To Refuse To Be Their Carer?

[LookSharpFixUp]

Hi,

Name changed for this but looking for some advice and views.

For around the past year my DGP have somehow begun to rely heavily on me for their daily living and basic needs care, which I am starting to find really overwhelming that the pressure and responsibility solely falls to me (Not by choice it's just expected and at times demanded).

For context: I'm also a lone parent to a 4 month old, on maternity leave and dont really have alot of support myself anyways. I am low to no contact with my mother (their daughter) and was pretty much raised by my DGP alongside LA care which is why I assume the guilt and care aspects are now being forced onto me.

I have to deep clean their house once a week because its disgusting aswell as constantly having to clear out cupboards and the fridge because they hoard out of date and mouldy food. I have to go shopping every day because they want something and am having to finance it myself as they don't reimburse me or give me the money upfront (my DGF does but my GM refuses). I have to call up utility companies almost weekly to verify that DGM has made payments as she lies about this and its recently come to light that she's concealed lot of debt due to this. It came to blows today when I was expected to clean poo out of their clothes this morning because it hadn't washed out in the washer, when I said no the response was "well you do it for the baby!" Like WTF! I'm financially and emotionally drained, with no support or gratitude.

Is this normal? Am I unreasonable to just walk away from this responsibility? I don't know how much longer I can continue to look after 4 people (me, DC & DGP).

I don't understand why they are so incapable at 67. That's not even that old! They're taking the piss big time. Both of them.

As for dementia.. I guess it could be early onset. Does she have addiction issues herself OP? Because I'm getting strong alcoholic narcissist from all of this.

Look after yourself, because you and your baby deserve so much more than this.

My parent was diagnosed at 50, after a couple of years of being told they were having a mental breakdown. I appreciate that’s even rarer than your statistics and it certainly could be other medical or addiction issues. But it’s not unheard of to develop dementia under 75, especially if there are other factors at play like alcoholism.

Yes, Alzheimer's is dementia of younger people rather than senile dementia.

Someone I know died the year before last of Alzheimer's, she was in her sixties when she died and had been ill for a few years; my neighbours mother had it from when she was in her early sixties but she lived on a bit longer.

There's also vascular dementia which doesn't usually affect under-65s (though that is young enough).

It's a tragic disease, no respecter of persons. The op's grandmother does sound as though she has something, if not that.

She does have chrons disease but her personal and household hygiene has never been as disgusting as the past couple of years.

Looking back now at periods in your life when they cared for you - can you see that she was always abusive or controlling in some ways to you, DGF or others in the family and friend circle? Or is it completely new behaviour?

looking at your updates it sounds like there’s always been an element of control and nastiness?

@Next2nothing None of us know if this is dementia or personality. But 67 is not too young to get illnesses that affect your ability to cope with every day life. I know everyone on MN seems to have parents who live independently into their nineties, but many younger older people also get serious age related illnesses.

Very aware of that as my father died at 62 from an illness under the dementia umbrella.

I think you are a wonderful young woman and I’m totally in awe of what you’ve achieved. You are right to distance yourself from these people, you can’t be expected to shoulder this responsibility. I wish I could reach through my phone screen and give you a hug. I hope you can arrange to do something nice for your birthday, you and your little child.

... It's the calculating nastiness that makes me think it's not dementia. Some of the things OP has mentioned take a level of cognitive awareness / ability to follow through with.

Nobody will know unless her DGM is honest, or declines further.

@Next2nothing that's what I think too. I can't imagine dementia patients phoning the police or shouting because their clothes weren't clean.

67?? and she is shitting herself??? something definitely wrong there!!! she should still be good to go about leading a normal life at that age!!

I'm surprised at that as well. My running partner is slightly older than that and I struggle to keep up with her.

I appreciate people have different lifestyles and genetic luck, of course, but from OPs description I was was picturing people at least in their late seventies if not older.

Yes, for aslong as I can remember until my grandad got his pension last year he was only allowed £80 per month for his own spending money out of joint benefit and disability claims, they were all in her name apart from his PIP and all went into a bank account that was solely in her name. He was not allowed access to the bank card or information. When he got his pension my gran allowed his allowance to be upped to £80 per fortnight. I was having to secretly transfer his money into my account to give him his full amount. He never had a bank account until 5 months ago and even then it's had to keep it hidden. The reason it took us so long is because all bills etc are in her name alone and she refused to give him their marriage certificate, etc so he struggled to have suitable ID to open an account. We then had to prove the issue to the bank for them to transfer his money out of her account without her consent. She still now takes half of that back off him every month.

When I was little I recall being punched in the face, elbowed or pinned to the sofa and screamed at by her when I misbehaved or wasn't doing as I was told. This suddenly stopped one day and she turned into this lovely caring grandma and whenever I mentioned it to anyone they said it never happened so I still to this day don't know if I even made that up but it's a very vivid memory. Then she turned nasty again a couple of years ago.

Darling you are so wise. This us the family pattern to abuse you around your birthday. Please start a new/fun tradition for yourself. Watch something fun with lots of bomb blasts. Or a marathon of something you love thats really tacky. Eat cake and declare independence!

On yes they can call the police. Dementia is extremely complex and manifests itself in a huge variety of ways. My mother managed to call the police and say she had been sexually assaulted. It was extremely difficult to sort out exact ly what had happened. The police were very kind and caring. In the end we all realised that she was in the early stages of dementia and that nothing untoward had happened. She wasn't being malicious, just confused.

When I was little I recall being punched in the face, elbowed or pinned to the sofa and screamed at by her when I misbehaved or wasn't doing as I was told. This suddenly stopped one day

@LookSharpFixUp we can't possibly know, but that has the sound to me of somebody - a neighbour or teacher perhaps? - intervening and the authorities giving her a warning she never forgot (or at least not until much later)

None of us can say if she has dementia or not, but it's worth remembering that appalling behaviour doesn't always have to have a medical origin; sometimes people are just plain evil and unfortunately that's not something a few pills or even therapy will solve

As so many of us have said you really do need to drop this completely and preferably move away - which I've just seen is a realistic and happy possibility.
You've spent years doing what you can and now it's time for others to step in and for you to go on developing a much better life

Oh!
I guess everyone is different.

Did you get to the bottom of what happened to your mum?
They muddle so much up that it almost makes you wonder was she talking about something that had happened years earlier?

Aye. I'm perilously close to 65. The woman might have some kind of physical medical problem, but surely to goodness she can wash her own knickers.

If she doesn't even have the wherewithal to buy herself some incontinence pads she's demented. If she's doing this deliberately to subjugate her granddaughter, then she's evil.

I just want to give you a massive hug for everything you have been through. To go through all that, and to emerge the caring person you clearly are is an enormous achievement and you should be proud of yourself all the time for that.

Being caring does not mean you have to physically care for people though. Even if they were as nice as pie, and definitely not when they are abusive and awful.

Moving closer to work sounds like a good plan, and in the meantime I would take a massive step back from having anything to do with your relatives. Just you and your baby sounds like a great little unit to build a much happier life on!

I agree with everything. My poor old mum suffered from dementia and the associated problems, but she was well into her 80s before it became obvious.

I loved her, but dealing with it all was so difficult. Before she reached her worst - and I could weep saying this - she apologised for being "a burden" to me.

The OP is far too young to be going through all this and she doesn't need to lose 20 yrs of her life to it.

No, never got to the bottom of it and, once we had established that nothing had happened, we all considered that asking her about her past may be counterproductive and cause her more distress.
As she was by now partially sighted and very immobile and mainly stayed in her flat in the sheltered complex, all we did was put a note on her door saying ' all men to be accompanied by a female'. The warden was fully aware and kept an extra eye on her. The gentleman concerned was very understanding and basically said that if he ever saw her out and about, he would leave the area immediately. Once the police had reassured her that all was well, she never mentioned it again.
Dementia is just horrible!

Hope you're finding this thread useful @LookSharpFixUp. Also hope that the well meaning discussions about dementia & diagnosis aren't making you feel guilty and that you must continue to intervene with your GPs?

Your baby, your life and your future must be your priority. Your family seem to be a source of stress and unkindness. Hopefully you can redirect the time you've spent managing your GPs on finding sources of support from other young Mums and other local organisations?

Honestly get an OT assessment via SS .

So GM called the police on you because she flew off the handle saying you do nothing for her, and you're a danger to yourself and your baby??

That just doesn't even make sense.

If you're stepping back (because you do so much for them) and she is saying you don't do anything for them - then there shouldn't be an issue, because in her eyes you don't do anything for them,

You're also not a danger to yourself or your baby.

I'd also ask the police why they are holding you against your will as you need to leave and return home to your place. They are welcome to visit you there by appointment so that they can properly evaluate whether you're a danger to yourself or to anyone else.

Going forwards I would actually start recording any visits I have with the grandparents. How they start off normally and then fly off the handle at the slightest thing.

Have a complete break from them for a while. Concentrate on you and your baby. You clearly didn't have time to make friends at baby groups etc, but now you can. I know it sounds cheesy but today is the start of your new and better life.

This is an absolutely dreadful story. I really hope the GM is taken into some sort of care facility and kept there permanently and that the GF can have his monetary rights restored and some sort of reasonable life. And I hope the OP can absolve herself of any guilt she may feel as she has suffered dreadful abuse by those who were meant to care for her and that she and goes on to have a life of some joy with her daughter.