To find school rule silly?

[Skymum36]

So DD is in year 1. Last year in reception we were allowed to take the children to their class as it was right next to the gate in the playground. However, from year 1 onwards, the classrooms go further into the school and we are supposed to drop them in the playground so that they can walk theirselves to the classrooms. I think it was introduced during Covid as parents with older siblings have said it’s only been a thing the last couple of years, however they have apparently kept it on to ‘promote independence’.
I would have no issue with this, except from the fact that DD and numerous other children seem to get really anxious about going in by theirselves and there are tears every morning, yet the head teacher/teachers will not let parents past the gate to make sure that they are ok. Another students mum told me that it was affecting her son’s morning to the point he didn’t want to go to school because it made him anxious in the morning. I find myself struggling at the gate every day now trying to convince DD to walk in but she just gets upset and refuses and asks me to take her, I then have to wait for a teacher to spot me struggling so that they will walk her in. There has been quite a few heated debates between parents and teachers from where they literally point blank will not let parents past (yet it’s fine on pick up?).
The thing is I know it isn’t that big of a deal to some, but the majority of them are still only 5 years old. DD is quite an anxious child, and I just feel like this little rule sets her up for the day wrong when it wouldn’t change a thing to just be able to walk them in.
Is it a rule in anyone else’s school? AIBU to think it just seems a bit unneeded?

We found a very set conversation helped with the transition. Such as "we will walk to school, at the gate we will have a quick hug and you walk in. I will be there at 3.15 to pick you up. It's ok if you feel sad those feelings are ok. What snack shall I bring with me for pick up?"

Thank you so so much. This is incredibly useful advice! I have actually print screened it so it’s now to hand on my phone.
I had not heard of visual stories before this thread so thank you again, will definitely be giving them a go!
Really appreciate your advice. If it’s a common thing then I do completely get that it’s fair enough, so your reply with ways to tackle it was exactly what I needed, thank you 🙏🏼

That’s the thing, I feel like it just automatically sets her up for a bad day. She loves learning (will choose to read a book over watching tv a lot of the time) and she does really well at school, I just don’t want this little part of the day to cloud her opinion of school. And exactly that! If it had just been a couple of weeks I wouldn’t of written this post, it’s just it has been months now and nothing is changing and so that’s why I don’t know what else to do. 😕
They do have a pastoral team so I think what you’ve suggested would be a good idea. I don’t expect them to make any adjustments just for my daughter but maybe just someone stood at the gate just to make sure that they go in and can’t follow us back out! Which in turn may hopefully reduce the severity of the issue at the gate, as I feel like from where it takes such a long time having to wait for someone to help, that time spent there creates even more anxiety if that makes sense?
I’ve actually never considered it could be signs of SEN. She’s always been anxious but I’ve put that down to the fact I was exactly the same as a child. She is very anxious about things like going upstairs to grab something from her room on her own, but again, I can remember being like that when I was younger. Her teachers have said that she is quite quiet at school, but no issues have been raised.
Her little brother is the complete opposite though, he is 2 now and I’ve had to buy reins for him as he’s a huge flight risk when out, he also runs into preschool without saying goodbye or looking back 🫣
I’d say there’s between 5-7 of them that do it, some more then others and some that will eventually go in whilst some have to wait at the gate like me until a teacher comes to help.

Thank you so much though, I do agree some people seem to expect them to be little robots who have no worries or fears just because their peers don’t worry about the same situations!

There will be staff at the gate.

There definitely isn’t 🫣

It was like that during Covid but it sort of gradually relaxed and now you can take them in or not. I only tend to go in with my DD7 if she's got a lot of stuff to carry (like today as she has both PE and Forest School) but some take their kids right to the classroom even if they're in year 6!

I think it probably poses a risk of safety in a number of respects if parents can go into the school with children.

Overcrowding in the classroom, very difficult for teachers to watch all the children and that they don't try to leave again to follow their parents. Also the longer you are parked outside of a school the more traffic congestion.

We were allowed to do it the first couple of weeks of reception class and it was chaos. Since then all children are left at the gate - a teacher is there to greet them and then they walk into their classroom where a teacher/ta is.

aw good luck, let me know if I can be any more help xxx

I would definitely speak to the teacher again (when you ask about getting photos for the visual story maybe?) and ask if she has any other suggestions, she may not have grasped how hard your child is finding it if she's not seeing it first hand, but she should be made aware if multiple children are having similar issues. I find it hard to believe that the school doesn't have anything available to help with this kind of thing as things like visual stories are commonly helpful for ASD kids, but you may need to speak to the senco to get access to it (in my opinion things like this should be available for all kids anyway, why not smooth transitions for everyone, not just the kids that get so overwhelmed that it impacts the class?).

Just to add, for my child it is very important for him to feel heard. Me acknowledging he's finding something hard and trying to help makes all the difference. Telling him to stop crying and get on with it would not help in our situation. Most of these things don't last long once we've found a way of smoothing the transition, mine runs in with barely a backward glance now 99% of days and the 1% harder days are very easily soothed.

The issue with 'everyone lining up together' is that most schools have a 'window' of time in the morning to come in.

My school (like most schools) open the doors at 8.30 and children start to come in from then until 8.50, when the gate is locked. So if staff were to have to wait outside and line up, we'd be outside for 20 minutes just waiting for everyone! Which is ridiculous, especially in wet/cold weather.

Gone are the days when 'school starts at 9am' and everyone arrived on time, at 9, and the head came out with the big old bell and rang it!

This 'soft start' to the day (which was brought in to accommodate those children who do find school starts more challenging!) means that the we do have to have the longer start to the day...not a '9am, line up, all in together' approach!

We just can't win can we? 🤷‍♀️

You've had some useful replies already. I would just add that when kids struggle it's very normal for that to go under the radar to other parents. PPs are saying every single child at their school is always fine... maybe, but I've never known a school that doesn't have a few nervous ones going in early, or via the school office, or by a discreet side gate into the learning support office etc. These things are kept quiet because if everyone knew about them, they'd have 20 parents beating the door down for their child to have it too. There is highly likely to be some sort of support system available. Ask school what else they can do - they may well already have a social story etc. You may just need to step up from where you are to the next level of support, not reinvent the wheel.

Being given a special job to do in class or having a token/teddy in their class or in their pocket are always worth trying. I've sewn things into pockets and cuffs, all sorts. But you don't have to solve it on your own.

School should be able to help with the visual story. I've heard them referred to as social stories as well. They work very well with children who struggle with transitions. I've found actual photos of the place or person work better than abstract pictures 😊

Yabu, if you are making a thing of it so will DC

The deputy head at my DD’s school stands on the gate every morning from 8.40-9.00. When it’s cold he wears a coat and when it’s wet he holds an umbrella. I’ve even seen him sporting a snazzy little woolly hat at times. It’s far from ridiculous.

On the visual stories point - they are definitely a good idea. Is it also worth practicing her being able to walk a little way on her own in other situations as well? I.e. maybe she does happily and it's just this specific situation in school, but equally maybe she is never unaccompanied otherwise so this is a more unusual situation so harder to cope with? Obviously it's difficult because you mainly won't want her out of your sight from a safety perspective but it might be worth thinking about if there are ways you can introduce that independence in other environments so it's not just that school time that she's totally alone.

I do absolutely see that it sounds like you have done all the baseline sensible things to try and get her happy, and having her sobbing every morning isn't the solution.

If I were you I would perhaps also be trying to arrange a (temporary) compromise with school, as it does sound like you have tried most things. E.g. to start with you come to a point where she can see you from where she leaves you to go to the classroom, or a staff member walks with her to that point or something. They might not agree but I can see why you'd ask. But ultimately it has to be a transitional arrangement rather than a permanent or semi permanent one.

@CorbyTrouserPress yes of course a member of staff ALWAYS stands on the gate to welcome the children for the entire time. 🤦‍♀️

My point was, that the OP is suggesting everyone waits outside and lines up together...so for the entire 20 minutes that children arrive, they all have to stay outside, along with every teacher (as they would all need supervising) for 20 minutes, until everyone had arrived then line up and go in all together. Which would be ridiculous 🤷‍♀️

As it is now, a member of staff stands at the gate (or at my school , 4 members of staff stand at the 4 different gates!) for 20 minutes and the children arrive in dribs and drabs between 8.30 and 8.50, go straight inside where their teacher is, and start some 'early morning work' until everyone is there. Much more sensible.

This reminds me of a girl in my class who was known locally as “The Little Parcel”.

From the age of 5 her mother would put her on the bus into town on her own. The child wore a large label on the front of her coat bearing the name of her school so that bus drivers or passengers could put her off at the right stop.

The process was reversed at the end of the day. Her teacher would simply turn the label around so that the child's address was now displayed and this enabled her to make her own way home by bus.

I'm certainly not recommending this method of getting children to school...!! However I do think most youngster are much more naturally resilient than a lot of MNers seem to believe or allow them to be.

Op I think people are assuming you are dropping off your child to a playground where staff are waiting, and maybe classes are lining up to go in. That's what usually happens.
Leaving your child to go around the outside of the building to a door you cannot see, is a safeguarding issue. It means that there is a time when no adult has sight of your child. And there is no adult on gatekeeper duty.
I would not be happy with that.

If the school isn't helpful... donyou know the parents if any girls in Yr5 or Yr6? Many would be very happy to be a "Big Sister" and get a shy 5yo to the right place.

why all this mollycoddling sending them to school? they could be being useful being chimneysweeps or down t'pit

just because things happened in the past and kids survived it doesn't mean it was better. "not dead" or "doesn't speak about it" is a fairly low bar on the emotional wellbeing scale and surviving the experience and learning not to complain is not the same as happy resilient child. If a 5 year old is distressed by the same thing on a daily basis then there is nothing wrong with their parent wanting to help them to not be distressed by the experience.

It's funny how people on MN are so accommodating when it's a fully grown adult with anxiety issues and are the first to cry 'but mental health!' Yet when it's a 5 year old child, you're basically told to 'man up' and get on with it. I'm also uncomfortable with posters blaming the OP and saying it's your fault, you're making her like this.

Obviously it's great if children are happy to go in by themselves and can show independence and resilience at a young age but not all children are able to do this. Some might have a little wobble and you can say come on you can do this and they'll settle down after a few days but if your child is getting really upset every day, this isn't good for them and will make them not want to go to school. The school need to work with you to come up with a plan to help her. Hopefully it'll be short term and she'll be running in happily with the other children before long but clearly this is upsetting your child every day and I wouldn't be happy with this

We wait outside the gate and then when they open the gates children go in. Reception children are walked to a different gate by parents (this gate is about a foot from classroom door) and then walk in when the teacher opens the gate. DS attends a preschool on the school grounds and that is also drop at the gate and the children walk across the small playground to the door.

Parents can drop children off at the playground gate and stand and watch them go into school, but that's as far as it goes.
It used to be an absolute nightmare with parents standing in the lines with their children and engaging teachers in "urgent" conversations while half the children had gone into school.

Much better with the new system.

Except the OP has stated that there is no member of staff on the gate, so this clearly doesn’t ALWAYS happen for the entire time.

Where did the OP suggest everyone should line up outside for 20 mins with every teacher?

Another thought OP - do some googling and see if there were lockdown dropoff videos posted for the various classes, our school did them and although they're not linked to on the school website anymore they are still there to find if you search, that might help to watch together and talk about the route she takes going in?