To think parents who go too hard on the Santa thing are setting themselves up for heartbreak?

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

This week I’ve seen on MN people saying that they still put a “stocking from Santa” out for their teen and even adult children, refuse to tell them he’s not real even when the subject is broached, that their elderly mums and middle aged DHs are “firm believers” in Santa and that they have a rule “If you don’t believe you don’t receive”. I’ve also seen people say Santa is the entirety of Christmas magic. Even that Santa brings ALL the presents

Now my own situation is that DD is 11 and has a pretty good bullshit detector, she declared aged 6ish that she knew Santa wasn’t real and I said that’s fine but please play along for your brother (which she has) and that she will still get presents obviously. If I tried to tell her now that Santa was real she’d do that pre-teen eyeroll probably cringe herself inside out. DS is nearly 8 and still believes, though it’s really touch and go as he’s mentioned some of his mates don’t believe, and I doubt he will believe next year. However he is ridiculously honest and he’d never ever play along with a pretence when he knows the truth. If I told him he wouldn’t get presents if he didn’t believe in Santa, he’d be sick with worry because he’d take is as gospel rather than what it means which is “If you don’t PRETEND to believe you don’t receive”

On top of Lapland visits, the snowy footprint thing, the apps where you can photoshop photos and videos with Santa delivering presents into your house…AIBU to think some parents are hingeing too much on their kids believing in a pretend man and when their kids find out (which they will) it will be all the harder that it was pushed so hard? I’ve heard of children crying for days over finding out he doesn’t exist and even kids going to secondary still believing!

I also think it’s a bit gaslighty to pretend to teens that he exists, and really infantilising. Teens often already think their parents are just the saddest people going, better to not encourage them.

As for all presents being from Santa - I just assumed everyone did stockings from Santa, but some people let a non existent man take the credit for present buying! Sod that 😂

Maybe you could ask Father Christmas for a grip OP?

I’m 43 and my mum does me a stocking. And she still says “if you don’t believe you don’t get”.

I think you are weird OP

I was 13 when I finally stopped believing. A friend told me he wasn't real.
It didn't break my heart at all.
My eldest is 10 and I've always done 'all presents from Santa' he is starting to question is but also knows I don't have money to buy everything he asks for so in that regard he still believes he must be real
No heartbreak here

When my son was just turned 11 we had 'the chat'
He was asking a lot of questions in front of his 7 year old brother so I took him upstairs and asked if he wanted to ask me about it
He asked if Santa is real and I said
Yes - Santa was a real person. He lived many years ago and was a man who made toys for the local children and left them on their doorsteps on christmas eve as a suprise. When he died the families of those local children carried the tradition on leaving their children toys and then their children had children and so on and so forth until this act of kindness spread across the whole world. So while there is no man in a red suit with flying reindeer the idea of Santa - being kind to others with no expectation of a reward is real. Me and your dad are Santa to you the same as my mum and dad were Santa to me. One day you will be Santa to your own children. Now you know you get to be Santa to to your brother - you can help us with the elf and have a mince pie on christmas eve.

He was fine with it and has kept the magic going for his brother.

I know the explanation may not be 100% legit but it seemed to do the trick.

I have 2 DS, now in their twenties. I told them that Santa was a lovely story, and some people believe he is real so not to spoil it and say the truth if their friends don't know. I couldn't imagine telling my DC a bunch of lies. They still have stockings which we joke about being from Santa, and they have presents from us, always have done. I know a lot of parents won't agree but I don't see why I'd tell my kids untruths as I wouldn't do it at any other time of the year.

I think the Santa thing is both ridiculously saccharine and horribly communist so I won’t be winning any awards for Christmas spirit. But that’s the problem - I love Christmas. Just not fucking Santa!

And you think the OP is weird 😂

3 children. No heartbreaks.

I never told mine officially Santa wasn't real but they just clocked on eventually, probably later primary years. It's just a little joke now they are mid teens, I joke they'll be up later than Santa on Xmas Eve etc (they still get a stocking) and they joke back Santa better have his drink, mince pie AND the carrot needs eating too. They aren't traumatized OP, it just becomes an in joke for everyone. Adults can still believe in magic of they want!

I think when people say they still believe in santa as an adult, or their elderly parent 'firmly believes', they don't literally mean they believe.
They mean they believe in the notion, in as much as if enough people believe something then it exists in their collective minds and imaginations, and is sort of real.
They go along with the rituals for nostalgic reasons and it puts them in touch with a simpler time when they truly did believe.

Of course adults know santa isn't real or their kids would never have had any gifts would they.

Belief and reality are different things. People like to hold on.

I read that thread and I think you got the totally wrong end of the stick, @EvilsElsasPetSnowman. Anyway, aren't threads about threads banned?

People were talking about their 80 year old mums saying 'she's a believer'. It's like in the style of Christmas movies (I think it's Miracle on 34tu Street?). It means you are into the spirit of things and willing to pretend to enjoy the magic.

Mine are still little. Toddler and babies but we’ll be doing everything from Santa because we don’t need the credit and one day, they will understand that it was us after all one day.

I read that thread and i think you're taking it a bit literally @EvilsElsasPetSnowman
Kids 'go along' with it, and so do some adults, for years. We all know it's just a charade. From about the age of seven, give or take.

This week I’ve seen on MN people saying that they still put a “stocking from Santa” out for their teen and even adult children, refuse to tell them he’s not real even when the subject is broached, that their elderly mums and middle aged DHs are “firm believers” in Santa and that they have a rule “If you don’t believe you don’t receive

It's a bit of fun & Christmas tradition. I'm over 50 & my Mum still does a stocking for me. She always buys me something that's referred to as my 'Santa Claus present' - but it's ok i know she buys it

Right up until the Christmas before he died (I was in my 40s) my Dad always went into the living room 'to check he'd been' he'd peer in then throw open the door announcing Santa's been. We all knew he hasn't you know because we're adults, we know he doesn't exist but we can still enjoy family traditions and have a bit of fun despite being grown up

And like pp I dont know anyone who's had any lasting trauma when they find out Santa's not real

I have never openly admitted to ds(20) that Santa doesn't exist, but he has known since about 8-9ish and it has been a nudge/wink type of conversation.

We never overdid the Santa with special paper, snow footprints, elf of shelf etc. A visit to see Santa preschool age, and presents appearing in the morning and that was it.

The "magic" of Santa and Christmas in general is very real. Most kids over 9 and all adults know there isn't an actual man.

Any NT kid over 9 who "cries for days" when they work it out has bigger resilience issues than Santa. Any child/adult I know was just pleased with themselves they had worked it out (as they knew mum and/or dad would still bring the presents)

Going hard on Christmas isn't really a new thing. I'm 37 now and as a kid I always got a mountain of present under the tree, they were all from Santa which made Christmas even more magical for me. My parents did the footprints and the cotton wool stuck to Santa's glass of milk etc. We did multiple Santa visits etc. Loads of my favourite childhood memories are from Christmas time. I figured it out around 10/11 for myself, a bit before my parents broke the news to me and Christmas isn't traumatising for me now I promise.

My children are so excited for Christmas right now and I absolutely love that for them.

I can the desire, I've been there with other special occasions, I think those really wrapped up in it being perfect are putting more stress on themselves than are needed and can have the opposite effect to what they want.

My mother was like this - she did all these different activities and had the nonsense that even though Santa only brought one present, we were threatened to not having any presents if we didn't believe. She made Christmas a performance for her that we had to take part in.

As an adult I don't celebrate Christmas, I don't have one positive memory. I'm sure tiny me must have enjoyed some part of it, but I can't recall anything. l have no memories of believing in Santa or any of my siblings doing so (my parents weren't exactly quiet taking things from their room to the living room, I think they had a thing about drinking while they did it), it was always about what my mother wanted and the image of it. I'm glad this was in the 80s-90s, I can only imagine how bad it would have been today.

I think there can be benefit in discussing how some of the stress to fit this image of Christmas comes from others. It's not really 'you do you' when so much of this is getting pushed socially and by marketing (and that's before getting to the wild ones who say shite like I've had of being accused of child abuse for not getting my kids a tree to decorate...).

I never believed in Santa even though my parents used to swear he was real and make up stories about talking to elves etc. One year my dad even made footsteps with soot on the floor for Christmas morning.
But every year they put the presents under the tree drunk after the pub and made a huge racket. I saw my mum fill my stocking more than once. Once they crashed out before they put the presents out and when we woke my mum up in the morning she had to tell us to get back in bed so she could “check something” and go quickly sort it out (very obvious what she was doing). At least twice my dad missed Christmas morning because he passed out on someone else’s couch after a house party.
If people want to put loads of effort into the whole Santa thing and they actually follow through, fair play to them. I think most kids know it’s just a game underneath. It’s just a bit of fun for them.
I have actually told my dd it’s a game people play from the start but only because she’s just not the type to accept it. She’s a born sceptic. She still gets a lot of fun out of it.
I do worry about what if she says that to other kids (she’s six) but I’m not going to swear to it and start making up gibberish just for that reason.

Same here!! In my experience it comes to a natural end around 9-11, and if there are younger DC you ask the older one(s) not to spoil it for them.

And that’s it.

Ah this is fab, I love that your mum still does you a stocking!

My daughter's never actually said they didn't believe but ,now in their 30s, I am sure they don't. Whenever they found out they weren't traumatised.

No, kids work it out for themselves so there's no big revelation to get upset over. It's fun while they're very young but they gradually work it out. It's part of growing up.

I feel much the same way about Santa, but please, as a child abuse and domestic violence survivor don't compare it to gaslighting. It's not even close .

It’s just a bit of fun!

My 12 year old hasn’t believed for a while but she will still text me things and ask me ‘to let Santa know’ that she wants it. It’s just lighthearted. She also insists we still do the elf on a shelf and Santa gifts etc. as she enjoys playing make believe with it all.

My 21 year old with significant additional needs is a firm believer and despite the fact we told him the truth when he was 13 (to try and prevent bullying from other children about this) he is still adamant Santa is real.

It’s really not that deep. Let people do what makes them happy.

This is really odd, OP. No one actually pretends to teens or adults that Father Christmas exists 😂