Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

Yes I wish I’d been more proactive. The skin was ok from aged 13-15ish with cream, but then the cream stopped working. Then Covid happened and appointments were limited. Then we had GCSE’s to focus on. I think around this point she had tried 1 type of contraceptive pill and antibiotic but neither really had much effect and she stopped taking the pills without telling anyone.

I wanted her to get it sorted before starting college but at that point I couldn’t make gp appts for her as she was 16 and they wouldn’t speak to me. She also had gynae issues which we focussed more on.

i do wish I’d insisted on the skin issue but she was nervous of roaccutaine because of the side effects and because she was competing highly at her sport so didn’t want to detract from that

I would have done what I could to help them with their skin and teeth issues. Most definitely. No matter what we might like to think - appearances do matter. It's not too late to help them seek advice with their skin and maybe look into cost of braces.

You need better friends.

It’s depressing as fuck how we as women are only deemed worthy by our looks.

Thanks for the interesting comments.

To further expand on the friend’s comments which made me feel a bit uneasy (not that they were aimed at my dd’s at all)… they were all saying how their sons preferred naturally good looking girls who don’t pile on loads of makeup and it made me sad when I thought that mine do trowel on makeup a bit, but mainly to cover their acne. I mean my girls would prefer to not have to wear any but feel societal pressure to not be seen with inflamed skin. And of course girls who are naturally pretty with lovely skin and features can get away with no makeup.

I wanted to speak up and was a bit cross that I didn’t as I just felt really sad for girls generally who are judged so harshly and held to unrealistic beauty standards by celebs/ magazines etc.

My mum never really showed me how to do hair and make up. I did feel a bit left behind and like I wished I had some of this knowledge in my terms/early 20s.

But now in my (very late) 30s I am pleased I haven't spent a collective inordinate amount of time doing hair and make up, I still don't use more than tinted moisturiser and I am fine with how I look.

I don't mean to imply everyone that uses e.g. make up is insecure , but for me at the time when I did wish I could improve my appearance that did stem from insecurity, and being able to doll myself up wouldn't have made that insecurity go away.

We knew nothing about it either as neither dh or I suffered from anything more than the occasional teenage pimple. Roaccutane can be unpleasant. ds had very sore and dry lips and a bit of fatigue. But it is short term pain for long term gain (hopefully) especially if the acne is severe and/or likely to scar/worsen/spread. ds had it on his back, neck, chest and shoulders by the time we got a private appointment.

Although everyone is very different, his course was 22 weeks, but it was only the last 8 weeks or so it was very bad for him - especially his lips which got infected, his friends were very supportive and he is glad he did it as he has clear skin now.

I think having nice teeth is important and it is a shame your daughter doesn’t like to smile. The rest is not important but I think you should have found a way to give her the option of wearing a brace.

Yes I wish I had, I didn’t want to push it too much as an issue but realise now that may have been badly judged. To be honest it has gone worse since uni I think (skin), and I honestly didn’t think her teeth were that bad, but perhaps should have listened more

I think there’s a bit of a distinction between being appearance driven and feeling deserving of things, I’m struggling to articulate it really.
My family very rarely go the doctors or dentist unless it’s absolutely necessary and you drag them there kicking and screaming, because we was raised with a “I don’t want to bother people” attitude. Whereas others will make the drs appt and have their regular check ups with opticians and dentists because they care about themselves enough to make the effort.
Im 100% not saying that you haven’t made an effort reading through your updates, but I definitely think some people are a bit more proactive with things then others, and this sets a tone/standard for things in adult life.
I had bad dental work done in my early teens and my front teeth were left to turn black and my parents never took me the dentist to insist on them being crowned and I spent my early 20’s never smiling with my teeth. I had to pay privately to get them crowned and whitened. In retrospect my mum should of said we’re getting this sorted and made the appointments I think.

I really would give minimal attention to this sexist nonsense.

I think you should have sorted the skin and teeth when they were younger. My exBIL has terrible acne scars in his 40s, and is miserably self conscious about them. He also has terribly crooked teeth- he hides both under a bushy beard, your daughters won't have that option!
My 11yr old DS has braces, they are expensive but there is a payment plan, and I think it's worth it. There are so many things for teens and young adults to feel self conscious about, at least his teeth won't be one. If he inherits his dad's acne prone skin, I will make sure we sort it via GP/dermatologist.
I would encourage you to advise your daughters re their badly applied make up too. You don't have to be mean about it but would t you rather know?

Don't worry. You did your best and I think your daughters will catch up with others. It'll just take a few years.

My parents were always very negative about any focus on appearance at all. They would mock a lot of more feminine things (long hair, makeup, nail polish, clothes) and didn't help as much as they could have with acne and other medical issues. I do feel like we had a great childhood but were limited in our opportunity to explore and express ourselves as teens. However, with a bit of experimenting my sister and I worked it out eventually in our early 20s.

Right then OP, being proactive, there are loads of things you can do now, re the skin and teeth. So act now.

Many MN'ers will know the trauma of bad skin, its soul destroying and can dominate your every waking thought. I hear what you say about the friends comments re girls being caked in makeup ( many of them are! And loads have mahoosive fake lashes). I have been lucky in that whilst being no beauty, always had oily but clear skin, so 1 swipe of tinted moisturiser and I'm ready for work in minutes.

Sorry OP skin and dental are basic health needs.
Appearance is the first thing people notice about you.
Dermatologists is who you see regarding skin issues not a GP.
Yes people pay thousands and yes people push for treatment exactly because appearance matters in both men and women.
I’d be apologizing and helping with referrals.

It’s a difficult one because I think it is more sixth sense/instinct rather than anything specific.

It’s a feeling that despite everything that dd1 has going for her (doing a competitive course at a top university, having lots of really lovely friends etc) that she doesn’t seem hugely happy or motivated. This could be tied in with the past 2 years of sports injuries which have kept her from competing at a high level in her sport which has been her whole life for 10 years and is why she’s at the uni she is at on a scholarship. It could also e that she was developing a relationship with a boy who seemed pretty keen, and she was massively keen on him but then it went wrong which has now destroyed the good friendship they once had. I feel that this was tied up in her lack of self esteem in her looks as she could never believe he was interested as he was a bit older and she felt he was a different league to her in looks and experience, when actually he seemed genuinely keen on her.

DD2 is trickier as has only just started uni and is still finding her feet. She is generally doing pretty well, but is not branching out as much as I thought she would in terms of making friends and joining things and prefers the safety of her halls, which is hugely different to how she was at home as she loved going out. I was shocked at how she looked when I saw her recently as she was very thin, despite assuring me that she’s eating and looked pale and tired. She was thin to start with, so it worried me a bit, but she says I’m overthinking.

That was very shallow so I wouldn't pay attention to that.

The only thing that I personally think warrants the money are braces. Good teeth go a huge way towards confidence as well as oral health

As to the acne, depends how bad it is but they need to go to the GP. Some cures are very drastic so they need to discuss with a doctor

I hope you get the balance right, it’s tricky!

With the benefit of hindsight I may do things differently.

Not acne. If the answer is Roaccutane then she's best with a GP first

It would have been a stretch to pay but we probably could have managed it. We went private for gynae issues after going round in circles with nhs and private with ongoing sport injury which gp said was nothing and didn’t warrant and X-ray despite dd not being able to weightbear properly and turned out to be a fracture. We had to pay for private scans and consultation.

Gp eventually referred her to dermatology. Dermatology discharged her as when she went the skin didn’t look bad enough for roacutane. It is worse now.

Their teenage years would have been affected by the pandemic, that's a pretty major disruption for teenagers. I don't think you're to blame for them to being the way they are now. Though it does seem they still feel a little bitter about the skin issues. Perhaps you could offer to pay for some treatments? Don't be hard on yourself though . We all (most of us) do our best when we can.

In these circumstances i don't think it would be at all helpful to say "actually I've been thinking and we would like to help you with orthodontic treatment" or buy skincare or similar for Christmas. If my mum had done that I would have heard (and did hear) "you're ugly/I want you to look different)

I would pile on the love. If you think DD1 seems a bit down then maybe say that to her and ask if there is anything she's worried about.

Dd2 it's a bit tricky as you say she is already fending you off. Is there a pastoral officer at uni?

No to me they are equally attractive as their peers, but the difference is that their peers seem generally more contented/happy/self-assured. Their peers have grown in confidence whereas I worry that mine have shrunk.

They are both attractive girls.

OP! Here's the thing - life isn't all roses. When we are very young,we can be happy most of the time as long as our home is safe, our parents good enough and our school supportive.

However,as we get older normal human emotions will inflict us!

I know you desperately want to.protect your children and ensure they are always happy. But that is simply not realistic

Part of becoming an adult is learning that it's ok not to be ok sometimes. 18 to 24 is a time of massive transition, and it is normal to feel sad at points during that period, to lack confidence, to experience anxiety etc..

The best thing you can do for your girls is to be there if they need you, but otherwise step back.

Don't try and get rid of their emotions for them. Don't try and make them happy by seeking to take away whatever makes them sad/anxious etc... That will only teach them they should be happy and it's not ok to feel sad.

Allow them to feel a range of human emotions. To have sad weeks, to have months of poor confidence. They will learn ways to cope and come through it. It is a normal.part of growing up and as parents we have to accept that, like us, our children will not always be blissfully happy and confident. That's ok

@Watermelon212 if they expressed these feelings would you immediately equate them with appearance? As I said, if they wanted beauty products or treatments they can buy them or ask you for them as a bday/Xmas gift.
If they haven't mentioned it then I wouldn't assume it's that relevant.
Hopefully if they were upset or feeling like something was lacking in their lives they could talk to you? It's very common for teens to lack confidence.
Those that do have it, well, let's just say it's often vastly misplaced.
We all thought we were hideous as teens, surely? I look back on it now with a wry laugh, talking to my younger self 'listen luv, if you think you're ugly now it'll only get worse' 🤣