come that was OK, but now you have some money, it has to be 'fair'?

Look after yourself OP, I wouldn't trust him to do the right thing.

He doesn't want to feel beholden to you but is quite happy for you to be at a disadvantage to him......

If my DH wants to pay off our mortgage he spends less on himself and put spare money into the mortgage.

I inherited a similar sum as you, and DP was very much of the view that "It's your's - do whatever you think is best with it". I bought a house and he helped me renovate it. The rental income from it has enabled me to be able to work part time since we had our daughter, and he has been very supportive of that. It has given me such a better work / life balance. Its your money. I wouldn't make too many rush decisions about what to do, especially while you're grieving. I'd put it in premium bonds or something for now while you think about it and don't get coerced into doing anything you don't want to.

He's really showing his true colours here, isn't he.

If you put the 80k into the mortgage then it will benefit him hugely. He sounds quite selfish with his own salary - doesn't want to share that so much. Think very carefully before you do anything OP. If there's even the slightest chance you could split one day then don't be quick to put the money into joint assets.

I'd be tempted to keep all the money separate and put it into a pension or shares. I'd also be ensuring my will was updated to make sure any DC were beneficiaries to a good portion of your estate.

It's not logistics for him to pay less because he wants to and the mortgage is assumingly in both your names and therefore he's not beholden to you at all it's in both your interests to reduce it and both should assist with it.

I have a marriage where we both put a percentage of salary in but crucially we both examine it together every 4 months to check its right. I pay more for holidays for instance because I have a greater salary to do so and that goes into the holiday fund. Critically though we both have the same disposable income each month from our salaries and the rest goes into savings pots which are in separate names for tax purposes.

My DH also has a few diffetent savings methods as most of the money came from inheritance. In my mind that's his to decide what to do with as it was his relative which left it. But also I don't like stocks and shares where as he does. Crucially though if we needed some money we would both sit down to work out from where and how much. We work as a team.

It doesn't sound like your DH does.

I think a lot of people have a joint account for bills but have their own money also.

Let's be clear, it's not fair for person in a marriage to be struggling while the other person is doing well, or one person having to buy everything for the kids while the other parent does not contribute where they are both earning.

But I personally can't understand people only having a joint account and no account of their own. We both quickly decided that we wanted to be able to buy our own stuff without the other person querying what we'd spent and why, while paying for joint expenses together and in proportion to earnings. I guess joint accounts only works if one person is wholly financially supported by the other.

OP, I think you need to have a cards on the table discussion about finances and future plans in general.

Surely it benefits both hugely if they are both paying the mortgage? DH was gifted some money by his parents and put some of it towards paying off the mortgage. It benefits all of us as we have more money left over at the month.

Exactly this.

Is he sharing the back years of ‘extra money’ he’s had?!

Money from a flat rented out is earned (as it's not as easy as it looks) so it's 100% yours.

I don’t think there’s enough info here to really judge what is fair. You say he earns more and has more spare cash, but at the end you also insinuate he’s paying more into the joint account.

If he is earning a lot more AND paying a lot more into your joint account/covering more of your family expenses, then yes I can see why he wouldn’t see it fair that you get given a pay rise and yet get to keep that all for yourself so you can retire early and contribute even less.

If you were contributing jointly to the joint account then I’d say yes, it’s your free cash to do what you want with.

What's his is his what's yours is shared? Haha nope!