To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

Be warned we recently said no to dogs at huge party we were hosting, someone brought theirs anyway. Dog was traumatised and barked constantly due to lots of people, loud noise, dancing and music. Ruined the night. They didn’t seem to care. Entitled springs to mind.

I’m a dog owner but there is no way I would contemplate hosting if someone insisted on bringing their dog. For a start my dog is dog aggressive and would not tolerate another dog in her house. But even if she did, I wouldn’t allow it anyway; I don’t get the obsession with taking dogs everywhere and just find it really weird. My dog goes out for her walks and that’s it. I’ve never taken her peoples houses, shopping, to restaurants, like others do. Never did this with any of my previous dogs either. I feel like they are baby or children substitutes for some.

Either they leave the dog at home or they don’t come. It’s that simple.

@twogreentrees Sounds like they are having Xmas at their house then. Do not back down.
Nothing says "Happy Xmas" as much as a huge dog ripping apart your kitten!!! Tell him absolutely not.
He chose to rehome this dog, you did not
( I say this as a dog owner)

You are certainly not being unreasonable - in fact I think the BIL has a bloody nerve expecting you to accept their unruly dog into your home. And you DH needs to grow a pair and die with you rather than hiding thee kittens upstairs, putting your own dog in kennels and risking the ducks being savaged! All he is doing is causing stress for you and pandering to his unreasonable brother and SIL - what a berk!!

They're taking the piss. Don't back down.

(My BIL got stroppy one year when we'd all booked a family holiday and we drew the line at their large dog being allowed to swim
In the indoor swimming pool??!!)

I feel your pain.

I don’t know if this is helpful but this is how my sister helped me on Xmas with a new puppy - we put a baby gate on their utility room with a bed, food, water, radio etc and then I walked him outside of the house. Clearly only you will know if that’s in anyway do-able, and losing access to a room on Xmas is not ideal but could be a compromise? (Not saying for one second that you should feel obliged to offer a solution, but if you did want to this worked for us)

who on earth has voted that you are unreasonable?

My dog is soppy as fuck, is terrified of cats and would be most likely to lick a duck rather than anything else and I STILL wouldn't insist he be invited anywhere.
Your H is an idiot and frankly quite pathetic

We've owned dogs for over 20 years.

In all that time, we have twice taken a dog away with us overnight (small, well-mannered, though prey-driven).

Your BIL is being a cheeky fucker. HIS dog is HIS problem, not yours.

Also, ask if the dog has been tested for brucella...

Yanbu. Mil has 2 large dogs and although they sre well trained they are not always welcome everywhere as they can get in the way, not ideal when trying to cook and serve hot food. When you choose to have a dog you have to accept your social life will change.

If you don’t mind hosting again, I really think its not your turn btw and bil and family should host or stay at home, then bil and kids come to yours for just the day to see the grandparents and sil stays at home with the dog (and kids if thry don’t want to come).

If they rescue a pet they have to think about all of this for the next 15 or so years. We’ve just rescued two small fur babies that means I or we will be at home indefinitely now with the pets. We knew that.

Solution is your husband goes to his brother's house if he doesn't back you.

This. If you've got any sense OP you will cancel hosting Xmas this year. Otherwise you will be back on here on Xmas day very upset about the fact that your BIL just turned up with the dog and your DH let them in and your Xmas is ruined.

Absolutely not BU. Your house your rules . Suggest they host if they’re that bothered

The usual arrangements need to change this year due to bil dog (blunt no way to coming to yours for the usual 2 days) What would you actually like? Everyone have Christmas on their own and meet before or after at a midpoint attraction. Or you have pil to yours and drive 1.5 hours to a lovely walk to see bil mid afternoon? These are solutions, your bil is acting more like a bully and not offering solutions with any compromise his end.

Sorry, that made me chuckle, but so true!!

I think you need to cancel the invite altogether. If they leave the dog at a kennel they will obviously start being snarky , moaning about it when copious amount of alcohol have been consumed. Or they will bring the dog anyway and chaos starts, with a possibility of injured/dead pets , trying to find a vet on xmas eve/day. Update us on xmas day OP, wish you good luck.

The suggestion of shutting the kittens away also ignores the fact that dogs have an extremely well developed sense of smell, so it hardly sounds like fun to have this one hurling itself against a door all day to get at them - and that's without the effect it could have on the terrified kittens

Lol at 'last minute'. It's 26th November!

YANBU in the slightest.

there are places in the UK that do this too. One will even take back dogs that prove too much for the purchaser adopter but keeps the fee and sells the dog again. Some places even harvest litters of puppies from the local feral dogs to sell abroad.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Even if they came with all the plans of muzzles and sending your dog away and locking up kittens and securing ducks and other plans, it's not going to be relaxing for you. It only takes one slip-up and it could be a disasterous situation for one of your pets and your pets are your responsibility to keep safe. People having a drink at christmas means that mistakes are also more likely to be made and dogs or kittens could slip out. It could be miserable for you having to watch everyone and everything like a hawk throughout to make sure no mistakes are made.

I don't blame them for not wanting to put the dog in kennels. It might well be that all the stress and anxiety is driving some of the dog's behaviour. But the dog is their responsibility not yours. They should do the right thing by their dog and stay home and enjoy a slightly different christmas for a change. It's outrageous they are applying guilt to you in this fashion. They should be grateful to you for hosting them for so long without a break! Alternatively one of them stays home and the other comes and brings the kids. Or they get some dog-friendly accommodation. The compromises they have to made are for them to make, not you.

It sounds to me like there is more to this than the dog situation though. Hosting them for 17 years without a break is a lot of work and there seems to be a heck of a lot of assumption on their part. Maybe you would like a break from hosting for once? You deserve not to have to do all of that every single year no matter who lives where and whose house is bigger. They can hardly blame you for their children not seeing their grandparents. They could go and fetch the grandparents, or go and stay nearby and take them out for a meal. There are all sorts of things they could do that doesn't involve you being caught in the middle and having to be the one making difficult compromises all the time.

I completely agree with you and, in your situation, I would also refuse to have the dog over.

If your dh really insists, is there any chance that they could pop over for a couple of hours between now and Xmas, with the dog, and you see how it reacts in your home? I get it’s a faff but maybe if they see how hard it will be on the day, they will understand and either do Xmas in their own home or find kennels. I think they need to see for themselves how reactive the dog is. People seem to be blinded up their own pets sometimes and don’t see the impact they have on others. I currently have 3 rescue dogs and 2 rescue cats and I wouldn’t ever impose them on another house as I know how much of a handful they can be.

I'd meet Somewhere in the middle to be honest - if your BIL&SIL don't respect your home and pets
Then an alternative option should be found

@FloofPaws seriously?? Well what does a middle-ground solution look like???

Even by MN standards this is amazing entitlement. Definitely cancel them altogether or you run the risk of them bringing the dog anyway.

Stand your ground. Make your DH more afraid of upsetting you than them!

Absolutely not. I do not allow dogs in the house because we have a cat. I am not upsetting him for anyone. There dog, there problem. Its for them to solve and not you.