To refuse to host BIL, his family and untrained dog!

[twogreentrees]

So we have always hosted Christmas. Literally for the past 17 years. It's mainly as a result of the fact that for a long time BIL and his family lived in a very small house whereas we have a larger house with room to seat everyone. PIL also find it easier to get to us (about an hour) than to BIL (about 2 hours). BIL and his family generally stay overnight so they are with us for two days. PIL tend to stay for the day and then go home since they prefer to sleep at home.

This year BIL and his family "rescued" a street dog from Eastern Europe. He is a large mixed breed and is completely out of control. He has to be kept on a lead at all times when out because he has a very high prey drive and zero recall. He regularly kills pigeons, squirrels, mice, rabbits etc. He is extremely reactive and charges at cats and other dogs. He is also very noisy.

We have a small dog, two kittens and free range ducks. Our garden is also not particularly secure for such a large dog (it's fine for ours but he's small). DH and BIL are both in a strop because I have said we are not hosting them this year unless they put the dog into a kennel. BIL has said it is offensive and the dog is a member of their family. Apparently I am ruining Christmas for their children (teens so probably couldn't care less anyway about visiting their aunt/uncle). I am gob smacked that we have even been asked.

I don't even know why Im asking. Just for reassurance really. I'm absolutely not BU am I? I'd really rather not have a festive small pet massacre on my hands.

You haven't changed the plans, they are the same as any other year, you have just sensibly asked that they don't bring the dog.

They chose to get a dog like that. They choose not to put it in kennels.

Therefore it is their problem to deal with and not yours. They can't expect you to change everything because they chose to get a big out of control dog.

I think the point that has been made several times is really important, that the street dog will very likely be distressed by the visit, so for your BIL to consider bringing it is not on for that reason alone.
Plus 100%, you are not the baddie @twogreentrees !
Your own pets deserve to be safe, your kittens will be able to sense (smell and hear) the dog so will be distressed, and if the house is full of people the chance of the dog (who will be able to smell/hear the kittens) getting to them is high: it could barge past someone going to see to the kittens....does not bear thinking of: plus your ducks! Prey animals can be aware of signs of a predator in their environment, their home will no longer be a safe space.
Also if the dog is unruly that will be disruptive in itself.
Definitely keep that foot firmly down!

YANBU - you are welcoming all your relatives round to yours for xmas for 18th year (think most people would deserve a medal for that alone!) your BIL has moved the goal posts not you. I am a dog owner/lover, but would not presume to impose my dog on any family at xmas if not welcome, preferring to stay at home in that scenario.

Why doesn't BIL accept your refusal with good grace and understanding? perhaps the answer lies with your DH who appears to be prepared to bend over backwards to accommodate his brother's dog, even being prepared to banish your own beloved family dog to a kennel on xmas day (I couldn't bear to think of anything worse in your position!). No, you need your DH to 'man up' and accept he cannot have his BIL and family over for xmas this year, unless he finds somewhere else for his new dog to stay (which again i think is impractical and unfair on their dog also). Frankly I would feel on edge whole of Christmas with this large, aggressive dog in my house, especially with your other pets to consider. Good luck getting through to your soft husband.

Instead of staying with you, can BIL and his family stay with your PIL and leave the dog at PIL's for the day while they all visit you for Christmas celebrations?

Of course YANBU. Turns out if you get a manic dog that you don’t train, it is disruptive to your life. Shock! No need for it to disrupt your life too OP - this is very much for BIL and SIL to sort, not your problem.

I'm not arguing with DH I've just absolutely refused. He understands why but is just trying to maintain family harmony.

To answer some questions, PIL can't host - they are in their 80s and it's too much for them. I really don't want the hassle of trying to cook at their house either. I contemplated this as a solution but (somewhat hypocritically I appreciate) - I don't want to be without DDog all day !

My parents are no longer around.

I do bear some responsibility for not even thinking about it. Everyone just assumed they were coming here as always (which is fine albeit a lot of work) and I just assumed they would use kennels. I didn't dream that they would think it was ok to bring their dog.

SIL is wet and just says she's sure it will be fine and he'll settle and all the animals will be fine.

How will the dog know it's Christmas ? FFS
They need to get him trained or get him used to going into kennels. Nobody will want chaos at their house.
And who's feeding him ? What if shits all over..doesn't stop barking...upsets your animals .
So I guess that's ok as it's part of their family.
It's admirable of them to get a rescue dog but don't foist it on other people

We need to normalise telling people like this to fuck off, why do people like your BIL think this is absolutely fine to expect?

Not only have they been imposing as overnight guests for 17 bloody Christmases but now they expect you to welcome their feral Gremlin at the expense or DEATH of your own pets and garden animals?! And then have the temerity to kick up a stink when you tell them what is and isn't happening in YOUR home.

Who are these fuckers and where do they get the audacity?!

This.

Your BIL and SIL are fuckwits. The arrogance of them telling you to shut your pets away.

Your DH is behaving like a total twat.

Let them find the solution between them. Not a chance they would come to my house with their uncontrolled dog and their entitled attitudes.

17 years of hosting is a great stage to change it up.
Bil and sil could host PILs with whatever animals they have. You get a quiet non massacre Christmas. You could go visit PILs on boxing day?

So why is he upsetting you and potentially his children? Can you imagine if something happened on Christmas Day?? Stay very, very firm

I feel really sorry for that dog. What a miserable existence it's had and they're not helping
I know she's a very different temperament but look up Sophie from Romania and see what lengths you have to go to for dogs rescued from these backgrounds

Absolutely don't host them.
Reminds me of the Griswold's cousin's dog.
How stupid.

He won't settle at yours and I would think kennels would be a nightmare - he'd be abandoned all over again

They need to stay at home

Where is 'somewhere in the middle'? The dog can't come, simple.

This is nuts!

Stand your ground OP. It's a basic right for you and your pets to feel safe in your own fucking home. How dare your inlaws and your DH make you think otherwise. 'The dog will NOT be crossing the threshold of my home. You are going to have to make plans around this rule because I won't be changing my mind' Repeat this as many times as you need to to your inlaws, your DH and any other twat who tries to tell you what to do in your own home.

Honestly, I feel like they are missing a trick here. Isn't the point of having animals is that you have an excuse NOT to have family gatherings at Christmas. "Do you want to come to ours on Christmas day, Krusty?" "Oh I can't leave the dogs." "Shall we come to you?" "Far too distressing for the dogs, too much excitement." Meanwhile, the dogs are contently snoozing in front of a fire. Admittedly, my family are awful at Christmas, but thanks to the animals I have enjoyed years of cosy Christmas days, just DH and the kids and an assorted menagerie that we love to spend time with, doing exactly what we want to do and no arguments. Bliss.

Are they planning to stay for 2 days? And they want you to put kittens in a room for 2 days? I love animals but I would be absolutely terrified the dog managed to get my pets! That would be a stressful Christmas! You are definitely not being unreasonable! Cheeky sods

I wouldn’t want the dog there even if I didn’t have animals .Talk about stress .
I have animals and I fully accept. Can’t always go where I would like . They need to accept the dog was their choice and stay home with it this Xmas .
Tell your dh he is more than welcome to go to bil that your happy with a very quiet Xmas this year of need be .

I wouldn't want these people in my house even if they didn't have a dog.

It’s not fair on the animals that live in the home to bring a dog like that in for the day. Animals get stressed too.

I can understand them not wanting to put the dog in kennels, it would probably be distressing for a dog that has probably already had a difficult life. However it’s obviously unreasonable to bring the dog to your house, and send your own dog out of his family home into kennels because of it! It’s their house, or separate christmases, and that’s not the end of the world! Having done 17 years you deserve a break anyway!

They shouldn't even have the dog tbh op.

Poor thing needs some stability and consistency, if they loved the dog like family they would have already known by now he needs to stay home for Christmas not travelling and being subjected to strange ( but lovely I'm sure ) homes with other animals to set it off.

Your BIL is a selfish, selfish, enitled man and an incompetent dog owner.

Before adopting the dog they really should have thought it through more because it seems as though they really don’t see it interfering with their social lives and it absolutely will. And putting the poor thing in kennels while they flit off will make it feel abandoned all over again. It’s a commitment and they’re clearly not up to it. It’s not fair to anyone, least of all the dog.

Yeah they need to accept that they can't just take a recently adopted dog with behavioural issues on day trips or overnight stays - apart from anything else, it is too disruptive for the dog. The dog needs routine and discipline until it settles, which it clearly has not yet done. They should have planned for this when adopting a dog like that. It was always going to be hard work.

Also - have you been catering them for Xmas for the past 17 years, presumably at your expense and certainly at your time and effort, and yet somehow YOU are the baddie for saying no to the addition of a large feral dog this year?! The world has gone nuts!