AIBU for not wanting to pay rent?

[freebirdblue]

I currently live with my older sister and her family and contribute £100 weekly toward rent and bills. I pay for takeaways, contribute toward their date nights, and ubers (apparently they can’t work the app). I relocated and she offered me her spare bedroom for a year so I can save and have more money to put towards a nice one bedroom apartment. On top of that, I also take care of my nephews and walk the dogs daily.

However, my BIL’s parents asked me to house and dog sit while they’re away travelling for two months. I’m a 10 minute drive away but already my expenses have gone up as I’m now doing a food shop (yes, I was spoilt that they included me in their evening dinners) and I have to bring the dogs to the vet (out of my own pocket to later be reimbursed when they return, which is another awkward issue).

However, my sister still wants me to still contribute while I’m not there, she insisted not the full £100 but wasn’t overly pleased when I suggested £50 either. The thing is, I don’t think it’s fair I have to contribute because if I wasn’t in the spare bedroom, no one else would be, and one of her friends is coming and going to stay while I’m away (recently single). I’m not calling to their house for dinner either, but I am still helping out with my nephews and working from home (which I hate doing as I only have my laptop and no other monitors) on certain days for them.

My mum is trying to reason I’d still pay a landlord if I was on holiday, but I’m house sitting for my BIL’s family as a favor (for free) and it’s not exactly a holiday either! However, my friends are arguing it is unreasonable and strange of my sister to expect me to pay. Is it? I’m so conflicted and don’t want to seem ungrateful but I also have to admit I am annoyed.

I made the mistake of telling her my salary and now she holds that against me and tells almost everyone we know I earn more than her and her partner combined. For starters, she works part time and he is an apprentice, they have a mortgage and kids, whereas I’m single and free of responsibility’s in my twenties. My salary isn’t overly great for my position and includes 10% of my pension so it seems like I’m earning more than I am.

AIBU? I feel £50 is more than fair but also feel like I shouldn’t have to contribute either while I’m not there.

@LookItsMeAgain Great minds think alike - we were typing at the same time but I’m slow 😁.

The dog sitting isn’t an extra chore OP, it’s your escape route.

She is most definitely paying a fraction of the market rate. Read her updates.
She is saving £200 to £400 per week at the £100 per week rate. The sister asking for £150 is asking for HALF the market rate for the same accommodation.

Her update said £500/week for a 1 bed or £300 for a bedroom…this is a weekly rate not monthly.

She said a month not a week (she corrected in a later post).

Don't pay and while you are out of the house look at your options rent somewhere else

Faceplant- sorry I missed that. Well that changes my entire viewpoint!

No, a year would be £52.000 at £100 pw, and £78.000 at £150 pw, not exactly a bargain considering all the extras.

OP, I'd say pay what you have to for now to keep relations civil but look to move out asap before things deteriorate too far. Good luck!

home costs don't vanish just because you are not there

In a normal private rented situation you pay regardless of your presence

£150 a week is extortion from them. They essentially want you to cover all their bills.
Move out and get your independence- don’t be a free babysitter constantly either.

Pp have overestimated cost

5,200 not 52,000 a year at 100 a week surely

OP, to put is simply, your sister is a toxic person in your life. This doesn’t mean you can’t love her or have a relationship, but it does mean you have to put down boundaries from now on, and stick to them.

Step 1. get away from her flat and get your own rented flat asap
Step 2. think of how you want to interact with your sister and nephew and then stixk to that. Do you want to spend one day a month with him? Then that’s what you do and say no to any otber requests.

There will probably be some upset at the beginning, but soon everyone will get used to the new way and realize you’ve grown up and won’t let others use you as they want. Then your relationship will actually have a future. Good luck.

But a friend is using her room while she is gone you can't rent a room and not have access to the room that's not how it works

You need to start looking at what the benefit is to you of any of these arrangements. The responses are skewed by what people think is the market rate for renting. I live in an area where housing is expensive so £100/wk with some favours thrown in sounds ok but it’s over the market rate for your area, well over if it’s increased to £150/wk. So this arrangement no longer benefits you. I also agree with the boiling frog point, that the favours seem to be increasing, maybe fuelled by the perception you are better off - but that isn’t your issue.
The dog sitting would only be a benefit to you if you were living totally rent free for a couple of months in return for looking after the dog - if you still have to pay rent to your sister there is no benefit whatsoever. It’s really relevant that BIL arranged it.
Just extricate yourself ASAP - the CF sister can get a lodger paying £300 with no favours, the CF parents can pay thousands for a dog sitter for a couple of months and you can enjoy your own flat, live in peace and still have roughly the same amount of money in your pocket. Renegotiate the relationship with your sister on a more equal footing - if you want to offer babysitting once a month in exchange for a meal then do, but you are not there to facilitate their life.

Off and on, the OP said. That isn’t the same as a sub-let.

However, that doesn’t mean I think it’s right. If the OP is paying a retainer, she should be able to use the room if she wants to during that period - not just when the friend isn’t staying. Either that or the OP does what she originally suggested and pay a lower amount (rather than not paying anything as she’s now saying she feels is appropriate) to ensure her sister and BIL keep the room available for her return, continue to store her property and allow her to continue using their house as a permanent address. This is what OP needs to negotiate.

This is why I have said, and will say again, that there is too much vagueness around whether this is a proper agreement to rent a room, or a favour to a family member in return for a bit of “keep”. Is some occasional babysitting the OP doing something nice for her sister, or is it part of an agreement that sees her pay a third of the going rate in the area to rent a room? Is OP buying the odd takeaway as a lovely family treat, or acknowledging that most of the time she eats for free on top of getting cheap rent?

There's fault on both sides in this aspect. If OP plans to go ahead with the dog sitting arrangement and then return to her sister’s house afterwards, it’s a good opportunity to set some clearer boundaries.

YABVU. £100 PW for board and lodgings, that is a pittance compared to what u would pay on open market. Your sister has young children and all the associated costs. You are begrudging giving then £ 50 whilst u are dogsitting elsewhere (that u r not paying to live there)?????? Come on, u r coming across as extremely mean and penny pinching. So what if u look after your nephews, they are your family. Sounds like your sister and family have no spare cash.

Yeah an extra zero typo was posted. It looks like I’m not the only one off to a slow start this morning!

👏🏿 yes, my response was skewed by that. This is what I should have written.

Okay, I’ve now seen the update where the OP confirms she got the original figures for private accommodation wrong. If she can get a one-bed to herself for only a little more than she’s paying now, it would make sense to go for that. There would also be no justification for the sister putting the rent up.

My point about boundaries being blurred by the family connection still stands - although now from a different standpoint! The OP would be wise to move out and switch to a purely landlord and tenant arrangement, with no potential guilt trips over babysitting and so on.

In a normal private rented situation you don't normally provide your landlord with free babysitting and dogsitting services, pay for your landlords date nights and taxis (because they don't have Uber) or provide free housesitting and dogsitting services for one of your landlords parents, whilst covering your landlords parents vets bills and continuing to pay rent on your landlords property when you aren't living in it.

OP, I may have misunderstood but do you mean that your sister tried to commit suicide when you were only a child, and you found her like that? Have you had any therapy to process that? That must have been awful to witness and very traumatic for you. I can understand why that could make you feel (unduly) responsible for your sister. I think you need some professional help to deal with the emotions surrounding that, as you were so very young, and it appears to be making it very hard for you to stand up for yourself and not be used by your sister and her partner. Logically, you would be financially better off moving out but I can see why it has been so difficult to say no to her and to put yourself first. I'm sorry for all that you have been through but you are not wholly responsible for your sister's welfare. As I've heard said on MN before, you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm! Apologies if I have misunderstood what you described in your post. I hope you find the strength and peace to do what is best for yourself for once 💐

Wow, they're all taking huge advantage of you. Back right off from them all.

Hello OPs sister ?

What about OPs free childcare, pet sitting, Ubers and takeaways- or do they not get factored in ? I agree £100 per week isn't bad for catered lodging but all of the above easily add up to another £100 per week.

It's not OPs job to subsidise her Dsis for the life choices she made. It's definitely not her job to provide free dog sitting to her Dsis in laws.

In your 20s, your spare money and time should be for you. You shouldn't be bankrolling and at the beck and call of family too.

If you decide to have children in a few years, they will take all your time and money 😂. Don't waste this precious time you can have for you by being a people pleaser.

I live too far from my siblings for them to babysit regularly and they have their own families/responsibilities, but I certainly would never have expected them to pay over the odds to stay in my spare room as a paying nanny and rearrange their work commitments around my children. Maybe once a fortnight for a few hours if they'd been happy to help?

Disagree,OP is working so even though she is looking after kids at times, that is part of being a family IMO
Ubers and take aways are all part of supporting family life too
The dog sitting is a separate issue.
Referring to OP not being responsible for sister's life choices is inappropriate.
OP has been offered an opportunity to save for her own property by staying at her sister's at a MASSIVELY discounted rate √

The rate isn't discounted. £100pw + takeaways + Ubers + rearranging work to accommodate childcare + free babysitting + petrol costs + pet expenses adds up to a lot more than the £500/£300pcm including bills that the OP has indicated she would have to pay for a one-bed or house share. She is being taken for a ride.

@GivingitToGod but it's not discounted is it ?
OP would pay £300 per month in a shared flat, leaving her 200 per month ( plus whatever she currently spends on takeaways and Ubers for everyone) on groceries.