To think parents who go too hard on the Santa thing are setting themselves up for heartbreak?

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

This week I’ve seen on MN people saying that they still put a “stocking from Santa” out for their teen and even adult children, refuse to tell them he’s not real even when the subject is broached, that their elderly mums and middle aged DHs are “firm believers” in Santa and that they have a rule “If you don’t believe you don’t receive”. I’ve also seen people say Santa is the entirety of Christmas magic. Even that Santa brings ALL the presents

Now my own situation is that DD is 11 and has a pretty good bullshit detector, she declared aged 6ish that she knew Santa wasn’t real and I said that’s fine but please play along for your brother (which she has) and that she will still get presents obviously. If I tried to tell her now that Santa was real she’d do that pre-teen eyeroll probably cringe herself inside out. DS is nearly 8 and still believes, though it’s really touch and go as he’s mentioned some of his mates don’t believe, and I doubt he will believe next year. However he is ridiculously honest and he’d never ever play along with a pretence when he knows the truth. If I told him he wouldn’t get presents if he didn’t believe in Santa, he’d be sick with worry because he’d take is as gospel rather than what it means which is “If you don’t PRETEND to believe you don’t receive”

On top of Lapland visits, the snowy footprint thing, the apps where you can photoshop photos and videos with Santa delivering presents into your house…AIBU to think some parents are hingeing too much on their kids believing in a pretend man and when their kids find out (which they will) it will be all the harder that it was pushed so hard? I’ve heard of children crying for days over finding out he doesn’t exist and even kids going to secondary still believing!

I also think it’s a bit gaslighty to pretend to teens that he exists, and really infantilising. Teens often already think their parents are just the saddest people going, better to not encourage them.

As for all presents being from Santa - I just assumed everyone did stockings from Santa, but some people let a non existent man take the credit for present buying! Sod that 😂

They’re all over MN!

Well I would take whet you read on here with a pinch of salt tbh or of they do say it its tongue in cheek .

Except for this thread

I remember being about 8 when we discovered that my parents and the next door neighbour hid each other's santander presents. I had known it was really my parents for a couple of years but obviously you play along in case the presents stop. We spent years swapping notes with the kids next door.

My adult children don't actually believe in Father Christmas and there is never a threat of you don't get anything if you don't believe. They know we fill it, they wink at the camera when putting out their stockings for Father Christmas. It is a tradition they have done since they were toddlers so it is just a continuation of that along with matching pyjamas.

They were also not "heartbroken" when they found out he wasn't real. Ds1 found out because some smug arsehole kid at school decided to tell everyone he wasn't real just before Christmas.

Father Christmas only fills a stocking with token gifts at this house, the main presents have always come from us and any other present is handed to my child by the giver so they know who to thank. I think using words like heartbroken is weird, mine were genuinely heartbroken when their Grandmas had cancer and died. Father Christmas not being real but still receiving gifts? More like a teeny bit disappointed for 2 minutes.

I'm 36 and still get a santa sack, he leaves it at my Mum's house because obviously that's where he knows to drop off my presents...

I don't plan on ever telling my children that Santa isn't real. It's part of the magic.

Get over yourself.

You do you OP.

My teen's do not believe in Santa obviously, but they still have 1st Dec boxes, stockings and sacks and it is labelled from Santa.

They play along for their younger siblings ( 5 and 4) and their older brother, who has profound learning disabilities and still believes whole heartedly- he is 20!

We do family Christmas experiences too, as it is nice to do things together and spend quality time, as a family.

My Mum still does me a stocking from Santa at 50!

I would say I was very upset by my mother’s reaction, when I was 6. Looked horrified (when I said children at school said he didn’t exist). Dragged me into a bedroom and started tearfully pleading and begging me not to tell younger siblings. I had no idea what I’d done wrong and was so upset. I felt so guilty.

This was not an isolated incident though and her reactions were always very extreme.

but my view was always: you want your children to trust you. Why would you lie to them?

Lol at gaslighting teens, it’s just a bit of fun, and they are all playing along.
By the time they are teens they have been playing along for YEARS, probably, you know because they enjoy it, maybe feel a bit nostalgic for being a little kid, still look forward with genuine excitement to a stocking full of little gifts, whatever.

They are not eye-rolling because obviously they know everyone knows it’s just a bit of Christmas fun.
It would be like eye rolling when you went to the theatre because it wasn’t realistic.

Whereas in fact people still enjoy going to the theatre - even teens sometimes.

I just said to teen DD “The dog says hurry up with his dinner, he’s looking forward to quality time in his basket later and you’re cutting it short”

Said teen did not roll her eyes, inform me dogs can’t talk and feel gaslit.
She said “Ooh sorry <dogs name> can I make it up to you with the crust from my toast?”
And the dog said “you better believe you can!”

My DS was upset when I said No of course not when he asked me . I can't remember what age but I thought I was only confirming what he already knew . Felt terrible. He said he felt it was the loss of no longer being a child and entering the harsh world of adult things . Very sensitive guy but now at 30 I hope he got over it .

My kids are like your dd and worked it out by age 6 and didn’t care.

I don’t think that kids are traumatised by Santa any more than when adults pretend that kids are a princess or Spiderman when they dress up. Would you ds really not play along when a young child is dressed up and wanted him to pretend that they were that character ? My kids are on the practical and cynical side but wouldn’t piss on a child’s parade. It’s no different to drink a pretend cuppa made by a toddler in their toy kitchen or something.

I think that the older kids are, the more likely they are to be gutted when they find out so it becomes cruel not to tell them.

You should probably pay for counselling just in case.

My DM is 80 and she still knows he’s real, she loves her stocking. My Dnephews are in their 30’s and get a Santa stocking too, why wouldn’t they, they’ve been good all year! My youngest DD13 is totally onboard WITH PLAYING ALONG, but we are never quite sure when the kids make that transition, because the same as the tooth fairy, believing is FUN.

The biggest problem with santa families is that they rely on everyone else upholding the lie for them. Nobody cares about what people do in their own family, but expecting ALL toddler parents to teach their children that he exists and getting upset if their dc find out at nursery is just all kinds of wrong.

It's a fair value to refuse lying to your kids surely, not to mention the cultures that don't celebrate Christmas. I find it really absurd to try and enforce a nationwide belief, even if it is for toddlers.

As for those aged 5 upwards, so any of them still believe or just pretend? I'm definitely not lying to mine at that age. It seems so much more special to get presents from friends and family anyway.

We just do small santa stocking type things but never pretend it's real.

Definitely, the number of adults in therapy because they’ve just found out he’s not real is rising every year. It’s the biggest issue we face in modern society.

I've never met a child over 7 (ish) who believes in Santa.

All the talk is exactly that.

I haven't seen anyone say 'don't believe won't receive' to their children.

Can you post a link to some of these posts?

Not saying I don't believe you, I have just genuinely never seen anyone say this, (that if their children don't believe in Santa, they will receive no Christmas presents.)

.

We made the choice to never have Santa….turned out it was a good call as youngest DS was told about Santa in reception. He was so horrified a man he did not know might appear in his bedroom he set up some pretty lethal traps. His dad found them the hard way when he popped in to check on him before we went to bed.

As others have said you choose what is right for your individual kids and family needs and circumstances.

DH wasn't heartbroken, but he was furious when he discovered his parents had been lying to him. And if they'd lied about that, what else had they lied about? Not lying is very important to him, and so DD has always known that Santa isn't real. She was very good at playing along with the story at nursery/school, and didn't let slip until about 9 (and the child's mum said she thought he'd worked it out anyway).

Have You ever stopped to think that the recipients really don’t mind and just go along with it for the fun?

Seriously, worry about something else. Or do a poll of all your nearest and dearest. If 80 % + say they’re traumatised then you may have a point.

You're overthinking it OP, just do what suits you and your family

I agree with you OP about going overboard on this. Does not mean you should not ask an older child to play along until younger ones similarly find out Santa is not real.

Too much hype happens for many events, so not a bad lesson for life to avoid going overboard with some of the things the OP mentioned.

But Santa is real!!! # I believe! 😂 There has to be some fun and magic in life.

I hear you OP, we had the whole drama lamas on a social WhatsApp group going on about keeping Xmas safe from non believers 🤣🤣🤣🤣

My kids had no time for the nonsense from school age, they also didn't believe in flying unicorns and managed to have navigated a happy childhood.

They also have a real issue with lying. So 🤷‍♀️ what can I do I am not going to make my children lie. They are thoughtful and due to their school are well verses in 'every family has different beliefs'

I still do stockings for everyone, from Grandma down to the kids. No one believes it's Santa - I just love a Christmas Stocking!!
I'm sure most kids must find out by the end of primary school, whether or not their parent tell them. I never pushed it, feels kind of weird to lie outright if you are asked. For myself, I found out the truth when I was about five years old, and was a very nervous child who got hysterical at the though of a beardy stranger coming down our chimney!! I loved Christmas though, and was always the most excited in the family, Santa or not.