Should I have spent more on my dds’ appearance?

[Watermelon212]

I have 2 dd’s 20 and 18 both now at uni.

Growing up they were confident and talented, both in different areas- one in sports, the other in the arts and both pretty academic so enjoyed school. We sailed through early teens fairly easily, the odd friendship issue, but generally no major problems and I was proud that they were confident and outgoing as I was not at that age.

I have never really focussed too much on physical appearance, obviously have bought clothes they wanted, paid for haircuts and eyebrows and nails occasionally but not really anything else because I am fairly low maintenance myself and never really have anything done myself except for hair and eyebrows.

I am worried now that both dd’s seem to be lacking self esteem and confidence for some reason, despite being happy and having friends at uni and enjoying their courses. It’s almost like as their peers have blossomed and gained in confidence and matured and mine have regressed. It’s difficult to explain, but when I see them it feels like they are still about 15/16, whereas their friends seem much more mature and self assured.

I Secretly worry that this is related to appearance, and that maybe I have been naive and should have focussed more on this, despite neither of my dd’s being very interested at the time.

For example, my 18 year old still has braces (for 3 years now) because of the delay during covid and I know she hates this. My other dd hates her teeth but didn’t qualify or free braces so now never smiles with her teeth so always looks miserable. At the time she asked for braces but it would have cost thousands and although we could have stretched ourselves to afford it, it didn’t seem important enough, but now I wonder if I should have? Her teeth are not horrible, just not perfect, but it seems everyone else does have perfect teeth.

Both dd’s have hormonal acne, when they were younger I took them to the gp, but we never found anything that worked long term. Only short term fixes. Now they are adults I can’t really help, only advise them to try again, but that doesn’t always go down well, so it’s easier not to mention it. I wonder should I have paid to go private, but again I didn’t realise the potential long term impact. They do wear makeup but it only covers it a bit, and they end up with a rim around the edge which doesn’t look good, but I haven’t mentioned this because I don’t want to seem critical.

I do pay for contact lenses for one, and will for the other too if she wants to. And highlights once or twice a year as presents.

I suppose my AIBU is, should I have done more/paid more on appearance enhancements when they were younger or was I right to focus on other things. Have I ruined their self esteem, or is it related to other things? Would they be happier if they felt happier with how they looked and have I now missed the boat? Is there anything I can do now?

Neither has had a long term boyfriend , but they do both have lovely supportive friends. To me they are both beautiful and stunning, but they don’t seem to see this themselves.

How is that spiteful? She's the one who wishes her dds were more confident, while acknowledging she had the money to do something about medical issues that she thinks are now impacting her dds confidence and she didn't bother. So yeah, she should have done more to help her daughters if she now wants to bemoan the fact they don't have much confidence.

Still don't know how that's spiteful. I'm agreeing with her.

Because op can't go back in time.

I'm like you OP. We were raised not really learning anything about looks at home and just doing well academically.all good and fine but it does catch up with a girls self confidence. I'm all for being happy in your own skin and if they weren't bothered but you were I'd tell you to back off.
But they are and like I was, and wish my parents had stepped up to help abit around issues like this instead of figuring it all out for myself.
Braces- I too was refused them by a parent and its given me a lifelong complex about my teeth. Everyone has a nice smile and it's just something that does bother me and I've had to get fixed later on in life as a adult.
Skin- get a referral for a dermatologist. For years gps fobbed me off with its natural you'll grow out of it etc but there were other things going on causing acne and no it wasn't normal at 20+. I needed roaccutane and it was a few months of treatment in my late 20's and it really really helped my self confidence re skin. I wish I'd done it sooner. I did have to advocate heavily for myself because they like to push back but keep pushing for it and be vocal of how it's affecting their confidence etc .

OMG!

Was this on the NHS and possibly be motivated by cost saving rather than actual research?
I’m living through it now in my 30s - recurring cavities in the same spots that are difficult to clean even with a water jet, a tooth being fragile because another wonky one was pushing on it (fillings in this tooth were always mysteriously falling out after 2 years or so, now after extracting the wonky one no more issues like that)etc.
My aunt is in her 60s and has been struggling with face and neck pain ultimately caused by a bad bite due to misaligned teeth. I know this is limited sample size but it makes me very sceptical of this “newest research “

so one has low esteem because she has braces, the other one has low esteem because she doesn't?

I have had a similar issue with my DS and his skin, he’s 21 but has struggled with spots a fair bit. The first time I mentioned it he told me it didn’t matter and to stop nagging. Nothing changed and one day I mentioned it again snd he immediately called the Gp and is now getting sorted.

Like you I am not hugely into maintenance and my DD wasn’t bothered about brows, nails etc but she’s just kind of figured it all out. She’s very natural looking and tbh she’d rather be outside covered in mud than preening herself. She’s a camping, outdoorsy girl but does make an effort when she goes out but still minimal make-up and never fake lashes etc. She did go through a poor blending phase and I gently told her and she realised.

My DD isn’t particularly confident but who is st their age. I bet the fake girls aren’t deep down.

Your friends sound weird! Sorry! But “their children will be beautiful” so strange!

Well she's the one who asked the question and I'm saying yes, she should have done more.

Are you always so sensitive?

Maybe you could have got braces, but I have (and still have at 36 to a degree) hormonal acne and it’s not necessarily something you can always ‘sort’. Or if it is, you pay in other ways.

Even the teeth, much of that is just the insecurity of becoming an independent adult out in the world. I imagine if her teeth were perfect, there would be something else to be insecure about.

And as for your friends’ sons, how shallow and disappointing. As the mother of sons, I do everything I can to move my boys away from this mindset!

I think you’ve done the right thing in not focusing on their looks, and that any insecurity and self esteem issues will ease with age. I’d do the same if I had daughters and wish my mum would have done that same with me!

I work at a university and see students all the time in braces. I have also met a woman in her late 50s with them! It's not too late.

Hormonal acne is a very tricky subject to bring up. You don't want to mention it in case it upsets them but maybe they need the push. I would say if they say anything to you, tell them "I think you're beautiful, but if it bothers you, let's make a doctor's appointment" and do it asap.

Honestly though your girls are still really young. At that age even after going to uni I had no sense of my own style and no confidence in myself and I probably came across the same way!

Point them in the direction of prescription strength tretinoin from the likes of Demratica. Really cheap and amazing for adult acne. Finally got rid of mine after 20 years of suffering.

Could you help your daughter afford braces?

I don't think you have done anything wrong OP. They are young adults and if they now choose to focus more closely on their appearance, that's their choice. It's definitely not too late. If they are not overly interested, they will still find their niche in life, somewhere they fit in There are many successful environments for women who choose not to focus on their looks. Their lives are theirs to shape as they choose.
I think your friend has unnerved you with her focus on her son's girlfriend's looks. What if the girl is stupid or just a horrid person? What if she is a bad mother to these good looking grandchildren your friend is looking forward to? Looks are an advantage in life, of course, but other things matter much more.

Completely agree. Those friends are modelling their own poor self-esteem and the need for other people to validate and bolster them by having so-called attractive children. It's pathetic.

How am I sensitive? 😂
I think the op is getting some unhelpful comments, lots of " I would have" comments
Who knew when she was bringing up her daughters that today's society would be so obsessed with looking fake and as similar as possible to the next person?!
Fake hair nails and filler really wasn't a "thing" back then, neither were Turkey teeth or filing down your own teeth often in a foreign country to have huge white teeth applied on top .
Op can not go back in time
HTH

I am going to go against the grain.

I wouldn’t worry about the braces because their teeth aren’t that crooked and white healthy teeth matter more.

I think you should just gift them a skin specialist for their acne and say you got a facial and felt amazing and wanted them too.

Sometimes when you don’t know what it’s like to feel good you just sort of forget about it. Maybe they just need a bit of a boost.

It’s okay to take pride in your appearance and feel good and it’s okay to inspire this.

I think you should have made more of an effort with the acne and paying for braces.
Money on lashes, nails etc is not near then same.
Some of mine took different medications for their acne and it really helped them. Not just visually but their skin had been painful so it was a relief that pain/ comfortableness was gone.
If you have the funds, I would suggest talking to your daughter about helping her get braces. She might only need them for her bottom teeth. A repayment plan might help.

I think you should pay for braces for your dd who isn’t happy with her teeth

@Watermelon212 you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

If your daughters have hormonal acne, they need to see a GP/Dermatologist. You can book the appointment but you can't make them go and you can't make them take the meds.

You can give them money but you can't make them go get facials and peels.

You can give them money but you can't make them get teeth whitening or get them to brush their teeth regularly.

It takes effort to be one of those bottle blonde, fake tanned, white turkey-teethed girls who trot around in Skims with their Stanley bottles and stupid amount of keys/keyrings jangling.

Boys may like the porn star look but real girls just don't look like that all the time.

Your girls can dress up and attract the superficial driven lad types or they can work on themselves to be happy and live life to the full and attract a real life partner who wants them for their personalities and not because they have a fully waxed minge and 3 inch long nails.

You can pay for all of it but its not going to help your daughters if they don't make the effort, don't maintain it all and simply do not feel their worth and beauty.

This is interesting to me, as like you I'm not really knowledgeable about make up and fashion. More of a jeans and t-shirt, practical type of lady.

I'm not yet at the parenting stage you are at, but I will probably sort braces out as I didn't have them and do feel embarrassed about my teeth. I always planned to get braces for myself but something always crops up money wise and haven't been able to. So it has been a hindrance to me not having had them done in my youth.

I have always thought as I have little knowledge of makeup that a nice bonding thing to do and also useful for them would be to attend a short block of make up evening classes together.

My nearest city is Glasgow and I know the colleges there run all sorts of evening classes including a make up one like this one: https://www.glasgowclyde.ac.uk/courses/6485-makeup/5839

Is something like that possible near you? It would give you some quality time together and they'd get good advice, so you wouldn't need to critique them. Might be enjoyable for you all to do together.

Regarding your friends being pleased with girlfriends looks, I think that's bad on their part and poor form.

A person is more than their looks and sounds like you gave your girls a lot of experiences to build their character, and character is more important in my opinion.

I do think parents are responsible for sorting out crooked teeth. The OP said they could have paid but it was expensive so trey didn't bother. To me that is weird.
Equally the whole attitude towards the acne seemed very unbothered. As a parent I would have 100% gone the extra mile for these things. To prevent scarring as well.

To say, well they are adults so it's their problem now whilst true doesn't address the point that yes, I think the OP was lacking in this area. They should have been dealt with when they were young

Hi, OP -

If DD is reluctant to try roaccutane or further contraceptive pills then a retinoid seems worth a go. These are topical only but for many they will reduce acne by up to 90%

Dermatica and Skin and Me are aimed more at adult women and are £25-30/mo. They talk a lot about bespoke formulae but in reality they have a few basic ones. They do increase the tretinoin slowly to minimise irritation. Uncouth is aimed more at YP, probably the variety of formulae is smaller, it is known for great customer service. Slightly cheaper I think. Again, a tret based subscription service.

The GP can prescribe tret + a topical antibiotic, in a single cream. Sadly tret itself is not available in the UK by prescription or otherwise. It seems easy to order online from abroad, sometimes dirt cheap, according to sources on the Style and Beauty forum. I think the quality is probably fine but technically this is not legal. No judgment but I am a coward

Personally I think Boots Online trifarotene hits the sweet spot as described in my PP, but you can see that there are lots of options

BTW with retinoids many have a period of worse skin before it clears up

The question wasn't about fillers and fake hair.

It was about braces and acne treatment.

And yep, you're very sensitive - saying my comment was spiteful because i agreed with her that she should have done more to help her daughters to get medical treatment for things that cause low self esteem. She said she could have afforded it.

She can't go back in time but she can stop judging her dds for their low self esteem.

It's tough being a mum. We're always wracked with guilt aren't we?

What's done is done, but they're still very young and if you can help them now you should.

You could approach them gently to help sort out these basics which can have a detrimental impact on confidence - not just in relationships but career wise too.

Hormonal acne is a blight and for some never goes away, wrecks and scars skin and confidence. Accutane works very well and is available on the NHS. I had it in my early twenties and wish I'd had it earlier. You may have to help them push for it though as they'll have to be referred for it. I always wished my mother had paid privately for mine instead of having to wait years on the wait list - but you can only do what your finances stretch to. Being free of acne is so liberating and confidence boosting. I bet they'd love not to have to wear makeup every day to cover the sore bumps and scarring. Makeup should be fun, but for those with acne it's like a hateful mask you're perpetually imprisoned in.

As for braces, see if you can support a financial payment plan for that. As students they're going to be on a very tight budget. Note though that they'll have to wear retainer braces every/most nights longterm to keep them straight! No point scrimping to find the money if they won't do that.

Don't berate yourself. We can only do what we think is right at the time. Hopefully, you can help sort out these things now. All the best.

Really interesting thread.

I'm from a big family but my mother would have filed teeth and skin under health and well-being rather than as an appearance enhancer as you described in the OP.

My brothers had serious acne and she took them out of school for a dermatologist appt so that they could get roaccutane- only way to get it at that time ( I'm in my 40's), the orthodontist was cheaper two hours away so that was where we went.

Don't be too hard on yourself but it is never too late to try again.

Good luck