AIBU that husband is going out too much?

[sushiandarollie]

Husband works full time, I am part time; working 3 days & look after DS 2 days a week. This is spent at mum classes/ soft play/errands, chores, shopping etc.
we have weekends off. Husbands has one full night a week doing a hobby. He’s started meeting a friend from this on a weekend day maybe once a month. Either takes DS and I am just at home alone or I have DS. He does Xmas night out with other friends (none have families of their own) and is now trying to organise more regular meet ups with other male friends from his hobby (they either have grown up children or no kids). AIBU this is too much? I have no one to go out with other than mum friends on my days off. My friends are all mums and are busy with breastfeeding babies/or pregnant/ with their families/busy on weekend and not remotely interested in evening or weekend meet ups. We’re about to enter our 5th round of ivf and I’m gearing up for weeks of injections/potential pregnancy and I feels it’s unreasonable for him to be craving socialising this much. The more he does now he won’t want to give up (if another child comes along).

I think the people saying you don't want another child are being deliberately dim. Having a child does not automatically mean you don't deserve and can't have a life outside of children.

Where I do think you are wrong is that assuming that because you don't have a social life sorted out, your husband should sacrifice his. It's on you to sort out what you want to do with your life- I know it's hard, but nobody else can do it for you. It's literally your problem to solve.

In your situation, I joined Peanut (a mum app) and made a couple more local friends, with kids similar ages. But, specifically, I started chatting with those who listed interests that were not all child related- who said they liked going dancing, eating out, a glass of wine chatting with friends. The mum I clicked with is very sociable, and we now see each other regularly both with and without the kids- it was awkward at first, but after visit 2 it eased, and we're good friends.

Secondly, I joined a book club. There are lots of people there who don't know each other, and it's not a highbrow one at all. We meet once a month in the pub, but there's no expectation to drink- have something if you want something. We sit, chat for half an hour about the book, and then just have a nice hour sitting together. Gradually it's grown, so there's now about 15-18 of us, we invite along any friends who are in your position basically! And this was set up from nothing by my sociable peanut mum friend- she had looked on Facebook for a local group, didn't find one that suited, so put up in a local facebook group that she was planning on starting one, and individual people joined her. We all didn't know each other a year ago, but there's some lovely, bright, funny women there.

My little one is 22m and hasn't been a great sleeper. I go out for a weeknight dinner once every few weeks with friends (a group of which some are parents of similar age children and some are not). The child may need bedtime every night but it is not always necessary for both parents to be there for this. I didn't go out without baby in the early months due to BF (still BF now but he is put to bed by dad without). You may all be choosing to spend your evenings doing bedtimes and that is fine but it's absolutely possible for people to go out if they choose to. We do a lot with family/couple friends though together on a weekend. We don't do anything together as we have no babysitting options so it's important for us to have social time individually

He's not being unreasonable at all. That's a very modest amount of time to be out seeing friends.
However, I think you and your friends with babies are all being a bit defeatist saying you can't go out. You need to think outside the box! It's not about "going out on the piss" but looking for other things you can do.
When I was breastfeeding I still managed some evenings out - some dinners at a local restaurant. I'd leave some expressed milk for DH but I only stayed out about 3 hours so I was usually back by the time they wanted another feed. Or how about hosting a film night, late afternoon/early in the evening, everyone brings their babies and you're finished by babies bed time.
It sounds like you are socialising, but during the day. That's fine and obviously something your partner can't do because of work.
I remember being quite sociable when mine were babies. Not necessarily big night out, but lots of hanging out with friends at their houses, going out for lunch, or tea and cake with our babies, lots of walks with friends and babies in the pushchairs, a few dinners in the evenings. We certainly weren't all stuck indoors.

You can't clip someone else's freedom just because you don't have any yourself.

Go out on your own - go to the cinema, or out to read and have a coffee in peace for a few hours. Join a casual walking group, or a book club, or something gentle like yoga. At this time of year there's loads of crafty stuff you could join as well.

It's so important to maintain your social life when you have kids - don't let yourself fall into the trap of being "mum" all the time.

It doesn't sound like he's going out a lot, but if he's default leaving feeding and bathing his child and walking the dog to you every night, I can see why that would be frustrating. Even if you're not going out anywhere, he should really give you an evening to do what you want where he's taking care of the house and family.

Sounds okay to me. One evening a week and one meet up with a friend once a month isn't too much. Added bonus if he takes your DS and you get time to yourself.
If he wants to get out more that might be too much but it depends. Will he be going out twice a month or twice a week (plus his hobby night)? One is unreasonable the other isn't.
If there are six nights a week free why can't you do a hobby then? Also try and keep the friendships you have. Children grow up really quickly and when you all have slightly older kids you'll be able to spend more time together.

It sounds like you want your DH to spend all his non working hours with you. That isn't healthy. You both need some time away from family doing something else. In no way is he out excessively and if he sometimes takes the DC on these meet ups he is obviously happy to look after them . You need to find something to do for yourself that doesn't involve only talking about the bedtime routine

So I text a close mum friend this: So I’m thinking do we fancy a Xmas meal out on a Friday evening at xxxx place?! just us girls, no kids!
reply ‘I would love to but xxx is still very much dependent on the boob and has regressed with xxx(her husband).
So i am going to see if she can do a weekend lunch instead , but this is the general feeling I’m getting

Join a weekly class. Then you will always have company. By next year the babies will be off the boob.

So why not arrange to go over to hers for a takeaway, or see if she wants to bring the baby with her to you?

Socialising doesn't need to mean going "out out", but it you'd prefer that then it's probably best that you try and make new friends who aren't stuck in the breastfeeding/baby stage for now,

I think the issue is you don't have the social circle to do the same as what you've described doesn't sound unreasonable to me. I go out fairly often, my girlfriends are an amazing support to me, I go out once or twice a week and have weekends away. DH goes out less than me but when he does he drinks more so is usually not fit for much the following day where as I don't tend to drink a lot, so it balances out.

We do also socialise together and host friends at ours once a month ish - we are both outgoing/extroverted and socialising is important to us. Worth mentioning we do involve our DC sometimes too so have a good balance

I agree. When I had babies I had some lovely afternoons/evenings with friends coming round. We'd get a take away, have a glass of wine, watch a film or just chat. Babies on boobs! I really miss those times actually.

I used to have the NCT Mums round in the afternoon (well, a select few that kept in touch) and open a bottle of fizz while the babies crawled round playing with toys . Also loved those days. Everyone left by 5pm.

When I say breastfeeding it’s a 2 year old , and another friends is 18 month old, and another friends is 3 years old. It’s not newborn where they are more portable. I don’t think she’s appreciate me in the way at home around her and husband . I’m taking it as she isn’t prioritising socialising for her , which is ok, but I can’t get what maybe I’m looking for with my current friends. So yes need to start looking at other classes etc

I think it's very common to have different friends at different times in your life, and for doing different things.

This just happens in life where a person makes friends with people in different situations. I don't think your husband is doing anything wrong at all, but I think you feel anxious. Simply put I think that you need to invest in yourself a little, take up a hobby and meet people of different ages.

My goodness. I'm shocked that your friends can't socialise once their children are toddlers! They're letting motherhood completely consume them. Sorry, I don't mean to criticise them. It's entirely up to them, of course - but there's absolutely no reason not to go out when you have a 3 year old!

She can't leave a 2 yr old who is dependent on BF? that's. her problem not the child.
How ridiculous.

The issue here is your lack of social circle now his very normal one.
You need to focus on growing your own network not resenting his.

It doesn't sound like he is going out a lot. 1 weekend day a month is really minimal he doesn't have to give up his life because you have kids. Just like you should be entitled to go out with friends etc. Unless there's a back story that you're not allowed out.

Another vote here that the dh is being very reasonable. I'm trying to imagine what I'd say if my husband didn't want me to organise a christmas meet up (by definition once a year) with friends, to make it "fair" for him because he didn't have an event to go to. Probably the confused face emoji would sum it up best.

I think you're failing to appreciate the full range of parenting approaches, and different children personalities in this.

For the most part, I think you're right. The vast majority of three year olds can cope with their mother going out to the evening.

I have two children with separation issues. The youngest was a bottle refuser with weight gain difficulties. Covid, when she reached about a year, so I might otherwise have tried going out in the evening, pushed that back to nearly two. Despite a very involved and loving father, frequently trying, she'd freak out if I wasn't there. Then she got ill and nearly died, I was always by her side. She's okay with me going out now, she's five, but she still finds it hard.

Her older sibling has had separations issues from birth. At a year old, If doing a protracted bedtime I'd pop to the loo, she'd panic to the extent of retching or vomiting. She got better but the impact of a poorly sibling set her back. She's fine with me going out, but if daddy does, I have to restrain her. About a year ago he stayed at a friend's house. My daughter literally sobbed all night. I got 20 minutes sleep. She was six at the time. Yes, we've been getting professional help, yes, we tried building it up slowly, It's better than it was, But it's still hard.

Our situation isn't typical. But I'm not sure any situation is. Everyone has their secret battles, and whilst many 3-year-olds go to bed independently and sleep all the way through, many don't. We don't know the reasons why these mums won't or can't go out at night. Most people don't know about our sleep/ separation battles, and I don't know about other people's challenges. Some women are just too tired, too much juggling of kids and work while still getting broken sleep. Will have lost confidence going out in the evening because kids and covid meant they didn't do it for years.

Practically speaking, suggest going around with a takeaway. I'd have loved that. Or going round during the day instead.

OK if your friends have toddlers aren't don't want an evening out, then clearly you can't rely on them.

You need to find a regular routine slot where you go out

I suspect a lot of people use their kids as an excuse when the reality is they're just not interested.

Yes, I do understand. Your response was much more sensitive than mine. One of my children is a very anxious child and even now at 11 years old, hates it when I'm not there! I suppose I always felt like I needed a break and to see friends for my own mental health/sanity. I'm not much use looking after everyone (as I do) if I'm completely burnt out. So I would still go out occasionally and let my husband deal with the fall out.
I suppose I also thought it was unlikely that all OP's friends faced these type of issues, but maybe they do, or maybe, like you say, they're just exhausted. I understand that feeling. I often can't be bothered to go out these days but I make an effort and try and do things earlier in the day, when I'm less tired. It would be nice if OP and her friends could find some way to hang out, even if it's just doing daytime activities with the kids. I think perhaps they are doing this already. Having friends without young children is also handy, I've found.