To find school rule silly?

[Skymum36]

So DD is in year 1. Last year in reception we were allowed to take the children to their class as it was right next to the gate in the playground. However, from year 1 onwards, the classrooms go further into the school and we are supposed to drop them in the playground so that they can walk theirselves to the classrooms. I think it was introduced during Covid as parents with older siblings have said it’s only been a thing the last couple of years, however they have apparently kept it on to ‘promote independence’.
I would have no issue with this, except from the fact that DD and numerous other children seem to get really anxious about going in by theirselves and there are tears every morning, yet the head teacher/teachers will not let parents past the gate to make sure that they are ok. Another students mum told me that it was affecting her son’s morning to the point he didn’t want to go to school because it made him anxious in the morning. I find myself struggling at the gate every day now trying to convince DD to walk in but she just gets upset and refuses and asks me to take her, I then have to wait for a teacher to spot me struggling so that they will walk her in. There has been quite a few heated debates between parents and teachers from where they literally point blank will not let parents past (yet it’s fine on pick up?).
The thing is I know it isn’t that big of a deal to some, but the majority of them are still only 5 years old. DD is quite an anxious child, and I just feel like this little rule sets her up for the day wrong when it wouldn’t change a thing to just be able to walk them in.
Is it a rule in anyone else’s school? AIBU to think it just seems a bit unneeded?

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. X

Thank you, I kept getting the feeling people weren’t understanding the situation I was trying to explain 😅

I wonder if it would work better if the parents were supporting the school in this, rather than openly shouting at staff about it being wrong / their child can't / we don't like this rule ...

Whilst everyone is saying this is normal, I don't think it is normal to let the anxious kids struggle. At all our DC's schools, parents weren't allowed in, but the anxious kids would be taken in early and would be given a job to focus on.

This is the rule at our school

Exactly, I would love for them to just show a little bit of support, I know it falls down to me as her parent but just something little to help whilst we worked on things before her view on school is clouded. I am trying my best, I’ve spoken to her about her worries and explained why the school like them to be all grown up and go in by themselves, I’ve encouraged her like literally made our own chant for on our way to school, I’ve even offered a ‘Friday treat’ for going in which I’m not sure if I should of been using bribery but had to try! I’ve tried with her friends taking her in but sometimes it just makes them have a wobble as well or sometimes as she still refuses to go in it can make that child parents not be able to get away as they haven’t yet gone through the gate yet when they need to get to work themselves etc. Yet any time I have spoken to the school their response is always ‘she’ll get there with time and it will make her independent’, it’s not a case of me helicopter parenting at all but what do you do in a situation like this? I’ve tried walking away and she follows me crying her eyes out 😕

I can relate to this in some way. In reception, every single day was a struggle as DD had to walk the final bit from the fence around the early years playground to the classroom door by herself. Only maybe 10m, but she couldn't do it. She'd be clinging to me or to the fence in tears refusing to budge until the teacher came to drag her in. Now in year 1 we wait directly outside the classroom door and it's so much better, she can hold my hand right up to the door and goes in happily. That's how I remember my own school being when I was little, and all the schools we went to visit before starting here.

I'd be asking for some flexibility in the policy. By all means encourage children to go in by themselves if they can, but if they can't and it's causing that much anxiety, you should be allowed to walk with them and maybe start building up the distance you leave them over a period of time. I don't think having such a strict policy is helping in any way, it just makes the anxiety worse rather than helping them to gain independence.

Can you attend the next PTA meeting to put your views across?

At that age our DCs always had to be dropped at the gate to the playground, but they then had around 20 minutes to play with friends before being taken into class. By that time parents were long gone and I never heard of a problem getting them in.

At our infant school it was drop to the door (now year 6 and 3) and at juniors it's still drop to door for year 3 if you/they want to.

How am I trying to find ways around it? I literally just wanted to know if it was normal. I haven’t helicopter parented at all, my daughter is naturally anxious just as I was as a child.

It would always be a case of ‘bye DD have a good day’ and I’d walk away and it was all fine, gradually she’d start to get more and more upset. Are you saying you’d just walk away from your child if they were upset? Because what else am I supposed to do in this situation? You say about ‘working with the school to support my child’ - yet they aren’t working with me at all, they’ve offered no support with the situation what so ever and basically just told me she’ll get over it, yet I am having to see her day in day out for months now, having to eventually be taken in by any passing teacher whilst crying her eyes out just hurts me as a parent.

At this stage I dropped my children off in the playground in the area they joined the line to enter the school. A Teacher woud be standing waiting for them supervising the line. I wouldn't have been happy dropping them off at the gate. An anxious child could panic & turn around to go back home. Mine were OK in that respect but I knew children who would have fled.

At that age it hasn’t always become apparent if kids have additional needs. Ignore the pathetic “helicopter parent” comments. My child was very anxious that age going to school and guess what, she has continued to struggle emotionally and academically and now has additional support at school and is on the SEND register.

Keep pushing for an arrangement that suits your child, who cares if they think you’re a difficult parent. You know your child best.

I think COVID babies and toddlers are struggling far more than those before them and I understand why - they were forced to be kept indoors for a year and it’s hard to adapt! But it doesn’t do much good never letting them have their independence, I’m afraid with some kids forcing them to do something is the only way forward

At my dc school reception parents are allowed in the cloakroom/classroom at the beginning but they are encouraged to gradually withdraw so that by the beginning of year 1 they are all lining up at the door independently. My son in year 6 has autism and needs constant supervision. I don't go into the building though, I stand with him when he lines up and watch him until he goes into the cloakroom. Then the teacher or the TA take over and I go home.

The problem with them lining up is that they get bored and that’s when the pushing and fighting starts.

At my kids school, parents drop them at the (external) classroom door. You can speak to the teacher too if you really want to.

Not a safety issue as the children are seen in through the door. The caretaker locks the gate after checking all the parents have left again.

There's one child in my daughter's class who finds it hard to go in. The teacher always comes out to her to help. The head teacher is always around too and often also helps. Your school sounds pretty poor to be honest. They should be helping you with this.

Why would they get bored, it's only for a few seconds. Kids are used to lining up for everything in schools - going in, going out, going to lunch, assembly, PE...

standard at our school- Parents leave all children at the gate, even YR from day one. This is all kids know so there is no wanting parents to ‘see them in’
However, 2 members of staff are on the gate every morning. If anyone is struggling then a teachers helps them in. At the beginning of yr kids are walked across in groups by their teacher and TA. After two weeks they come in by themselves.
No parents beyond gates and it works well as the kids don’t expect them to be inside the gates anyway!

We have to take to the classroom door. Like a PP, all classrooms lead onto the playground. I'm not sure I'd be happy leaving an infant school child at an unmanned gate. Who has 'taken over' responsibility? What is stopping them from leaving?

I had this issue too. It was only as issue because I couldn’t take my child in. I just dropped him off in the office when he got upset.

Not if there is a teacher on the gate (or two in our case) checking no kids are getting back out.

No ones been shouting at anyone. Why are you making things up?

The thing is, that's not putting your DD in the best frame of mind for learning either - it's counter-productive to be getting that upset every day.

It's also not as if it's the second day of school - we're nearly in December so presumably this has been going on since the start of September and not getting better?!

I have just been thinking about this some more and I think I would now be at the point where I'd be talking to the teachers. Getting that upset every morning is just awful for your DD and actually, pretty awful for you too.

I'm guessing that as it would be a change in school policy you need, a chat with your class teacher wouldn't achieve much. Do you have a pastoral team at the school? We used to have a team that parents could make an appointment with if they were concerned about the child's well-being, which this absolutely is.

I'm just going to ask the question, no other signs of SEN? No difficulties in the classroom? No difficulties speaking up? Or unusually anxious at other times? Girls mask SEN extremely well - it often takes years to spot compared to boys.

How many children in your DD's class get upset like this at the gate - are there many? If your DD is one of very few, it would be easier for them to come up with a reason to make an exception. If there are lots of them, it would make more sense to change the rules....

If you don't have a pastoral team, you could ask for a meeting with the Head or Deputy Head. Or you could write a letter to the school governors.

People talk about "reslience" which is all well and good if your child only has to persist for a bit. When if you're talking about three months of crying every morning and anxiety to the point of not wanting to go in, that's not "building resilience" - that's a child communicating genuine distress who clearly isn't yet ready, for whatever reason. It's not a parenting fail either. We seem to have forgotten that children aren't tiny robots and they don't all develop at the same rate!

Also, I was a school governor for five years+, including acting head of governors for over a year. At our school we'd absolutely have been concerned about a young child experiencing this level of distress and we'd be wanting to help her succeed by creating smaller steps for her to achieve the goal.

You're absolutely right to raise concerns.

Same rule at ours, daughter also in year one. I don’t see any kids in here year displaying anxiety at the gate, they run in with enthusiasm, often with no look back.
(this isn’t the case in the first 4 weeks of the year)
id say there is more going on at your school than issues with drop off.
My kid loves her teacher and is excited to see what they are doing each day, and keen to see her buddies, and that all motivates her to get to school.
I’m sorry your child doesn’t feel the same.