AIBU that husband is going out too much?

[sushiandarollie]

Husband works full time, I am part time; working 3 days & look after DS 2 days a week. This is spent at mum classes/ soft play/errands, chores, shopping etc.
we have weekends off. Husbands has one full night a week doing a hobby. He’s started meeting a friend from this on a weekend day maybe once a month. Either takes DS and I am just at home alone or I have DS. He does Xmas night out with other friends (none have families of their own) and is now trying to organise more regular meet ups with other male friends from his hobby (they either have grown up children or no kids). AIBU this is too much? I have no one to go out with other than mum friends on my days off. My friends are all mums and are busy with breastfeeding babies/or pregnant/ with their families/busy on weekend and not remotely interested in evening or weekend meet ups. We’re about to enter our 5th round of ivf and I’m gearing up for weeks of injections/potential pregnancy and I feels it’s unreasonable for him to be craving socialising this much. The more he does now he won’t want to give up (if another child comes along).

I have two nights out per week, my husband has two. We have three kids.

It sounds perfectly acceptable and normal to me.

I think the issue is more that you have nobody to go out with and you sound a bit resentful?

I am just at home alone
you're even moaning that he takes your DS out with him!!
Most of us would be delighted, you need to find a hobby or interest, your whole life doenst need to be joined together.

You sound like you need to make new friends. Hes not being unreasonable at all.

Exactly, just because you don’t want to, doesn’t mean he can’t or doesn’t want to. It doesn’t sound like he finds it excessive and l agree. You need to find some new friends with children who do go out in the evening as these people do exist (l do and l have 2 under 2) and / or friends who don’t have children. I say that as someone who had 3 rounds of IVF so l know it’s not easy but it’s important to still have your own life after children and whilst trying to conceive them

I’m not ignoring, I don’t really know what I enjoy doing to be totally honest! I’ve looked into art classes/pottery classes in the past but have thought they were a bit expensive with all our money going into ivf but I’ll look into them again

Yes I probably do need to widen my social circle (easier said than done ) I don’t find making friends at all easy and probably looking back it was easier to go out with husband than look to go out with others outside our relationship. Maybe I feel envious that he can more easily make friends, and friends outside other parents

You don't need to go out with friends, nothing is better than a cinema trip to yourself or a nice meal on your own.

Having young kids, and your friends in the same boat, finding time to go out can be a pain in the arse, but it can be done, set a date, stick to it, and go out. Like you say, you don't need to go out and get totalled.

Sometimes, I just go to a random pub for a quiet pint and a packet of crisps, spend half an hour scrolling rubbish on my phone, and then get back at it.

I think YANBU to be worried that he keeps adding extra evenings/weekend days for himself.

I do think you should carve out time for yourself in evenings/weekends and try not to worry about costs (presumably his hobbies cost money too)

It would be really easy for it to slip into him enjoying all the premium free time because you haven't carved any out for yourself. It would be much harder to get him to give up time, than for you to take some for yourself now.

Plus plumbing in family time as well as you don't want to end up ships in the night.

Can you have a convo with him to work out what you both would like in terms or splitting time?

Gently, OP, he doesn’t need to go out less, you need to go out more.

Everyone’s evening are spent feeding and doing bed routine with the little ones (most are terrible sleepers) . I’ve asked a few and they’ve said they would love to go out but practically can’t and are looking forward to a time when they can when the children are a little older

Start a babysitting club…

It's a shame all your friends with kids don't go out, why can't they leave their kids with their partners for a couple of hours in the evening? Having kids doesn't mean no social life.

You don't even need to go out with friends or other people at all. Sometimes it's time alone I need. Gym, mooch around the shops, cinema - doesn't even matter what you do, it's just carving out time for yourself that's important.
And if you've all got little kids, why don't you start a babysitting circle?

I have two kids, 5 and 2, and I am out two evenings a week doing voluntary work and probably once a month or so with friends for dinner or something else, quite often a few hours at the weekend related to voluntary stuff, plus the usual stuff like work Christmas parties etc.

I think you've probably realised that this is more about you feeling you don't have a social circle in the same way. All my friends have young kids but we still manage to get out and do things for ourselves, have meals out, etc. and much more than twice a year.

It's not too much at all no. It's a bit sad that all of your friends refuse to leave their children for a few hours for an evening. I and all my friends have small children, we still socialise without them at least once a month or so. Dads can do bedtime (assuming they aren't all single parents)?

You shouldn’t begrudge your husband a social life because you don’t have one.

why don’t you join a gym or a Pilates class that you can attend once a week? Or even go and treat yourself to dinner and cinema alone.

Your husband can stay at home on that evening and do bath and bed time.

You need to get a life tbh your friends won’t be breastfeeding forever and you can eventually surely leave babies behind with dads for the evening !! Or get new friends or your own hobby

you can’t go out together all the time anymore so have to do things separately for a while until you can start getting babysitters

I’m assuming your friends have partners, so why can’t your partner and their partner stay in one evening while you and your friend go to the pub? Or leave your kids with partners on a Saturday morning for a coffee? Or meet up during the day at the weekend with your kids?

I don’t understand why your friends think that Mums with babies/toddlers can never go out 🤷🏼‍♀️ No need to martyr yourselves.

I had a baby, a 1 year old and a 3 year old and I would still go out with my friends at least once a month. I would breastfeed at 6.30/7pm and then leave my husband to do bedtime routine. Left a bottle of expressed milk just in case. Met my friends at a local pub or restaurant…… still home in time for 10/11pm and plenty of time for a good night sleep.

Oo OP I can empathise with how you’re feeling. It sounds like from reading your updates most of your social time was taken up by your DH or a friendship group who now seem mostly unavailable. It is a bit of a shock to the system the reality of having a young child and that one of you is always left with the baby (even though you think you are prepared for it the reality can be difficult.) It sounds to me like you are socially isolated, that’s not to mention the difficult journey you’ve been on trying to conceive baby number two which sounds very challenging and I’m sorry for your losses.

I think you need to ask yourself why you feel that your partners outings are too much. Is it because you miss spending time with him or because you resent not being able to do anything like you used to whilst he’s out having fun.

If it’s the former - do either of you have family that could have DS or a babysitter for one night ? And do an evening or a day together like life pre-baby. Trying to get regular date days/nights in makes you see each other as more than just caregivers and can make you both feel happier!

If it’s the latter, like others have suggested it would be wise to take the initiative to do stuff whilst your husband is away with your DS that’s fun for you (cinema/ coffee shop/ nice podcast / gym/ lunch or brunch) or do things with your friends when your partner is out - you could invite your friends with kids to yours for the evening or even go to theirs - surely if they’re good friends they would be happy to have a nice evening with you once the babies have been bathed and put to bed. BF shouldn’t preclude time with friends either - if anything I’ve found it easier as you just pop your boob out and it’s done. If your friends are still not up for this then might be time to make some friends who are more flexible or start a hobby. There are loads of apps for making friends locally.

As you’ve asked for our opinion I’m afraid I don’t think your husband is unreasonable at all and I’m worried that you see it as “craving” time away - that’s certainly not how I see enjoying time with my friends and doing my hobby. I do think it’s a good thing to try and address this before you have your second child as the feeling of isolation may increase once you have double the responsibility.
Good luck

This is a phase. And if you're considering more ivf then it one you're likely to be stuck in for a while. Can you take a bottle of wine round to theirs? Meet up on a weekend for a lunch & afternoon social time then home for 8pm ish? Maybe just think out of the box for a while.

To be fair there is a certain type of mum who doesn't go for this as an option. But then I think you need to focus on finding a broader group of friends!

I feels it’s unreasonable for him to be craving socialising this much.

Wow.

I agree it doesn't sound too much at all and agree with others who say that you are the one that would benefit from reframing your thinking ie (enjoying the alone time and seeing it as an opportunity to rest/ catch up with yourself/ watch TV / whatever.

I don't want to sound like one of the 'join a choir brigade' but when my husband walked out on my 2 year old and me 15 years ago I joined a choir (a friend babysat for me) and I met a lovely person there who is childless and still one of my best friends now. We have done loads of brilliant things together over the years and she was / is always up for doing stuff.

It sounds like you have a bit of a limiting belief about what's possible.

Well, see it as a wake-up call. Don’t retreat inside your family. Work on making new friends, and the chances are very high some will be childfree or have older or adult children, or women like you who have young children but still go out, or indeed men in any of these categories.