To think parents who go too hard on the Santa thing are setting themselves up for heartbreak?

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

This week I’ve seen on MN people saying that they still put a “stocking from Santa” out for their teen and even adult children, refuse to tell them he’s not real even when the subject is broached, that their elderly mums and middle aged DHs are “firm believers” in Santa and that they have a rule “If you don’t believe you don’t receive”. I’ve also seen people say Santa is the entirety of Christmas magic. Even that Santa brings ALL the presents

Now my own situation is that DD is 11 and has a pretty good bullshit detector, she declared aged 6ish that she knew Santa wasn’t real and I said that’s fine but please play along for your brother (which she has) and that she will still get presents obviously. If I tried to tell her now that Santa was real she’d do that pre-teen eyeroll probably cringe herself inside out. DS is nearly 8 and still believes, though it’s really touch and go as he’s mentioned some of his mates don’t believe, and I doubt he will believe next year. However he is ridiculously honest and he’d never ever play along with a pretence when he knows the truth. If I told him he wouldn’t get presents if he didn’t believe in Santa, he’d be sick with worry because he’d take is as gospel rather than what it means which is “If you don’t PRETEND to believe you don’t receive”

On top of Lapland visits, the snowy footprint thing, the apps where you can photoshop photos and videos with Santa delivering presents into your house…AIBU to think some parents are hingeing too much on their kids believing in a pretend man and when their kids find out (which they will) it will be all the harder that it was pushed so hard? I’ve heard of children crying for days over finding out he doesn’t exist and even kids going to secondary still believing!

I also think it’s a bit gaslighty to pretend to teens that he exists, and really infantilising. Teens often already think their parents are just the saddest people going, better to not encourage them.

As for all presents being from Santa - I just assumed everyone did stockings from Santa, but some people let a non existent man take the credit for present buying! Sod that 😂

Isn't all the presents from Father Christmas more of an American thing?
I have two older teenagers who obviously don't believe anymore (were probably about 10 when they stopped believing) but of course they still get stocking, so do DH and I. 4 year old is ND and doesn't understand Christmas or presents but he gets a stocking too.
Every child gets to an age where they don't believe. No parent is going to not do their child a stocking because they think Father Christmas will do it.
Let parents crack on. It is magical even if it's make believe and it doesn't last long.
If you're worried about your son being upset re presents then just don't say "you won't get any if you don't believe." Why would you say that anyway?

On Mumsnet you get toddlers who've apparently worked out its a "lie" and children who apparently need to be told before starting Secondary school.

In reality... they sort of realise its a fun game around 7/8, and either let on or don't. They aren't traumatised... because its a game.

Santa is "real" in our house as in we will leave out a carrot, mince pie, a whisky for "santa" and a prosecco for "Mrs santa"... and stockings will be full on Christmas morning. In reality... everyone puts something in everyone else's stocking (kids are 11 and 13), and they worked out long ago that Danta and Mrs Santa have extremely similar tastes to DH and I in drinks.

But its fun.

Santa did stockings here, and a surprise gift..
Mum and Dad did the big gifts.
No way was "Santa" getting credit for expensive large ticket items.
Santa had so many children to deliver to, my children found that very believable.
Their stocking full of bits was always the big excitement. Full of Match Attacks and little bits and chocolate, a book etc.

Do you think they really believe in Santa OP?

I'm in Ireland and generally all the presents are from Santa and 'believing' in Santa goes on longer than in the UK.

Ive yet to come across a traumatised child. 🫠

You do you, OP. Why would you care what others do?

Personally, it's never crossed my mind to want 'credit'.

Everybody does it differently, i always had all presents from Santa/Father Xmas as a kid and I'm 51
My kids had all presents from Santa too ww are not American.

Nobody was traumatised when their mum or dad pretended to “take their nose” either and then found out it wasn’t their actual nose.

I genuinely lolled at this

Me either 🤷‍♀️

My step kids still believe in this and that elf on the shelf thing and they’re both teens. I assume they will grow out of it at some point.

They still believe because their mum puts an extraordinary amount of effort into it. Also, they have a birthday fairy visit them and she goes all out for that too. Kinda hard to criticise that level of commitment from a parent, even if it does seem a little silly and I have to leave the room sometimes. 🤣

Once my kids were secondary age they humoured us. They’re not stupid. They knew that we knew that they knew. But everyone played along as part of the Christmas magic and ritual.

They have lovely memories - no heartbreak here!

The people i know who go along with Santa with teens are only playing. They know the truth and they know their teens know the truth it is just being nostalgic about how things were as kids.

Anyone I know with a child approaching high school who genuinely still believes would tell them the truth in case they get ridiculed at school.

I dont believe anyone is trying to convince their teen it is real or that they must believe in Santa.

I don't understand convincing children who kind of know the truth that santa is real. I'm also not a fan of crazily over the top realistic things like lap land UK. Its easy to see something is pretend when santa lives in a grotto in the middle of a shopping centre in Croydon but it must be a bit mad to go to something that massive and high budget Just to find out it was all a lie.

I heard a lovely tip that once they get an inkling that santa isn't real to say 'you have a choice, if you like you can choose to believe In the magic or you can choose to BE the magic' they can then carry on playing along for another year or two or if they want to be the magic you can explain that St Nicholas was a real person but that now adults make the magic for the small children, and that that is the true magic of christmas. They can then help make Christmas magic for younger siblings or by 'playing along' with santa themed things etc.

I still do little stockings for any adult staying with us on Christmas Eve. But I’ve yet to hear of anyone over about 11 (SN excepted) who still believes! Dh and I still do one for each other - only the other day I scoffed the packet of fudge intended for his - 🐷 - must replace it.

I figured it out by about 10 and that was aeons ago - certainly wasn’t traumatised or ‘devastated’ - but still really enjoyed playing along for younger siblings.

Father Christmas and the tooth fairy are just a wee bit of magic for little ones. I wouldn’t want to deprive them of that. The real world kicks in soon enough.

I remember the first year I got to 'be Santa' in that I nibbled the pie, snapped the carrot and put the port back in the bottle because I was 19 and thought it was gross 😂 Felt like a right of passage!

Ohhh I want to keep this phrase in my pocket for when I need it 😍

Nope me either

I don't understand why people have to be so black and white - we pretend all sorts of ridiculous stuff in our family. Obviously my 13 and 11 year old are perfectly aware they aren't true, but we all pretend.

Common family lies told in our house include:

Strictly Come Dancing will be entirely cancelled if they don't do their homework and families across the country will be disappointed.
Dd1 is not our real child, but is a goblin provided by Jareth King of the Goblins that we became attached to.
Dp only pretends to run a tech company, he's really a spy.
I have the legal power to promote the dog to being an official child and demoted one of the dc to being a dog.

Tbh the fact that I still talk about santa coming (to dc who obviously knows he isn't real) seems to pale in comparison.

I want to be your friend 😂

• I have a dragon under my bed who has been known to eat children who bounce on his house.
• My son fully believed for about a year that our tv was voice activated. No idea I was stood in the doorway with the remote.
• We have fairies who play all sorts of tricks. Once they even swapped the kids from one bed to the other in the night.
• Oh and my boss is a witch, but the good kind who knows about potions and things in nature. This is one of my faves, because around halloween when kids start to talk about witches being horrid old hags my son calmly tells people that any one can be a witch, and he knows because he's hung out with one and she taught him about foraging!

I don’t know tbh, I’ve seen far more threads where people are handwringing about the possibility of kids being upset over santa than I have threads about kids actually being upset about Santa.

It just wasn’t a drama in my life. I don’t remember what age I was when I stopped believing, and I certainly didn’t feel betrayed or let down. We kept up a jokey pretence throughout my teen years where it was never acknowledged that he wasn’t real but equally none of us actually believed or thought anyone else did either. It just wasn’t an issue and I expect that’s true for most families.

I think it's natural for kids to find out and ask - and when they do they should be told the truth, praised for working it out and brought into the fun of being Father Christmas.

It rather disturbs me when parents go all out to try and convince growing up kids that it is still true. I've seen lots of posts on Facebook of people desperately trying to preserve an illusion the child is growing out of. The Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus approach of piling on the pressure to believe seems really unhealthy. While I wouldn't say it's traumatic, it is wrong to act as if there is so little wonder and kindness in the real world that we have to make it up. I also think it isn't great for the children's relationship with their parents either when they do discover it's not true.

I quite like this response to the Yes Virginia approach;
the-orbit.net/greta/2011/12/23/no-virginia-there-is-no-santa-claus/

It worked for us and my youngest is ten so Santy days are long behind his friends.

I am amazed at some people saying 10, 11 believe, simply because there are threads on here that would make you cry at what they are seeing at that age on phones!

We don't do phones here until 13 so I find the gap very interesting. One cohort on phones seeing awful things and the same demographic belief in Santy. It warrants some research.

The majority of children are just sharing the info on the adult lies. We tell children how dangerous secrets are, then they find out a secret 🤷‍♀️

I honestly think most children are pre programmed to call out lies. We teach them to not keep secrets with anyone for their protection. And then adults ask them to keep a secret.

To be fair we put a lot of expectations on young children.

My mum asks me to write a letter for Santa, I go out with her shopping and she writes things down and then goes to buy them another day and I still put out a stocking at her house along with her grandkids.

I know Santa isn't real, she knows that I know he isn't real but it's tradition and just what we do.

I don't think I was ever heartbroken.

I've done the same with my one child that now knows he isn't real. She's not heartbroken either.

Do children really compare to that extent? I’ve heard children reeling off what they got but I’ve never heard them specify that the iPad was from mummy and daddy but not Santa. Especially at the young age they generally believe in Santa.