To find school rule silly?

[Skymum36]

So DD is in year 1. Last year in reception we were allowed to take the children to their class as it was right next to the gate in the playground. However, from year 1 onwards, the classrooms go further into the school and we are supposed to drop them in the playground so that they can walk theirselves to the classrooms. I think it was introduced during Covid as parents with older siblings have said it’s only been a thing the last couple of years, however they have apparently kept it on to ‘promote independence’.
I would have no issue with this, except from the fact that DD and numerous other children seem to get really anxious about going in by theirselves and there are tears every morning, yet the head teacher/teachers will not let parents past the gate to make sure that they are ok. Another students mum told me that it was affecting her son’s morning to the point he didn’t want to go to school because it made him anxious in the morning. I find myself struggling at the gate every day now trying to convince DD to walk in but she just gets upset and refuses and asks me to take her, I then have to wait for a teacher to spot me struggling so that they will walk her in. There has been quite a few heated debates between parents and teachers from where they literally point blank will not let parents past (yet it’s fine on pick up?).
The thing is I know it isn’t that big of a deal to some, but the majority of them are still only 5 years old. DD is quite an anxious child, and I just feel like this little rule sets her up for the day wrong when it wouldn’t change a thing to just be able to walk them in.
Is it a rule in anyone else’s school? AIBU to think it just seems a bit unneeded?

Well you would be wasting your time.

Sounds like a lot of anxious parents getting their children upset over something that’s normal in schools. Stop stirring up ill feeling and instead focus on developing a bit of resilience and independence in your children.

My dd would have struggled with this set up. In reception, a TA came to collect her every day and take her in. Then in year 1 that stopped, which caused massive anxiety. She was the only one, who was still crying every day at drop off into year 1. She got to the point of school refusal mid way through the year and we had a child psychologist involved, who said dd didn’t have SEN in her opinion.

Dd is now 16 and I’ve been told she very likely has autism and PDA and is now massively anxious and masking. She didn’t cope well with transitions and had I known she was likely autistic, I could have learned strategies to help her cope as the things I did didn’t work. In your place, I would look at the link about social stories as that looks fab and learn some strategies for handling transitions.

This is exactly what our school does (plus we have an aged shepherds hut too!).

Our primary you had to drop them at the entrance parents weren’t allowed in the playground. Mine are now 18 and 16 so this was well before Covid

Because you are questioning it for support to argue It is normal. Many people have said so. Yeah sometimes you do have to walk away rather than enable that behaviour. It’s not nice and it may not feel good but staying and having her cry isn’t helping her either. She is getting more upset because you will then stay with her. Have you considered the correlation? Anyone in the preschool field will tell you about all the kids who cry and cry and as soon as the parent leaves are absolutely fine.

They shoukdnt offer you anything else. What do you want them to do.? Make a rule that applies to everyone except you? She will get over it they have seen it a thousand times and that is what we are trying to tell you. When the teacher comes and takes her I bet she stops. She isn’t crying all day (as that would be a very different issue). They aren’t pandering to you because it’s their rule, they don’t agree and don’t think that your specific child needs handholding into the classroom.

Yeah it hurts when our kids cry but again putting titles like anxiety on her and making excuses won’t help her to handle sometimes difficult situations in life.

3/4 of people don’t agree with you but if it makes you feel better to question my response fine. I stand by what I said.

There is far too little resiliency in children these days.

At our school we drop our children at the classroom door. In their year groups (2 and 3) you can see right into the classroom so can see them going in happily and getting settled. Some year groups they are dropped off at a main door and they walk through the corridor to their classes but I do have friends with children at other schools who are not allowed past the main gate, so it’s a bit of a mixture.

But I’ve not argued about the fact that it shouldn’t be a rule past my initial post, my first reply was actually stating the fact that if it was a common rule then fair enough. All my other responses have been about the school set up for anyone that didn’t understand me or standing up for myself when people say I helicopter parent!!

and how can I walk away when she follows me? That’s the whole point, I can’t walk away because she just follows me upset! And yes she used to cry in preschool but I was more comfortable leaving her because her preschool teachers were there to stop her following me home out onto a busy road!

At my kid’s school drop off and pick up is outside of the school building from grade 1 too.

Thing is, if a child is anxious about leaving their mum, it's 100 times worse once they get to the classroom. It's one of the busiest moment of the day - 30 5-6 year olds arriving, putting their stuff away. If just one child is crying, clinging to their mum etc, it disrupts all the children and takes away the teacher's attention. I had a year one class years ago where one boy had to be physically taken off his mum every morning, after disrupting the start of the day for everyone else. Every single day, within 2 minutes of being in the classroom with his friends, he was absolutely fine. Now your child has been in school for a year, they need to learn enough independence to walk to the classroom on their own or with a friend.

I'm surprised that there are no teachers or TAs at the gate to greet children and/or support. That does sound odd. At every school I've taught at, the head would be visible on the playground, as would a couple of staff on duty.

Once children are on school premises, the school has a duty of care, so if there's no adult supervising the children coming through the gate, they're opening themselves up to problems.

Rules like this are necessary because of the behaviour of parents. They wander round school, try to start conversations with staff, rile up the children and get in the way of the day starting smoothly.

My children are adults now but it was like this when they were in school. My friends Dd was the same as yours, she'd literally cling onto my friend or the gate not to go in. My friend asked the teacher if she'd come out and get her and even though there were still tears it got better after a few weeks and in the end she'd skip in happily. Have a word with the teacher and see if they can help, no harm in asking.

I agree it's a bit harsh OP. Ours allows a gate drop but also let's you walk child in if worried etc which I think is a nice compromise.

Have you ever taught a class? Mine cannot line up for less than a minute without the ‘he’s pushing me’ starting.

There really isn’t any point in responding. You agree with the people who agree with you annd seem to feel vindicated and argue against the people that don’t because somehow they don’t understand. Yeah we do it’s just that 2/3 of people don’t agree with you are trying to tell you that but you are listening to and want to believe the minority. I have told you straight hence your response back to me. You also don’t want to listen to the school who have told you either (I mean what do they know? They certainly don’t know children or your child). Your daughter cries as you walk away and follows you because you inevitably stop, console her and walk her back.

We have children, or taught in a school or know children another way and have been there many many times. So yeah we do understand.

So fine, have it your way.

I wouldn't be at all happy about dropping to a gate with no staff there to stop the children leaving site once parents have left, that's not normal at all, surely?!

DS changed school in year 2, moving from a school where kids were dropped at the classroom door to a school where they wait for the bell in the playground and then take themselves across the playground and through the doors. DS loves chatting with his mates on the way in from the playground, so he's happy with the new school way.

I have only seen reception kids briefly upset at the new school, and they have TAs around to help them get in, I haven't noticed any obvious battles to get kids in. Howling is obviously going to upset other kids, who start wondering if they should be sad too, and while DS was mostly fine being dropped at the old school class door, when other kids were weeping he did get unsettled and would pull a sad face occasionally.

You'd think that means I vote independence, and I'm happy with it, but I don't know if it's that simple. Fundamentally, I think happy kids in school are happy to go in, and unhappy kids struggle. If your child isn't coping, try reassurance and sending in as a group, but if that doesn't work maybe consider if that school is the right fit for them. Some schools do have happier kids than other schools, and it is good to listen to what your child is telling you.

Yes because you say the majority of people view my thoughts as being invalid yet the majority of people on this post say that they drop their children to the gate, where there is a teacher, to a playground where they get to play before they all line up together. None of this is the case in DD school hence why I feel like I need to explain this in my replies.
The school may know children but to act like they know my child better than me or have better intentions for her is ridiculous, and what a great thought for a school to have ‘every child is exactly the same’.
And I don’t even get the chance to stop and go back to her! She holds on to me as I walk away walking with me!! And it’s not just me that has this issue. Why is it such a bad thing for a school to offer just a bit of support for their students that they act like ‘they care so much about’?

OP you know your child. Leaving a 5 year old upset isn't teaching resilience in my opinion. Helping them to be happy and confident walking in rather than pretending not to find it hard is what my aim would be. I'm surprised the school aren't offering any support if it's happening a lot :(

I would ask the teacher for (or if you can pop in after school one day and take yourself) pictures of the school gate, something on the route from that to the classroom, the door she goes in, her peg, the classroom door and a photo of her smiley teacher. Make a visual story and print it out:

"now I am a big girl in year 1 I can go into school all on my own! First I go through the gate, mummy has to stay there and she always waves at me until I go around the corner!

Here's the door I go in through, it's big and red!

I hang up my coat on my peg, look it has my name and a cat picture on it!

here's my teacher, she's always so pleased to see me in the morning"

then read it with her and look at it with her a lot.

Some children find having a little heart drawn on their wrist that you have put there that they can touch when they feel unsure helps, it's a link to you. Others a little soft toy keyring on their bag. My child and I both have keyrings that look the same and if he's not happy on the walk in we swap them over so he has one that's full of mummy cuddles to take in with him. No one knows about it and it reassures him when he thinks he might get sad (he never needs it that I know of, but knowing he has it really helps him go in)

I also find distraction really helps - I can't come past the gate, can you see if you can hop all the way to the corner, I'll watch you! can you go and look round the corner and sign to me how many birds you can see in the tree? can you see if you can find a cool leaf to take in to show your teacher? get her to pick what you'll do after school when you pick her up as you're getting close, so she's thinking nice things and can't dwell on how sad she'll be to say bye.

I think the rule in itself isn't silly as such, but it does make things harder for some kids who struggle with some transitions, I think it's having the leaving you transition and the going into school one both at the same time.

Gdcs are now 9, 8 and 4 and at their primary the early years are taken to a fence a few metres from the classroom - their teacher stands nearby to welcome them. AFAIK they have never been taken inside the school. They’ve always been perfectly happy with the arrangements.

It's very standard. Very disruptive for schools to have loads of parents.

I was at primary school in the 80s and my kids are there now, and I've never seen parents take kids into class beyond the very first day starting school. Even then I think they started 30 mins after the regular day so the parents weren't in the way.

Since then the kids line up in the playground when the bell goes (each class has its own coloured line painted on the ground) and the teachers walk them all inside together

My child's primary school is set out in a way that we drop them at the classroom, but I've worked in many schools where they cross the playground themselves and it's not been an issue for the children or parents.

It sounds to me like all the parents have got themselves into an unnecessary lather about this and the kids are picking up on the anxiety from the adults and it's spread.