To think parents who go too hard on the Santa thing are setting themselves up for heartbreak?

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

This week I’ve seen on MN people saying that they still put a “stocking from Santa” out for their teen and even adult children, refuse to tell them he’s not real even when the subject is broached, that their elderly mums and middle aged DHs are “firm believers” in Santa and that they have a rule “If you don’t believe you don’t receive”. I’ve also seen people say Santa is the entirety of Christmas magic. Even that Santa brings ALL the presents

Now my own situation is that DD is 11 and has a pretty good bullshit detector, she declared aged 6ish that she knew Santa wasn’t real and I said that’s fine but please play along for your brother (which she has) and that she will still get presents obviously. If I tried to tell her now that Santa was real she’d do that pre-teen eyeroll probably cringe herself inside out. DS is nearly 8 and still believes, though it’s really touch and go as he’s mentioned some of his mates don’t believe, and I doubt he will believe next year. However he is ridiculously honest and he’d never ever play along with a pretence when he knows the truth. If I told him he wouldn’t get presents if he didn’t believe in Santa, he’d be sick with worry because he’d take is as gospel rather than what it means which is “If you don’t PRETEND to believe you don’t receive”

On top of Lapland visits, the snowy footprint thing, the apps where you can photoshop photos and videos with Santa delivering presents into your house…AIBU to think some parents are hingeing too much on their kids believing in a pretend man and when their kids find out (which they will) it will be all the harder that it was pushed so hard? I’ve heard of children crying for days over finding out he doesn’t exist and even kids going to secondary still believing!

I also think it’s a bit gaslighty to pretend to teens that he exists, and really infantilising. Teens often already think their parents are just the saddest people going, better to not encourage them.

As for all presents being from Santa - I just assumed everyone did stockings from Santa, but some people let a non existent man take the credit for present buying! Sod that 😂

I am 46 and still get a stocking off Santa (my parents).

When I lived at home dad had to go down and check he had been even when DBro and I were in our 20s !!

I have managed to hold down a happy marriage, professional job, and bring up three kids during this so I really don't think it does any harm.

My three teens (one adult) ask for things from Santa and understand whilst I have breath in my body there will be snowy footprints on Xmas morning! It's fun and we all enjoy it.

I agree OP, and these children will be on mumsnet in 20 years complaining that ‘Christmas doesn’t feel magical anymore…’

Like a pp mine was a born sceptic and never bought into the Santa thing past about 4. Although at about 8 we came across a really authentic looking Father Christmas in a cafe ( he was randomly having a cup of tea) and she was mesmerised - especially when he talked to her. He was a really good FC! She was back to being a non believer within about 24hrs. She understood that others might believe and didn't actively set out to destroy the magic. She did get annoyed as a tween with a friend who was insistent that FC was real and told the friend what was what.

We've always put out refreshments for FC and do the letter up the chimney for FC. Presents are all from FC (which with hindsight we should have just had a stocking from FC but as she was sceptical from a young age it was largely just a bit of fun). We do pantomime, we track Santa with NASA and there international space station
We don't do elf. Our FC visits stopped from about 7/8.

We did have the rule that if you said out loud you didn't receive, simply because dd2 was determined to tell as many younger people as possible when she found out. So to stop that, I said that was the rule. She wasn't certain enough to test me.

It was very effective at keeping her quiet, and she's an adult now and not traumatised. Nor are the other two.
I'm more traumatised by the fact I never got a Mr Frosty.

I never get this ‘Santa isn’t real’ issue - there was a saint called Saint Nickolas. He wasn’t magic or living in the North Pole, but there is documented evidence he existed as a normal (and very kind) man who was the patron Saint of children.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Claus

Isn’t it the same as giving someone a valentine in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, another person who is also long gone?

Same.

I think you are overthinking it!

I stopped believing when I was about 9, but I went along with it for a good 6/7 years as siblings younger. Not a big deal.

I tell my 13 and 15 yo only people who believe get presents. I’ve never ‘had the conversation’ that he wasn’t real.

They don’t actually still believe in Santa though 😂

They play along with me. It’s a bit of fun 🤷‍♀️

You're not wrong, but then plenty of people also want to believe in God. It's not really a big difference of philosophy. "Just because you've not seen him doesn't mean he's not real". Why not really. Whatever brings people comfort and succour. Wish I believed in God, or Santa, it'd be nice

I think 'heartbeak' and the mere mention of gaslighting are visibly hyperbolic, but a chain son destin...
I've never done Father Christmas, Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy etc with my DC - which probably makes me the spawn of Satan in most people's estimation, but I can live with that - but I don't know any children older than 6 or 7 these days who still 'believe'.

53 and still recovering from Santa trauma.

Isn't it just a name, the Santa stocking? For me this is just a way of saying it's little bits and pieces rather than a main present and my parents will still do a stocking from Santa now.

I don't think anyone is 'heartbroken' over it. Just a bit of fun at Christmas time and while my children are still believers, I can already picture my son rolling his eyes at me as I will still produce a stocking for him even when he knows it's not real

I was the same.

It didn't help that both my parents lied regularly about all kinds of ridiculous things for attention. My mum once went round a holiday park telling all the kids she was one of the Teletubbies 🙄

So I was really mad when I found out. Never trusted them again, just felt really let down. Santa was the only man that was reliable and looking out for me at the time because my parents had split up and my dad rarely bothered to see me (maybe once or twice a year). So Santa was the one male role model I had in my life. He got taken away from me too.

Why is Mumsnet filled with posts about children who are always traumatised or expected to be traumatised by complete non-issues?! I don’t know anyone ever who was scarred as a child when they found out Santa wasn’t real. Nobody was traumatised when their mum or dad pretended to “take their nose” either and then found out it wasn’t their actual nose.

When my Secret Santa gift is signed ‘from Santa’. I know it’s not actually Santa and Bob from accounts instead. It’s just for craic.

Star

I was upset the year I suspected he didn't exist (aged around 6 or 7) but not because of the idea of losing some sort of magic. My mother wouldn't tell me he didn't exist but nor was she convincing enough to dispell my doubts.

I was tormented by the idea that if I didn't know if he was real or not, then when I had my own children I wouldn't know what to do. If I bought them presents but he turned out to be real they would have too many presents but if I didn't buy any and it turned out he didn't exist then they would have nothing to open.

I can remember being very very distressed at this seemingly impossible problem. In the end I decided that the only way to find out was to never say to my parents the one thing I really wanted for Xmas and to write a letter to Santa without my parents knowing. If I got what I wanted I would know he existed, if I didn't I would know he didn't exist.

I didn't get what I wanted so that solved the question for me but I also ended up with a present I didn't really want (and we only used to have one main present).

Looking back now I think it's quite sad that my mother wouldn't just tell me the truth.

I see both sides, but I made an absolute nightmare for myself. Twins started to disbelieve a bit too early in my opinion at the time - I went through a daft, overly complicated sleight of hand with letters in both the upstairs and downstairs fire places (and a next door friend sneaking in unheard) that completely reconverted them. I got them exactly what they asked for, despite them knowing I couldn’t possibly have seen the letters as they were clearly on fire by the time I saw themand I’d not left their sight. They became evangelical. Utterly reborn believers that were feverishly spreading the word at school to anyone that would listen .

Then my girl accidentally spotted ‘Santa's’ wrapping paper that had been hastily shoved in our en-suite on Christmas Day the next year. It wasn’t a nice day for her.

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The teens know it’s just for fun, it’s no gaslighting. I do think you can go OTT though. My 7 year old has started to question it and I have decided not to do the magic photo of Santa by the tree etc because it feels dishonest. I’m not going to tell him the truth outright though as he seems so young to be over that part of his childhood already.

Describing this as trauma is pretty minimising for kids who genuinely have gone through traumatic situations.

🎺📯 this!

I remember having a chat with my nephew when he was a young teen. He knew the truth of Christmas by then, however he said 'but you know, sometimes I still like to pretend it's all real'. That right there felt magical. He understood the truth, but also how transporting and special the pretending can be.

So, idk, 'forcing' people to pretend otherwise they don't get pressies feels odd to me, but everyone kinda carrying on the story with a twinkle in their eye and the grown ones being part of the club which keeps the magic alive is still lush to me.

It's all just a bit of fun. Simple as that

I do think it's wrong to give credit to Santa for very expensive gifts because then children who do believe and comparing notes back at school are quick to tease that x must have been bad because they didn't get the expensive fad when in reality the parents couldn't afford it or aren't willing to buy for ethical reasons perhaps! In my house Santa only brought modest stockings with quite frankly useful items, sweets a board game to share. Thankfully DD's best friend's parents did the same and my other dc being autistic didn't do chatter at school (we broke her heart at 12 explaining Santa was real)

I’d agree with you. I mean my kids are 9-14 but we leave port and mince pies out for (me) Santa. It’s always been a nice story and a token gift. I don’t think any of them take it seriously. I do think if you make a big deal out of Santa then it may turn into an issue further down the line.

This will be my response when DS asks, different people believe different things, same as when he asks me about Jesus.

We do small stockings and so far he still believes (almost 6) but pretty sure someone at school will spoil it soon. So when he says to me little Johnny says father Christmas isn't real, I'll say different people believe different things and leave it at that.
I do think it's not nice that some children take great pleasure in ruining something other children enjoy, on purpose. There's always one gleeful kid shouting about how it's not real with the insinuation you are either stupid or babyish if you think it is.