To be annoyed at my neighbour?

[PeachHog]

Moved into a lovely semi detached, private rented, 18 months ago. Have 2 kids 7 and 10, it's fair to say that we've not been the quietest family. Like many we argue most days, kids play loudly, and we probably haven't been as aware of noise as we should have been. There's a single mother next door with a teenage daughter. DH put a dartboard up on adjoing wall a few weeks ago, however he didnt realise it would be heard by next door until we could hear her turn the music up whenever he was throwing darts.

However, this is what annoyed me - instead of coming to talk to us, she's went directly to the landlord to complain about the unreasonable level of noise and the dartboard! Landlord's now annoyed we didn't agree this with him first (we should have) and now im terrified we're at risk of losing our home. Aibu to think that even though we were in the wrong, she should have come to us first instead of going directly to the landlord? I had no idea she even knew him.

I mean yeah. Everything will be heightened now. She could have spoken with you but she didn’t. 🤷‍♀️

When you say " Like many we argue most days, kids play loudly, and we probably haven't been as aware of noise as we should have been", honestly do you mean that she's never talked to you about the noise before, and it's never crossed your mind that you maybe make a bit too much noise? Or do you mean she has asked you to be quieter, but in your mind your kids are just being kids and the noise isn't that bad so you've just ignored her?

If you mean the first one, then you VERY MUCH need to be aware of how much noise you are making, and tone it down, and obviously you need to place the dart board elsewhere, but yes she should have come to you before seeing the landlord. If you mean the second one, then you are being deliberately disrespectful of her, and going to the landlord was her only option. If you do get evicted - well maybe it will teach you to be less selfish.

In an ideal world, yes, one should be straightforward. However she was probably nervous of you, she doesn't know you, you are just chavvy new neighbours to her who play darts in the garden and have noisy kids. I'm not sure I would have wanted to confront you. There have been endless threads on Mumsnet in which people have said they are scared and/or intimidated by neighbours. Don't forget, she is a single person with a daughter, she doesn't have a partner to back her up.

I doubt you'll lose your home as long as you have assured the landlord you'll keep quieter from now on, and won't knock any more holes without permission, as long as you pay your rent.

Why not apologise to your neighbour, invite her round for a meal or something so she can be reassured you are not as bad as you sound.

Too volatile a household to risk approaching any of you probably.
That said, if you take on board the complaint and stop throwing darts at your walls then there's no reason to think you'll be scrutinised going forwards unless you're being anti social again.

There is a raised voice getting my dc up and ready but not arguing. Me and dp never argue and neither do the kids. That much arguing is not normal. And the neighbour probably felt like they couldn't speak reasonably to such an aggressive sounding household. Also a dart board on a shared wall is ridiculous

At least you've admitted you've been inconsiderate - many wouldn't. I hope you can find resolution with your marriage problems. He sounds like a knob

Rather than being the sole cause for complaint the dartboard was probably just the straw that broke the camels back.

'Like many we argue most days, kids play loudly, and we probably haven't been as aware of noise as we should have been. There's a single mother next door with a teenage daughter. DH put a dartboard up on adjoing wall a few weeks ago, however he didnt realise it would be heard by next door until we could hear her turn the music up whenever he was throwing darts.'

Not like many, not normal behaviour to argue every day and be very inconsiderate of neighbours.

Perhaps you will be more considerate now.

I’m considering doing the same with my extremely noisy and inconsiderate neighbours
You knew it was an adjoining wall yet continued regardless. You knew why she was turning the music up but still kept up with the noise.
I’d imagine she’s at her wits end and if you’re continuously arguing with each other she probably didn’t want you to turn on her
You owe her an apology

how many times were darts played with music being turned up, did you realise why and make the link? More than twice then yes YABU and anyone ever who has had, or been in the vicinity of a dart board, knows it thuds on the wall so not to put it up on an adjoining one ! I agree with others arguing every day is not normal.

Yes most neighbours would accept a level of noise from having kids next door, but you may have pushed the envelope slightly with the dart board, it would annoy me and I have annoying neighbours who I don’t complain about !

Honestly if I were you I'd leave a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine on the doorstep with a note saying you sincerely apologise for the noise and had no idea she could hear so much, and then keep quiet.

Don't knock and put her in a position where she has to have a chat.

Maybe leave your number on the note saying to please inform you if she can hear you or if the noise is noticeable and you'll then be more aware and put things in place to stop it.

Then just do your best to keep it down.

I'm just worried now that our every action is going to be scrutinised

I expect your every action WILL be scrutinised

You need to be a quiet and thoughtful neighbour

Great ideas.

@PeachHog your dh is the problem here.

Apologise to your ndn and work on an escape plan.

I think your normal is not my normal - it sounds very unpleasant.

Best of luck to you OP. It sounds like you've got enough on your hands with your "D"H before you bring the neighbours into it.

As a PP has said, I doubt the landlord will chuck you out, especially if you move the dart board and attempt to reign in the noise. When you have an adjoining house you can't always expect silence or no noise to travel, so the neighbours will have to put up with some noise.

Given your update, I would pop a note through their door, apologising for the noise, saying you've moved the dart board away (I'd possibly even throw your husband under the bus for that one - "I told him it shouldn't go there") and will work on keeping the noise down. Depending on what you think they're like, you could give them your number, or ask them to pop round or just bang on the wall in future.

Something tells me your household would be a lot quieter and calmer without your husband in it!

I think some people commenting are a bit uptight what the person means is people haggle with children daily about getting ready for school ect I don’t think she means full blown arguments , the odd argument is normal I get what u mean , I have no children but my neighbour does but I worked with children and understand they are young n lively so if there noisy for a bit know itl settle down before 9pm so hopefully ur the same but im a live & let live kind of person so your home will be safe i would just try take the dart board down & try limit the noise best u can iv worked with children so i understand u can’t expect them to sit in silence but yeah hope it gets better for you all 🙏🏼

Can you not see how this may appear from an outsiders perspective - they can hear arguments, thudding noises, loud music...

How are they to know you're approachable and non-confrontational when it sounds like you're absolutely the opposite of that?

Stick a card through their door, apologising profusely, and without a hint of sarcasm or snark!

Hopefully the dartboard is gone now - even without the risk of disturbing neighbours, that was always something that was likely to annoy a landlord with the damage darts do to walls!

Hats off to you for coming back and owning the situation.

Definitely a note apologising to next door and perhaps let your landlord know you've addressed the situation.

Think about getting rid of your husband and his dart board.

You put a dartboard on an adjoining wall and thought your neighbours wouldn’t hear you playing darts. Ok. I have lived next door to people like you and they were not approachable. Perhaps have a little self awareness and consideration for your neighbours.

Well done, we all make mistakes but you can put this one right with a bit of good will.

Yes, you will be stressed now, as I imagine they will be waiting for more to complain about.

It really is not normal to have a shouty aggressive family. However, that's what you are-you admit this.

So maybe you need to look at things another way, as it is very difficult to change long established behaviours.

Maybe you are not the type of people to live in a lovely semi detached in a nice area. You might be more at ease moving to an area amongst those who behave as your family does-where everybody roars and plays indoor darts on a party wall.

That way, you would be amongst people who wouldn't raise an eyebrow at your behaviour and you wouldn't have to worry about losing your home.

However, if you want to stay in your lovely semi detached then adjust your behaviour accordingly pretty sharpish. It's lovely area because your neighbours won't tolerate the type of family you seem to be. FIFO as they say.

This all sounds very hard OP.

Pop round to the neighbour and apologise. Say you didn’t realise how bad it was for them and will work on it. You never know when you need a food relationship with a neighbour.

And if you can, put some investing improving the quality of your life. You shouldn’t just have to put yourself under even more pressure to keep the noise down. Can you do anything to improve your relationship? Couples counselling? Serious calm conversation about how you work together to run your household and family? Leave?

It really isn’t good for your kids to live amongst arguing and noise.

Maybe start a thread on the Relationship board?

Just wondering OP, if you meant bickering, as in the kids bickering rather than arguing?