To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

@twogreentrees Honestly I don't know why bil thinks any of this situation is acceptable. I would prefer to eat beans in toast on my own than put up with his shitty behaviour. Grown man behaving like a little kid, he can't be bothered to make his own magical Xmas , or be remotely civil to yours. Why does he get to spit his dummy and make everything about him and his dog.
His priorities are majorly screwed.
OP #bethebaddie

Absolutely YANBU! Even without the dog I think I'd be saying "We've hosted for the past 17 years, it would be lovely to go to someone else for a change".

We seem to have a whole chunk of people who suddenly think their dogs should be tolerated everywhere, it never used to be like this. We have a cat, so dogs are not allowed in our house. Its not negotiable.

They could Fuck the Fuck right off if they were my inlaws/family. Why do they feel they have the right to take their dog to your house regardless of whether you have pets or not. Further more would the dog be happy with a 3 drive each way.

I would not be putting myself or my family out like that. I understand your DH is trying to be peacemaker but the sense of entitlement from them is just astounding.

It would be "No Way Jóse" from me.

Did you not turn them away when they turned up with the dog? many years ago we held a "no kids" barbecue. It was partly a business event as DH had business colleagues who were also friends over on business so it was a networking thing. I knew all the plus ones. We had dogs at the time who were excellent with adults but not used to kids and very boisterous so we said clearly wives/partners welcome but not children. One couple turned up with their two little boys. DH didn't hesitate, he said very sorry, we aren't set up for children.

Why would you do this?? Just why??

One Christmas dinner
Two foil dishes
and serve it in the Park.
(To the tune of Partridge in a Pear Tree)

YANBU - Dog lover here, have 2, and if I was asked not to take them anywhere... I wouldn't. No matter the reason, dogs are my responsibility, not the people I am visiting.
Apart from anything else, Christmas is now fucked, doesn't matter where the dog is, there is going to be a huge atmosphere.

Twice I've had hens killed on our land. Once a dog walker whose dog tore up the drive and set about them. The second time a builder whose dog travelled with him and stayed in the van, until it didn't.

The children don't need to see a duck massacre on Christmas day

It's a no brainer.

Which is why of course you wouldn't have thought about it earlier.

How do people acquire a large reactive dog and expect that every single thing in their lives will remain the same and all their friends and relatives have to adapt and accommodate to their decision?

Part of the problem is that PIL wont go all the way to BIL's house (and want to come to ours anyway)
This is indeed part of the problem. PIL are being unreasonable not to travel just two hours to BIL when they're travelling an hour to you anyway - it's hardly the other end of the country, they wouldn't even need to make a stop. Plus they want to come to you, well sorry, if you're not hosting yourself then you don't get the choice of which other family member hosts! All your in laws sound unreasonable.

Wow, you have a DH problem too!
I love my dogs, they are family, they have sofa privileges in my house & visitors have to accept it’s their house (although I do shut them in a different room if it’s a dinner party/xmas etc) mine are very well trained with good recall…. I would not take them to stay in someone else’s house, not even to visit for the day. Your in-laws are being ridiculous if they will never go anywhere ever again that the dog can’t go to. As dog owners we have to accept that they can’t go everywhere & not everyone will love them like we do.
To suggest it’s your dog & cat that’s evicted from their own house is batshit behaviour.

Their options are:- Accept the kind invitation to spend Christmas with you & find a dog sitter or kennels.
Find a kennels near you,so they can still go see it every day & walk it. But it’s kept away from your house.
Or they choose to stay with the dog at home & do Xmas different this year.

Or they find someone else crazy enough to host their whole family with dog. (Highly unlikely)

Have they always been this self centered?

Does you DH do all the work prior, shopping, cooking, hosting etc & you do nothing? Is that why he thinks his decision trumps yours? Or does he hate your animals & would love a reason to evict them?

This is insanity. You have a husband problem more than a BIL problem.

If this was my husband and our small breed dogs, the question wouldn’t have even made it as far as me - he would have immediately shut it down.

Absolutely! People turn up with a dog? You say "sorry, we did say no dogs on the invitation, it's just not suitable" you don't roll over and let them in anyway.

The power of the word no.

Hi Bil.
We have paid for, and done all the work of hosting you and your family for SEVENTEEN years and this is how you respond? I guess no good deed goes unpunished.

You already know all the very valid reasons why it is not suitable to bring the dog to our house. Even if we put our own dog in a kennel (at our own expense) as suggested, it would not solve the problem.

I just want to be very clear that I will not host Christmas under those conditions.

Taking on a rescue dog with behaviour issues and very specific needs for stability is a real responsibility. Please accept that it is not suitable for you to bring him to our house and it would be stressful for your dog too.

I'm very upset that you are accusing us of doing this to deliberately offend you. It is based on the reasons we have already stated. It's not fair to impose this on us when we have been very clear why it won't work. Continuing to argue about it is causing anguish and upset all round. Please accept that we have said no.

At the point where I was deemed ‘the baddie’ I would rescind the Christmas invitation entirely.

I wouldn’t spend Christmas with people who would be in a gigantic huff and blaming me (at best).

I hate that people assume others will welcome their dog as though part of the family. I’ve had this before and put my foot down - you are very welcome but your dog cannot come. It’s then down to them to decide what is more important- seeing family / friends or being with their dog

We had friends visit with their (absolutely untrained and uncontrolled) dog, and it was an absolute misery. The dog barked at anything and everything, jumped onto the table, and jumped up at me as I was carrying a dish of food. I shouted at the dog more than once, but if the owners weren’t going to try and impose some disciple in my home, I bloody well was.

I was adamant that the dog would never come back, but didn’t ever have to express this, as DP felt the same and said as much to me before I had the opportunity to.

It genuinely baffles me why people take their dogs to other people’s houses, and then abdicate all responsibility for them. It’s happened to us a few times now, and I find it incredibly rude.

Stick to your guns, OP, some things are worth being the Bad Guy for.

This ... and yes, I've done it

Awkward certainly, but not as awkward as the consequences of letting it in would have been with these particular owners

"Sorry, I'm afraid my priority is protecting our animals from annihilation, not your Christmas dinner, BIL".

I don't normally say this but F.. your BIL. who does he think he is.... they are treating your kind invitation to host Christmas with you paying for everything and doing all the work as their right, when its not. The blackmail, the offense, the constant badgering, is such a collossal cheek to treat you like that. No gratitude at all for the past 17 years. F him.

Ynbu. Way too much risk here. An overnight stay with a dog like that? There is no way you can keep an eye on the dog for that long. The kittens can't stay in a bedroom for that long. What if they escape or the dog gets in the bedroom? What about the dog needing to go toilet, the ducks are at risk each time it goes out. Plus having to put your dog in kennels. I bet bil won't be watching the dog fully either. Definitely a recipe for disaster and you are right to say no thank you. Best case scenario is traumatized kittens, ducks and your family dog. Plus you all!

I feel your pain OP - my sister also rescued a street dog from Romania. It's an absolute nightmare, no background on it because it was a stray, it literally bites everyone and can't be touched. Won't go in a kennel and, 2 years old, still can't be trained. So that's the end of all Christmas visits to us and to them. People get these dogs and then expect everyone else to accommodate them, ridiculous. I'd actually tell my husband to 'fuck off, the dog ain't coming and that's the end of it'.

Also, it arrived with her literally from the lorry! How is that even allowed?

With my professional (dog behaviour consultant) hat on..

Do not entertain them bringing their dog anywhere near your home.

Unless dead kittens and ducks is what you think constitutes a festive event... don't do it.

People will say they'll do all sorts of things to get you to agree, and then once they've settled, drink in hand, they let go the lead, backtrack on agreements, kids leave doors open and hey presto we're off to Fuck Up Town stopping at Dead Kitten Disaster and Duck Murder on the way!

I'm guessing not a lot. Probably the crux of the matter is that they don't want to be arsed with sorting out Christmas when they can invade OP's home every year!!