To be annoyed at my neighbour?

[PeachHog]

Moved into a lovely semi detached, private rented, 18 months ago. Have 2 kids 7 and 10, it's fair to say that we've not been the quietest family. Like many we argue most days, kids play loudly, and we probably haven't been as aware of noise as we should have been. There's a single mother next door with a teenage daughter. DH put a dartboard up on adjoing wall a few weeks ago, however he didnt realise it would be heard by next door until we could hear her turn the music up whenever he was throwing darts.

However, this is what annoyed me - instead of coming to talk to us, she's went directly to the landlord to complain about the unreasonable level of noise and the dartboard! Landlord's now annoyed we didn't agree this with him first (we should have) and now im terrified we're at risk of losing our home. Aibu to think that even though we were in the wrong, she should have come to us first instead of going directly to the landlord? I had no idea she even knew him.

I am very confident, but I am also aware that I am female living on her own.

Over the years a couple of ‘bully boy’ neighbours have thought they can push me around. I can tell the type, and there is often a wife standing one foot behind the idiot egging him on.

Therefore I don’t engage in neighborhood disputes. It’s not worth the agro.

You have described a lot of red flags - I would steer clear of you and would channel any complaints to the landlord:

I can deal with conflict, and have done, but i prefer not to.

As a landlord I would be looking to evict you for damage to the wall and being noisy.

I feel sorry for your neighbour

Yes - home should be calm. I have loads of confrontation at work. I manage it well.

i want home to be a calm oasis.

In the nicest way possible it's not just the people outside your house that are affected by you and your partner arguing. Your children are in the house and deserve to have parents who get along whether that means you live together or separately.

I would pop round with flowers/wine. Apologise and ask them to let you know if it happens again

This was me - I got so sick of the noisy, argumentative family next door that I went to the landlord. My reasons were that I knew the guy was a drinker and I didn't want to risk confrontation, plus they'd proven that they didn't give a shit if I was disturbed by their noise. I did feel a little anxious for a few days after, questioning if I'd done the right thing, but now I'm glad I did as they've quietened right down. They ignore me if we see each other, but tbh they weren't that friendly before I snitched either.

Im not surprised your neighbour didn't approach you first, they may have assumed your response would have been aggressive.

However now you realise that your actions have upset your neighbour perhaps it would be worth trying to build bridges.

I would knock with a gift of chocolates or a nice plant and apologise for the disturbance. Explain it away as you didn't realise how your noise was affecting them- your previous home was detached/had thicker walls/next property empty or other such explanation.

It's invaluable to have neighbours who you can get on with.

Neighbours like you make peoples lives a misery. By the time they get round to complaining they are already at the end of their tether. You know you are noisy but carried on anyway without any consideration. I had neighbours like you, arguing, shouting, TV so loud I knew which program they were watching. When I approached them they always apologized but continued being noisy. I was asked by the landlord to keep a diary of all noise and recordings on my phone. They were evicted without a reference. The whole road turned out and cheered when they left. I wasn't the only one fed up with them. If you want your neighbour to treat you nicely and with respect then you need to earn it and be a good neighbour.

"The whole road turned out and cheered when they left."

Bloody hell, where do you live? Walford? Weatherfield? 😂😂😂

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No, a nice area and everyone had had enough of them. Obviously I could hear the arguments but so could everyone else, he would beat his wife up in the road. It is the downside with buy to let unfortunately. It was certainly celebrated by everyone when they went, it was such a relief. I used to scoff at TV neighbours from hell, it doesn't seem possible until it happens to you.

Why on earth did you put the dartboard on the adjoining wall to the other house? When surely you must’ve realised it would make a noise and you had other walls to choose from? You need to be more considerate and courteous to your neighbours.

This is what annoys me about bad neighbours. They think the person who complained is in the wrong, not them for their original behaviour.
This. My neighbours stopped speaking to me for complaining about footballs constantly being kicked into my garden, for months on end, sometimes as many as five or six a day, with the associated noise and screaming.
I couldn't sit outside on my days off in the summer, or hang washing out.
Strangely, now it's coming up to Christmas, and l've taken three parcels in for them this week, she's decided she wants to be friends again....
I wasn't going to be the one to back down. But l knew this would happen.

I could not agree more.

Also, what makes me laugh/rage about this whole situation is that some friends of mine are currently going through the agonising process of applying to adopt a child, and they’ve been declined because she’s a bit overweight. Insanity. They’ve longed for a child for years, would be absolutely fantastic parents. Yet people like the moronic OP here are raising children in what sounds like a pretty awful environment and it’s just allowed to happen :(

I’d get your children to start using “ indoor voices “ and move the dartboard.
Then pop round to your neighbour with a box of chocolates and apologise for the noise .
The children next door to us can be noisy but we usually only hear that noise in good weather when they’re playing about outdoors .

@NavyOrca that is such a horrible thing to say. So OP has a noisy household, she sounds like she's strung out tbh. Her husband doesn't do anything for the kids, she doesn't get a say, she's stressed and they argue frequently. I don't think she's moronic, more like she's trapped! But oh she doesn't deserve her children because your pal would be much better 😳

The house next to us is privately rented and has been for the past 10 years. The landlord lived there for the previous 15 years and has dc the same age as mine. She still lives in town and I would certainly mention bad tenants. The ones there now are lovely but previous ones have been awful with the police making frequent visits. They did a moonlight flit. I do have quite a high tolerance level but a dartboard!

The house next door to me is rented, I know the lady who owns it and would always message her over the tenants if there's an issue as it's for her to sort out with them since contractually they aren't allowed to cause nuisance

Most neighbours would probably hope you might have enough self awareness to realise how noisy you are without needing to be told. They are probably thinking surely nobody can be this oblivious? With kindness your relationships with all around you will be a lot more harmonious if you were not in a relationship with someone you don’t get on with, That’s a household living in conflict from the start, bringing children up with someone you don’t get on with. You can still be good parents separately. Your lives will probably be a lot more peaceful apart too. If there had been endless noise and rows for this long I wouldn’t be approaching you either because I’d expect a family that’s always arguing to react badly. I would speak to your landlord instead about the chaos I’ve been having to listen to for months.

I've got absolute neighbours from Hell. The only way I have had any success at getting them to quieten down a bit is by going to the landlord.

It’s NOT normal to argue most days.

With young children in the house and arguing everyday . I'm surprised she hasn't called the police or social services. Imagine how horrible it is for them not being able to relax in their own home .

Like many we argue most days,
What on earth are you arguing about most days?
It's years since I had an argument with Dh. Sure we have different opinions but there's not a need to argue.
It is a terrible way for your kids to live and will taint their view of family life in the future.