To be annoyed at my neighbour?

[PeachHog]

Moved into a lovely semi detached, private rented, 18 months ago. Have 2 kids 7 and 10, it's fair to say that we've not been the quietest family. Like many we argue most days, kids play loudly, and we probably haven't been as aware of noise as we should have been. There's a single mother next door with a teenage daughter. DH put a dartboard up on adjoing wall a few weeks ago, however he didnt realise it would be heard by next door until we could hear her turn the music up whenever he was throwing darts.

However, this is what annoyed me - instead of coming to talk to us, she's went directly to the landlord to complain about the unreasonable level of noise and the dartboard! Landlord's now annoyed we didn't agree this with him first (we should have) and now im terrified we're at risk of losing our home. Aibu to think that even though we were in the wrong, she should have come to us first instead of going directly to the landlord? I had no idea she even knew him.

A woman on her own doesn’t want to confront a household with a man who argues loudly. I wonder why.

I would always approach the neighbour first and would be really irritated if a neighbour went straight to the landlord. That said, have you made any effort to form a relationship with your neighbours such that they'd feel comfortable approaching you?

We've got new neighbours moving in next week and we'll be taking them a card/box of chocolates with our mobile number in case they need to ask anything/get in touch. I feel like it's important to get relationships off to the best start!

I'd be throwing them back over, hard, towards the house, their plants, their washing, them. If you hit or damage something - tough.

Or I'd be tempted to return them to them, in their wheelie bin on bin day for safekeeping - wouldn't want them blowing away, would we?!

I hope you manage to either move, or the boys grow out of football soon. That would do my head in.

Our next door neighbour (not attached either) has 3 kids. Other than a little bit of squealing when they're having a water fight in the garden in the summer, you wouldn't know they were there. They're such lovely, polite, kids.

@RoseJoker there isn't anything about OP's posts that make her seem intimidating or up for a fight to me! But I suppose if I was genuinely concerned about that I'd post a polite letter.

You sound like awful inconsiderate neighbours tbh

Great that you have acknowledged you are in the wrong and you will be working towards your daily rows not impacting your neighbours.

I mean this kindly OP, but if your neighbours are being impacted by your constant rows, it is probably time to consider how living amongst such anger is affecting your children. There is a much,much larger problem here than pissing off the neighbours!

How could you not consider that putting the dartboard there would be noisy on the other side? Especially if you have been hearing her turn the music up every time. I'd be reluctant to go to a neighbours who I hear arguing every day, it doesn't sound like you have been particularly considerate neighbours thus far, yet you expect her to be.

*ElaborateCushion *
Thank you for your very kind words, much appreciated. I have thrown balls back in the past, for years, but it's just got silly now.
I did a count a while ago, including what was in my garden, and what l could see in their garden from my bedroom window - 18 footballs in total. For three boys.
I agreed to return the balls once a week. On a Monday morning, so l (hopefully) get a peaceful weekend.
Currently there's one in my garden which came over my fence last night. They'll get that back on Monday. Three in a bin bag in my shed. Three stuck in the buddleias at the side of my house, a football, a rugby ball and a tennis ball in between the fence and the shed. Three behind the summer house.
None of which l can reach safely ;) (I'm 66 with arthritis).
The letting agent was here yesterday to do an inspection, she asked if things have calmed down, and l let her see all the balls that have come over from next door. She said it was ridiculous, and she has three kids.

I could knock on their door and ask them to come and get them. But bearing in mind that the last time l went they were in, but didn't answer the door to me, l can't see the point. I can't see them growing out of football soon, unfortunately, they're 14, 11 and 7.
I'm hoping to move to sheltered accommodation. There may still be noise, but not thudding balls and screaming for hours on end.

You have all my sympathy. I don't blame you for not throwing them back. I think you're very sensible to return them on a Monday. I hope the Christmas holidays, for your benefit, are rubbish weather, so they're not out playing all the time!

My parents live next door to a family with 3 or 4 children (I can't remember!). They don't play outside (thanks to them not looking after their garden!) but they cannot close a door without slamming it.

Thankfully most of my parents' living space is on the unconnected side of the house so once they close internal doors they can't hear it very much, but my mum did repeatedly slam one of their own internal doors at around 2am one night when they were having an argument and slamming doors and woke her up!

Oh to live somewhere where everyone could have at least a mile's gap between them and their neighbours!

ElaborateCushion
I'm away for Christmas, fortunately, but l'm putting a lock on my gates!

Oh, you have my sympathies re the door slamming. When l worked shifts l lived in a terraced house, an older lady lived next door with her teenage grandson.
They'd have screaming matches in the middle of the night (well.... that's not entirely true - l only ever heard her yelling), then doors slamming.
I approached her about it and she said "Well, you know who it is...." implying the grandson. I said "I only ever hear you shouting. No one else."
I said next time it happened l'd report them to the police and the council.
"Well l can't do anything about that...."
I didn't because l knew l'd have to admit it when l sold the house. So l bided my time. I got her landline number from the phone book. And every time it happened, next time l was on an early shift, and l was up at 5am, l'd withold my number and ring her landline. And then do it again at half six on my way to work from my mobile. Or later on, about 2am, after l got home from a late shift.
I don't know if it bothered them (she was retired) but it made me feel like l was getting a bit of revenge.
I would LOVE to live in a detached house, or even just somewhere where there's no nonsense like this. I'm actually attached to someone on the other side and she's gutted that l'm moving. As she said "You don't know who you're going to get, do you?"

Are you stuck?

If you two don't get on it's having a huge impact on your family

God love you OP.
So your partner is a complete waster and the neighbours are rightly nervous to approach.
You had better start thinking about alternative housing and maybe lose the waster.
In the interim, tell your children to be a lot quieter and if it is your partner causing problems, involve the police.

It sounds an awful situation for both you and that poor neighbour and her child.

You're the ones making the noise
You're aware your making the noise
And yet you still run riot in a house that isn't yours.
Respect the house and your neighbours
They probably wanted to avoid a confrontation

YABU. I would have gone straight to the landlord. Have some consideration for your neighbours.

My partner put an dartboard up on our outside wall, not attached to any neighbours. I had agreed to this, not realising how bloody loud and annoying it is, the constant thumping drives me absolutely crackers, but I agreed to it so can't complain.

However if it was the neighbours It would aggravate me massively. But also add in the constant arguing and kids running feral, I would hate it.

Your house should be soundproof enough to absorb normal everyday sounds. Ask your landlord for help.

Are you for real? You expect a woman on her own to confront a family of 4 who shout and argue? Why on earth have you not shown her any consideration whatsoever?!!
You are lucky she waited that long, and unless you start being more considerate, you deserve any fallout from your behaviour.
I would seriously be going round with flowers, an apology and promises to stop making so much racket in your position! It’s just not ok to make people uncomfortable or stressed in their own homes just so you can behave exactly how you want, when you want!

Put a xmas card through the door and apologise for being noisy fuckers

This is what annoys me about bad neighbours. They think the person who complained is in the wrong, not them for their original behaviour. If I’d heard you shouting ‘most days’ there’s no way I’d be knocking on your door to complain. I’d probably be expecting a mouthful back. Did you really think a dartboard on an adjoining wall wouldn’t be incredibly annoying. Unfortunately this is how bad neighbours get away with it, people are intimidated and there’s a mindset who blame the very people whose lives are affected by them on a daily basis, not the poor behaviour

LTB

You sound like nightmare neighbours, no wonder they have gone directly to the landlord.

Why can’t you just say to him “I agreed to this, but didn’t realise how loud it would actually be. Can you take it down please?” Or at least get him to use it when you aren’t there?

In an ideal world, we should be able to talk to our neighbours to sort out any problems, but in reality you can’t guarantee getting a positive reaction if you do approach them. Perhaps your neighbour has had a bad experience in the past, or didn’t fancy knocking on your door because of the constant arguing she can hear through the walls, and the bloody darts board must have been the last straw. Her reaction (turning up her music) might seem a bit passive aggressive but not everyone can deal
with conflict.