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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that husband is going out too much?

140 replies

sushiandarollie · 27/11/2024 13:25

Husband works full time, I am part time; working 3 days & look after DS 2 days a week. This is spent at mum classes/ soft play/errands, chores, shopping etc.
we have weekends off. Husbands has one full night a week doing a hobby. He’s started meeting a friend from this on a weekend day maybe once a month. Either takes DS and I am just at home alone or I have DS. He does Xmas night out with other friends (none have families of their own) and is now trying to organise more regular meet ups with other male friends from his hobby (they either have grown up children or no kids). AIBU this is too much? I have no one to go out with other than mum friends on my days off. My friends are all mums and are busy with breastfeeding babies/or pregnant/ with their families/busy on weekend and not remotely interested in evening or weekend meet ups. We’re about to enter our 5th round of ivf and I’m gearing up for weeks of injections/potential pregnancy and I feels it’s unreasonable for him to be craving socialising this much. The more he does now he won’t want to give up (if another child comes along).

OP posts:
Catza · 27/11/2024 13:29

One meet-up once a month? No, it's not too much. Especially if he is also taking the kiddo with him sometimes.
You lack of a supportive social circle really isn't a good reason for him to stay at home. You can just as easily get a hobby on one of the 4 evenings during the week.

Billydavey · 27/11/2024 13:29

I don’t think one night a week doing something and one night out a month is unreasonable. I do think it feels off because you’re not doing the same.

if he’d happily facilitate you being out the same, he’s not doing anything wrong. Perhaps consider finding something for yourself?

Miloarmadillo2 · 27/11/2024 13:31

How often is the new social commitment - one evening a week and one weekend day a month sounds fine to me. Xmas do is presumably once a year….
Would he be happy if you wanted to do the same? Irrespective of if you actually do at the moment.

Sirzy · 27/11/2024 13:31

I think you need to find some child free time for yourself, even if it’s doing more than sitting at home when he takes the baby out.

what he is doing doesn’t sound excessive

cestlavielife · 27/11/2024 13:32

Try get your own network social group book group choir whatever

Mercurial123 · 27/11/2024 13:32

He's not unreasonable. It's healthy to have outside interests from your relationship. Find something for yourself.

TTPDTS · 27/11/2024 13:34

It doesn't sound unreasonable at all really.

It's not his responsibility that you don't have people to do things with (that might sound harsh but that's the vibe I'm getting from the post!) - he shouldn't have to not do things because you can't do similar. Make new friends / take up a new hobby / enjoy time just for you!

Ablondiebutagoody · 27/11/2024 13:37

Sounds fine. He's allowed to have interests outside the home

toomuchfaff · 27/11/2024 13:38

Husbands has one full night a week doing a hobby. Not unreasonable, you need to get a hobby and start this

He’s started meeting a friend from this on a weekend day maybe once a month.
not unreasonable

He does Xmas night out with other friends presuming this is seasonal... not unreasonable

trying to organise more regular meet ups with other male friends from his hobby
Startingto get unreasonable, how often? What do you guys do as a family, or together?

I have no one to go out with other than mum friends on my days off.
Absolutely irrelevant, your lack of social circle is yours to solve; my solution wonders why don't you and DH do anything social together?

As for IVF, will he even have time or are the kids "your" responsibility?

Original poster
sushiandarollie · 27/11/2024 13:46

I think what I’m trying to say is that if his friends had young babies/children they would be busy. We have couple friends who I get on with amazingly but we struggle to get together more than once or twice a year due to all the children’s commitments -swimming , football etc (and we are all a considerable distance from each other) .
I have friends but they’re in the same position as we are as a couple so they are busy with their children. Majority of my husbands friends are free of any responsibility of a weekend so I feel they are encouraging him to go out more. Once a month more is then every 2 weekends …and more etc

OP posts:
HettyMeg · 27/11/2024 13:48

I don't think it's an unreasonable amount for him - is it possible that you feel miffed by it because you're not out? I'd suggest trying to find a hobby one night a week - and also gently encouraging friends to meet up for a drink/dinner. Sometimes it might feel like nobody wants to go out but they actually do, it's more that nobody has asked. I have often had to be the one to orchestrate this with mum friends, but it's worth it. DH and I also each have a hobby on different nights through the week and this has made all the difference to my mental health.

Rumors1 · 27/11/2024 13:53

Objectively it isnt too much at all. It feels too much to you because you are not going out. I dont think its good to restrict his social life because you dont have one.
I would focus on getting out more, are there any classes/hobbies you are interested in?

Prisonpillow · 27/11/2024 13:56

His schedule sounds balanced and healthy. But think perhaps you need to have your own equivalent times to do something for you.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/11/2024 13:57

I think that you need to find yourself a hobby group separate from being a mum. What did you do before children?

BodyKeepingScore · 27/11/2024 13:58

sushiandarollie · 27/11/2024 13:46

I think what I’m trying to say is that if his friends had young babies/children they would be busy. We have couple friends who I get on with amazingly but we struggle to get together more than once or twice a year due to all the children’s commitments -swimming , football etc (and we are all a considerable distance from each other) .
I have friends but they’re in the same position as we are as a couple so they are busy with their children. Majority of my husbands friends are free of any responsibility of a weekend so I feel they are encouraging him to go out more. Once a month more is then every 2 weekends …and more etc

So your real issue is that your friends aren't available but his are? It's perfectly fine and healthy for him to socialise without you outside the home more than once or twice a month.

KrisAkabusi · 27/11/2024 14:00

You're counting one Christmas party as part of the 'too much'! YABU.
"If his friends had children" is irrelevant, they don't!
"I have no one to go out with other than mum friends on my days off." So you do have friends, and you do meet up with them.

You're sounding very selfish here.

IamnotSethRogan · 27/11/2024 14:06

Sorry but it doesn't strike me as at all unreasonable. Especially if he were happy to do the same for you.

I think it's important you build up your own circle of friends so you feel less resentful at what is your husbands fairly moderate social life.

i also think his friends not having children isn't a problem. He's not going out because they're making him. He's going out because he likes being with them. I have loads of friends without children as quite frankly being a mother is a part of my life but I very much enjoy breaks from things to do with children. Your world can become very small if you think once you have children you can only associate with people who have children.

If he's generally a good supportive partner then I can't see a problem.

KimFan · 27/11/2024 14:10

I think you need to try and expand your social circle. It's not your husband's fault he has a friendship group to socialise with and you don't. He isn't out an excessive amount at all.

ChristmasGrinch24 · 27/11/2024 14:14

Once a week and once a month that's 5 maybe 6 nights a month. You sound super controlling.

ChristmasGrinch24 · 27/11/2024 14:14

You need to make your own friends, you can't be jealous because he has friends.

Original poster
sushiandarollie · 27/11/2024 14:15

Dishwashersaurous · 27/11/2024 13:57

I think that you need to find yourself a hobby group separate from being a mum. What did you do before children?

Me and my husband went out all the time together. We went for meals, cinema, theatre, holidays. My friends slowly moved back into the area once married and we are all early thirties so naturally we’ve all had children a year or so apart. Two friends from work I used to go out with also subsequently got married and had children. Everyone’s evening are spent feeding and doing bed routine with the little ones (most are terrible sleepers) . I’ve asked a few and they’ve said they would love to go out but practically can’t and are looking forward to a time when they can when the children are a little older

OP posts:
Original poster
sushiandarollie · 27/11/2024 14:17

ChristmasGrinch24 · 27/11/2024 14:14

Once a week and once a month that's 5 maybe 6 nights a month. You sound super controlling.

I’m not saying he can’t go out. I’m not stopping him just going out . I’m just in my mind (and on here) asking if it’s too much.
we can’t both go out all the time, we have a DS who needs dinner, bath , bed every night , dog that needs walking etc

OP posts:
AffIt · 27/11/2024 14:18

You really need to widen your social circle - try a new hobby group or similar.

You never know, you might meet nice new friends who are older or younger and aren't trapped in babyhood right now.

StormingNorman · 27/11/2024 14:18

It is nowhere near too much. You sound like you resent him having time away from children and adult company. Are you sure you want another baby? I was a bit taken aback when you mentioned the IVF as you sound like you want more time without children around.

Beastiesandthebeauty · 27/11/2024 14:19

I think your frustration is coming more from you not being able to do something for you. It would be more healthy if you could do something too... his socialising sounds pretty healthy tbh.

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