To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

This would be a flat no from me. Either they make arrangements for this dog to be somewhere else, or they don't come. You don't need to apologise or make excuses. They chose to get this rescue dog, so they have to deal with the consequences. Stay strong.

He can have his own Christmas with his new family member. Seriously, traumatised pets (possibly dead pets) would ruin your Christmas.

I own pets - rescued one at that but that sounds like an accident waiting to happen

This is something they should have thought about when they got the dog, what happens if they want to go on holiday? Use couldn’t sit it as you have pets and you pil seem to old so it would have to go in kennels. Another option could be they could try to find a dog sitter who could keep popping in on their dog whilst they are away? Maybe post on a local Facebook group see if people have any recommendations of any? It’s absolutely not
your problem to sort out it’s theirs, it’s what being a responsible pet owner is all about. We have a Frencie so relatively small however, I wouldn’t expect her to be automatically invited and if the host wasn’t comfortable with me bringing her that’s absolutely fine and I’ll make arrangements or I can’t go, but that’s our responsibility not the hosts and in no way would I make anyone feel bad, she is my dog not theirs.

Yup. You can't suck at training a dog and then expect everyone to make allowances for you. You shouldn't even expect people to have a well-trained dog at their house.

They absolutely need to stay at home with him and work hard on training, and then maybe it will be a different situation next year.

"DH has been nagged at a lot by BIL and SIL."

So you need to give DH an even harder time than BIL and SIL, (going completely apeshit if necessary) so that DH realises that upsetting BIL and SIL is the better option. You absolutely must show a united front.

They could well just bring the dog anyway. Are you ready for that, OP? They seem the type.

I call this "ALOE" - ASTOUNDING LEVEL OF ENTITLEMENT!

You have hosted and fed them for years, and are happy to continue to do so. You are perfectly entitled to put this perfectly reasonable boundary in place! Some people think they can apply their ALOE so liberally!

Happened to a friend of mine last year. One deeply traumatised 95 year old GGM did not enjoy the day!

This is not completely relevant to the question, but I don't really understand why dogs with such behavioural issues are being imported to the UK. If owners are willing to take on a dog that needs significant work, like the dog described here, they will be spoiled for choice at UK rescues. Especially if their children are already teens as the OP mentioned.

YANBU at all!! Your BIL is stupid and rude for suggesting this, as is your h for agreeing.

Why would anyone think they could take their untrained dog to someone else's house?

They will have to make alternative arrangements for it.

The husband hasn't agreed has he?

It's a month until Christmas. I very much doubt your nephews and nieces will be that bothered about seeing their grandparents for Christmas, it's usually the other way round. I'd be reluctant to have BIL and SIL even without their dog after they've been so selfish about this. They can have Christmas in their own house and do some cooking for a change. Saying a dog "won't" go to a kennel is nonsense. Dogs go where their owners take them. The local kennel may not accept their dog which is a different issue. We're a non pet household. My sibs now have dogs but if they come to us the dogs go to their breeder/ a kennel/ stay with someone.

So your dog (being a member of YOUR family in YOUR house) has to go to a kennels? That is beyond weird.

How ridiculous and entitled of them. 17 years of you doing dinner also takes the piss! Small house or not, they could host you at a local restaurant every other year! Break the cycle, OP! They sound like leeches and very likely will turn up with the dog even if told no.

Wow! The entitlement of BIL and SIL is outstanding!

Absolutely no way would this work as the dog will smell and possibly hear the kittens and try to get to them. It's also not worth the risk of one or both kittens escaping. Fuck your DH for even thinking it would be ok to put your own dog in kennels (they're probably long booked up anyway).

Your in-laws knew what they were getting into with homing this dog and it's appalling they're trying to guilt you into having the dog there. Dog sounds unstable so goodness knows why they'd trust it with their kids. It's "ok with people" until it isn't.

I hope DH and the in-laws help you with all the cooking and clearing up OP.

NOT let the dog in the garden? So what happens when the dog needs to answer nature’s call? Can they control the dog if it’s on a lead? And what about when you’re all trying to eat? And why does your dog have to go to kennels? And your kittens get locked in a room for the whole time that Cujo is visiting?

Your BIL sounds entitled. If his house is big enough for the dog, it’s big enough that he can host Christmas. Or, he can stay home this home. After all, it’s been so long that you have to host everyone, cook for everyone, be nice to everyone, take the stress for everyone, let everyone tend to themselves. Does BIL do the cooking? The shopping? The cleaning? Pay for anything? Or is it all up to you and your husband?

DH does agree with me, he is just trying to find a solution

Why is it DH's job to find a solution and yours to have "thought about it before" when it's their dog to find solutions for? And sorry, but if they "just assumed" it would be okay to bring along a dog like this then they must be quite mad

As you're finding, short of saying they can bring it they'll moan no matter what you do, so frankly I'd make it quite clear that the "no" isn't negotiable and leave it entirely up to them to choose what to do

Edited to add that while it's still not your problem, why can't it go in kennels?
An eastern european rescue dog will have been in exactly that, and probably a far less pleasant one than in the UK, so I suspect what's really meant here is that they don't want the bother and expense of finding one

Whatever you decide buy them a dog training course for Christmas.

@twogreentrees @KoalaCalledKevin Best answer yet!
Aling with ‘Absolutely not having that rampaging dog here’.

Just out of interest @twogreentrees How much have BIL and SIL contributed to the Christmas dinner over the last 17 years ?

I am glad you are sticking to your guns, OP.

But look, it’s not down to your H to find a solution. BIL’s dog, his problem to solve (assuming you are still willing to host him and his wife after such an enormous exhibition of extreme entitlement!).

If they see it as ruining their Christmas, then that’s on them, not you. You are NOT the ‘bad guy’ in this.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers!
There is no way you are being unreasonable.
Dog in kennels or they do not come.
Do not make any alternative arrangements for your pets in your home.

We are at PIL for Christmas, Our dog isn't a danger to any of the other animals that will be there but he is big and boisterous so we are putting him in the kennels because whilst he is part of my family, we are guests in someone else's home.

BIL and SIL are taking the piss.

Fuck off, would be a my short reply.
How about they just stay home? 17 years of hosting is enough.

Even without other animals in a house, it is always wrong to assume a dog is welcome, regardless of its size and behaviour. The default should be dogs not welcome unless specifically invited by the host.

Absolutely you are in the right. It’s a bit unbelievable they’ve even asked honestly. It’s your home so your animals and general happiness comes first. Either they use a kennel or don’t come, it’s not like they don’t have a choice…