AIBU that husband is going out too much?

[sushiandarollie]

Husband works full time, I am part time; working 3 days & look after DS 2 days a week. This is spent at mum classes/ soft play/errands, chores, shopping etc.
we have weekends off. Husbands has one full night a week doing a hobby. He’s started meeting a friend from this on a weekend day maybe once a month. Either takes DS and I am just at home alone or I have DS. He does Xmas night out with other friends (none have families of their own) and is now trying to organise more regular meet ups with other male friends from his hobby (they either have grown up children or no kids). AIBU this is too much? I have no one to go out with other than mum friends on my days off. My friends are all mums and are busy with breastfeeding babies/or pregnant/ with their families/busy on weekend and not remotely interested in evening or weekend meet ups. We’re about to enter our 5th round of ivf and I’m gearing up for weeks of injections/potential pregnancy and I feels it’s unreasonable for him to be craving socialising this much. The more he does now he won’t want to give up (if another child comes along).

I do have friends. My friends have children , so they can’t leave their babies of an evening if they are breastfeeding

No it's not to much. 5 days out of 30. He's still home the other 25 odd nights.
You do sound jealous op.

But you could both go out once or twice a week and still have time together.

and you do get to meet with friends when you go out on your days off.

I agree OP, sorry. It probably feels like he’s out a lot because you’re not. I get that it’s hard with friends and kids, but unless your friends have little tiny babies, it sounds like they’re making excuses not to go out. That’s probably not personal, more likely that they’re tired or can’t be bothered. Shame.

I go out a lot more than my DH, he’s an introvert and I’m not. He doesn’t hold it against me and probably enjoys the evenings I’m not here! I think when a whole weekend day is taken up socialising without kids regularly then that can become incompatible with family life, but your DH seems to do most of his socialising in the evenings, or takes your DC sometimes on the weekends. Can’t you go with them?

It doesn't sound particularly excessive to me and it's healthy to build up a social circle. You don't have to base one around other mothers and it's not his fault that he's built one and you haven't.

I don’t think I can only associate with those with children. I would love a few friends who were free and single and wanted to go out. Just happens every single one of my friends has had a child…4 were pregnant in one year, and subsequently everyone had their second roughly similar time then some on their third…

That’s all unfortunate, but I don’t see why it means your husband can’t go out?

But you could visit them?

It feels you've fallen into a mindset of "I have a young child so I can't leave the house". Even when DH has actually taken the young child out with him!

I agree with others; either be more inventive about seeing current friends (or even having a long chat with one on the phone would probably make you feel less isolated), look at solo activities that are just for you, or join clubs etc to meet more people.

Not too much at all. I go out more than that and I have 3 kids.

It isn’t his fault that his friends are more available than yours.

That’s really harsh to say. I’ve had two years of back to back ivf rounds with multiple failures and a miscarriage. I’m so desperate for another, you wouldn’t believe. I’m not wanting to go out on the p!ss on the weekend

This doesn't sound like very much at all, sorry!

It doesn't preclude him from building up a normal level of social life outside the home.

It sounds like you see friends on the two days a week you have off? It’s not his fault he and his friends have to work and can only meet up on evenings or weekends. Are weekday evenings really much of an issue? My husband and I try and meet up with friends separately during the week as you’re not really missing out on that much, just the couple of hours bedtime, or you can go out after bedtime and miss nothing!

Your friends won’t be stuck indoors in the evening forever, you could even go round to them for dinner/takeaway and catch up once the children are in bed.

Try a book club or knitting/crochet group where you get a variety of ages, not just breastfeeding mums.

To address your question I can see how you are worried that If he continues adding social events it will end up eating into your family time together.

What about a day together as a family most weekends, such as Sunday walk or park, picnic lunch, afternoon family film back at home, snacks and games in the evening? Then you've always got something to look forward to all together.

I didn’t mean to be harsh and I’m sorry. But you sound like you want time away from children. You even seem to resent all your friends having children and not being free on the evenings and weekends.

I did t say anything about going out on the piss.

So? Why does that mean he shouldn’t be meeting up with friends who are free? You sound jealous and like you’re trying to punish him.

Welcome to parenthood and having your social circles go through it at the same time. Geez let the guy go out. Do you want him in the house 24/7 if he isn’t at work?

You have a young child and that is just how it goes. You are trying for another so maybe think about your feelings now and that having another it will get far “worse”. When kids get older it settles back down so that you have a bit more freedom.

You talk about how you used to go out loads etc. Yeah we mourned our old life too but love our kids. It was a serious adjustment. You can’t have both at the beginning. I don’t understand the resentment. You should be happy for your husband having so,E time to himself if that makes him happy but finding your own time shoukdnt be dependant on him being antisocial.

IVF is tough and demanding - decide what you want. You were defensive about your journey (yeah we have all been there…..) and mad at your husband for going out occasionally. It’s the stage of life you are in, I suggest you accept it or stop trying.

I don’t think it’s too much at all, honestly I think alone time/time with friends is so important. It’s important to balance being a parent and a partner with being yourself and doing things that make YOU happy, it makes you a better parent and partner if you also get the chance to “fill your own cup”.

I’m going to say two things that sound quite blunt:

• your lack of going out isn’t DH’s fault. You need to sort that. Rather than trying to make your DH change his friends so he can be as fed up as you.

• re meeting up with your good friends, it really won’t matter if the kids have a weekend off football, swimming etc. go and see Them.

What’s wrong with her wanting some time away from her child anyway?

That's definitely not too much. I think you need to work on setting some more time aside for yourself and together, how often do you have a babysitter? You don't need your existing friends to be free to leave the house, find a class or group to attend. You'll both be miserable if you insist he shrinks his world to match yours.

So find some childless friends, OP. Many suggested hobby groups which you are ignoring and keep coming back to your friends with small children. If you want social time and have a supportive partner to do the parenting on a couple of nights a week, there are many childless people around in evening classes.

Nothing at all. I didn’t say or imply there was.

It's fine that he has interests and friends outside the four walls. Men's mental health matters too, and having friends is crucial.

The problem is the imbalance.

He's in this habit now, and is pushing for more - imagine what it will be like if you do have another child?

Get yourself a hobby. Join a choir, amateur dramatics club, an evening dance/exercise class, learn a language, painting ... Something for YOU. Where you'll make friends who aren't all about babies. Maybe even something he can join you in enjoying.

@sushiandarollie

I agree, he's not going out too much.

But you seem to have gotten yourself into a rut of 'always' having your DC. Why can't your DH be 'primary parent' so you're able to go out? Why can't your mum friends' DHs watch their children? Is everyone's DH incapable or unwilling? If so, or if you're unwilling for him to be 'primary' that's a whole other issue. He shouldn't give up his outside life because you're unwilling to leave your (mutual) child with him, if that's the case. But he should be pulling his weight, time wise, if he's not. And that includes ferrying to and from activities and clubs.

I also was in a group where we were 'all mums together', yet we found time to do things without our DC because their fathers (either DHs or exHs) pulled their weight. We left them with their dads without a care. We went out for meals, films, shopping, even just 'hanging out' a few times a month. And if no one was available, I went on my own. Solo movies and solo 'browsing the shops' can be great!

Loosen up a bit, find your independent spirit. Have DH watch/ferry DC and either organize something simple with friends like a walk or a coffee, or go for a walk or to a film on your own.