AIBU that husband is going out too much?

[sushiandarollie]

Husband works full time, I am part time; working 3 days & look after DS 2 days a week. This is spent at mum classes/ soft play/errands, chores, shopping etc.
we have weekends off. Husbands has one full night a week doing a hobby. He’s started meeting a friend from this on a weekend day maybe once a month. Either takes DS and I am just at home alone or I have DS. He does Xmas night out with other friends (none have families of their own) and is now trying to organise more regular meet ups with other male friends from his hobby (they either have grown up children or no kids). AIBU this is too much? I have no one to go out with other than mum friends on my days off. My friends are all mums and are busy with breastfeeding babies/or pregnant/ with their families/busy on weekend and not remotely interested in evening or weekend meet ups. We’re about to enter our 5th round of ivf and I’m gearing up for weeks of injections/potential pregnancy and I feels it’s unreasonable for him to be craving socialising this much. The more he does now he won’t want to give up (if another child comes along).

No I don't. I think one weeknight and a monthly social is very moderate and a healthy addition to a life. Your perception is coloured by the fact you don't do things outside the family. If it were me I'd be trying to increase my own activities rather than get him to reduce his, as I think his is the more balanced life.

Having children doesn’t just automatically mean you stop going out?! We have a group of friends who we often socialise with and have both pre and post children. We all have kids. We all find time to socialise.

So didn't have any hobbies or things you did without your husband before children?

Not just seeing friends but actually doing something you enjoy- sports, music, arts etc?

You need to find something that you want to do and makes you happy away from your children and husband

I’ve always struggled with hobbies, I am not at all a gym person or sporty in any way. The things I like is coffee shops and cats! Pre meeting my husband, I worked a lot and evenings were commuting home, cooking dinner, tv then bed. Friday nights I’d go out after work (with the friends who’ve had kids) or previous work colleagues that I’ve lost touch with now.

I know it doesn’t, but I think my friends do think they just sacrifice socialising whilst kids are little. I don’t know if they just don’t want to go out or if they don’t feel they need to. A couple of mum friends who literally are just mums, they never go out. We all talk about the routines of an evening . One friends child is up 5-6 times every night and she has a baby too . She says she’s doing bath at 6.45 and goes bed herself by 9 as she’s up every night. She mentioned she’s never had a date night without kids in the last year as they’ve no childcare so I can’t imagine her wanting to go out with me if she hasn’t with her husband.

OK I think this is probably a bit of trying to find your way after having children.

Your husbands life hasn't changed much but yours has.

You therefore need to start working out how to do things that make you happy.

Make concrete suggestions to friends to go out. Its far, far, easier to go out and leave children with their dad than it is to get a babysitter.

So once a month try and go out with friends. Start small, a couple of hours in a pub late after bedtime.

And try and find yourself something you like for a regular evening or weekend slot. Yoga? Learn a foreign language? Art class?

We have two nights out each a week which for me is hobby based and for him sometimes a hobby and other times friends. I rarely go out on a weekend but he probably does once or twice a month. Only bit that annoys me is that he rarely organises a night out for the two of us. So I don't think it is too much

This is sounding like "Mother's Martyr "
Just make arrangements and go out!
Ask people out!
Start a babysitting group amongst friends.

So offer to babysit so she can go out with her husband one time and then go out with her on a different evening.

Go round to her house with a bottle of wine or a takeaway and have a nice chat?

I don't really understand why you are "desperate" for another child, OP, when you seem to be so unhappy with your life as a mother. Your husband is doing nothing wrong. Maybe your time would be better spent putting the IVF on hold, going back to work, finding some new friends/hobbies. In other words, getting your life back. You are more than just a mother.... you're a person who deserves a full life.

No, it’s not too much. Your life doesn’t have to stop when you become a parent. It’s good to have outside interests.

Saying you don’t have anyone to go out with is a separate issue to him going out.

What about going out for lunch or for a few afternoon drinks or a coffee?

This seems to be a reaccuring theme people get together have children and that's it they are not allowed to do anything else

In a grown up mature relationship with people who have some level of intelligence work it out so both people can go out and if person choose not too that should not stop the other

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@ChristmasGrinch24 Thats a bit harsh, she doesn’t sound controlling she sounds lonely.

Go out alone. I do.
YABU.

We’ve got two special needs kids and my husband is out socialising and going to the gym at least four nights a week.

I'm rubbish at maintaining a social life with kids, t even I think you'd need to get out more.

I had a very tricky bottle refuser who would scream the house down if refused boob until gone 2. Not going out because of covid (she was 1 when it hit) probably didn't help, but I gave up on socialising for a long time. My husband didn't go out much, but more than me. The difference is that I didn't resent him for it, but just saw it as something I'd personally shelved for a while.

Given you want to go out, then you have options:

• for those that have breastfed babies, go round theirs and order pizza, accepting that they may need to go upstairs and resettle sometimes.

-meet at a very nearby pub

• meet during the day
• if their babies are newborns then they can just come out with mum. I took mine to many restaurants etc.

Honestly, try for once a month to begin with.
The friend who hasn't had a date night - doing read anything into that. Many couples find it easier to see friends than eachother because they don't have a suitable babysitter.

🍿

He has a social life outside of the home. I think you need to get one to. It's healthy to have outside interests, and it gives you something to talk about. You both need to be individuals in your own right and not just wife, mum, sister etc always meeting other peoples needs. You need to do a class or join something so you're getting down time. Start building your own social circle onstead of being jealous of his. My mum friends do a range of different things including choir, book club, line dancing, zumba, gym and I'm learning sign language. Think about what you want to do and go for it

If you can't find a hobby how about an evening job or voluntary work?

A job will give you extra cash and either would help you meet more people and maybe make new friends

He doesn’t go out too much, you’re jealous because you don’t! Why don’t you go to the gym or a class or cinema or dinner alone and he can look after the baby? Then you get time yourself as well.

You haven’t been through ivf have you

You can't plan your life around your friends. If you want to be out, go out. Invite them, they might come. Even with no childcare, they still have their spouses (just like your DH has you...). Or find something new to do by yourself, doesn't have to be an organised hobby.
Don't get sucked into competitive martyrdom.

I’m a grandmother but I remember the days when my kids were babies.

We belonged to an informal babysitting group and we’d go out once or twice a month - concerts or dinner - and babysat for others in return.

We’d host dinners every now and again and we often had friends over for Sunday lunch.

But all along I’d go out by myself at least once a month. Opera, theatre, concert etc - it wouldn’t have occurred to me to stop doing these things.